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I gotta call BS on this one! Of course people can change. They are either changed by circumstances, or they choose to change. But that doesn't matter, you can bet that if you don't change something, then nothing will change. As long as you wait around for her to change, guaranteed, there will be no change. If you get a life, move on, leave her in the dust....she will change. It may not matter to you anymore. But she will change.

People dont change who they are.

People can change their actions and not act how they are.

But they cant change "who" they are.

If my wife id's as poly, its like someone earlier said. Then thats who she is. Me going along with it was me trying to change who I was. Now the shoe is on the other foot. I dont know...I guess we will see.

Rob,

You have a defeatist belief system. And you are right.

Gotta call bullchit on this one. Of course people can change who they are. That's like saying once a criminal always a criminal. Same thing for an addict.

Your W's actions are a CHOICE. She wasn't BORN poly. It's her choice to be so. It's not like it's the color of her skin. It's a learned behavior that can be changed like anything else. Think I'm wrong? Believe it or not, there were/are alot of poly couples on here where one partner just decided they didn't want to do it anymore. Simple as that. It's a choice.

And besides, if you didn't think your W is going to change, why are you here? Why do you think you have to change? Your assumption that her choice of being poly excuses her for treating you like $hit with OM. Not multiple men. ONE man. So right now that makes it a one to one problem like everyone elses.

Stop going by HER terms. If you can't stand to see your W banging other men and loving them, then stop. Kick her out of the house and stop being a doormat. If you continue to more of the same, you're going to keep getting the same.

Gotta call bullchit on this one. Of course people can change who they are. That's like saying once a criminal always a criminal. Same thing for an addict.

But isnt that true? An alcoholic is always that, even if they are now living sober.

Your W's actions are a CHOICE. She wasn't BORN poly. It's her choice to be so. It's not like it's the color of her skin. It's a learned behavior that can be changed like anything else. Think I'm wrong? Believe it or not, there were/are alot of poly couples on here where one partner just decided they didn't want to do it anymore. Simple as that. It's a choice.

But she tells me this is who she is. She has long told me that. That when she was younger she would throw away perfectly good relationships because she wanted to go play with new and shiny. As she got older she didnt understand why she had to do that. And didnt want to throw me away. She chooses to practice poly, and chooses not to. But she is positive she is poly (she likens it to be homosexual, no one choses that, they just are.).

And besides, if you didn't think your W is going to change, why are you here?

Well, Im not sure. I dont think im trying to get her to change who she is. Im trying to rekindle the lost romance between us. She says its burned out. She would love to have it back as well, because as she says...why would she choose not to be in love with her husband.

Why do you think you have to change? Your assumption that her choice of being poly excuses her for treating you like $hit with OM. Not multiple men. ONE man. So right now that makes it a one to one problem like everyone elses.


OH dont get me wrong here. I am not changing. Thats her problem, she kept hoping the light bulb would go on with me and I would be magically poly one day. Didnt happen. She has zero excuses for her behavior now. She tells me that she intends to live like this (sexless etc) for the rest of her life. She is seriously lashing out at me over him. Despite telling me she ended it with him to "save" our marriage. Poly means multiple loves, which i pointed out to her all the time. Not one single poly friend I ahve tells me she is poly...so believe when i say I completely agree with you here.

Stop going by HER terms. If you can't stand to see your W banging other men and loving them, then stop. Kick her out of the house and stop being a doormat. If you continue to more of the same, you're going to keep getting the same.

She isnt banging anyone anymore. Now she holds up in her room depressed all the time. She says she is trying to "find herself". She tells me she hasnt been herself for 17 years and I may not like who she actually is. I have no real idea what to make of all this other then the fact that she had her cake and was enjoying the meal and now I am in the penalty box for taking it away from her.

No, and I'll dump you off with a bus load of abusive drunks before I introduce you to a pack of sober folks so you can see the difference.

All we get from you is excuses.

Crazy as this might sound Timeheals, I took the whole divorce "busting" thing seriously when I came to this site.

Nothing is ever black and white in any relationship. If your wife is cheating then you probably had a hand in that somehow. My wife started sleeping with other guys, I did help that along.

Now me, Im stupid. I actually want to fix my marriage here. I have been taking the advice that some people of put out here towards that end. Am I good at it, of course not.

Im in serious emotional pain with a woman who is just lumping even more of that on me right now.

But there are reason that people are doing what they do. Im simply trying to figure out what is going on in her head right now.

Seriously dude, if you dont have anything helpful to say...dont. Its kinda the thing I go by on internet forums.

False. We are all responsible for our own choices. If there are a problems in a marriage, then chances are that each partner had a role in them (we usually say 50/50 just to be safe).

Nobody makes anybody cheat. That was their choice alone.

You are making excuses for your abuser.



If you say so. So you have feelings. What marriage? You haven't had a real marriage. The question is can the two of you have one of those for the sake of your kids and the sake of good mental and emotional health?


You sound like a battered wife making excuses for why her husband knocked her teeth out: well, I pushed his buttons. Sure, but you didn't make him shove your face into a pole, lady.



Mind reading doesn't work.



You don't like the answers that people are giving you that say you have to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and that you might not be able to save this marriage. You might not. You might. But it's not worth saving if there aren't healthy boundaries and if she doesn't commit to trying to work on a healthy marriage with you.

But you don't want to read that kind of thing. The kind of thing that says you may have to walk away and be prepared to end the marriage if there is any hope in having a real marriage, that you need to focus on healing yourself and take the focus off of her.

So... your wish not to read it from me is granted.

Everyone has told you what to do, and you argue that it is impossible. Well, maybe it is. You won't know unless you try.

1. Tell her "Enough! You love OM. Go be with OM. I won't live in a sexless marriage. Starting today, I am looking for a new wife. I am done with you. Move out."

2. Live up to your word. Make her leave. Let her chase OM. I missed hearing the part about how he is going to divorce his wife and marry and support your wife. Or maybe he is going to support them both. Good for him!

3. Ignore her calls if she calls. If she doesn't call, you haven't lost anything that you had anyway.

4. If she cries and begs and pleads with you, insist on a Retrouvaille weekend. It is not therapy. No one tells you who is right and who is wrong, or what to do. You haven't even looked into it. You reject it out of hand. If you want to rekindle romance, you go to Retrouvaille. If you want to bask in self-pity.........keep doing what you are doing. It is working great!