Yeah I took the chance. Its not that. I recognize my failure here.But I trusted her not to do this.I mean, she told me we wouldnt get here. And I think thats what is happening for me now. I feel foolish and stupid to have trusted her.
You took the chance.
It is that.
A "chance" isn't a guarantee, it's a chance, a chance at success or a chance at failure.
You took your chance and you failed.
Trusting someone who is openly "polyamoric" (if that's even a word), was the mistake. The trust came from someone (you) who was essentially monogamous, and applied to someone who is polygamous (your wife). The two aren't congruent but you feel somehow that your original misplaced trust should have been respected by your wife because you "trusted her" to do the right thing.
This was your mistake.
You trusted her to be someone she isn't but you have a problem with it because you believe somehow your trust negates her inherent nature to be polygamous. Regardless if you say you understand/understood her polygamous nature and knew what you were getting into, you obviously had problems with it.
You feel dumb & stupid now because you are only now realizing that you can't tell the zebra to remove it's stripes.
She has had numerous lovers, "boyfriends", while being married to you, you have essentially "trained" her (for lack of a better word, "programming" comes to mind as well) that what she does is ok with you. You had unrealistic expectations that she wasn't to fall in love and get serious with one of her boyfriends/lovers. Why this restriction? If you have conceded the fact that she is polyamorous/polygamous, and given the fact that she fell in "love" with you one time many years ago, a polyamorous/polygamous person is by their very nature going to fall in love with several other people and guess what happens after that, they tend to forget their previous mates/partners.
But you somehow feel cheated because of this realization, you feel dumb & stupid to finally find this out now, I hate to agree with you but I think I have to in this circumstance. How you lasted this long is beyond me.
I guess. But you have to trust the person you are with to take care of your interests. In a loving relationship I have to believe taht my partner isnt going to be so childish that she only cares about her own needs.
Yet that is they case.
I survived this long because IM an extemely optimistic person normaly. Very easy going.
If she "absolutely insists" that she is doing right by you, how come you aren't feeling right?
Because it feels wrong. It feels wrong to have someone desire someone the way she does for him and tell me that our fire has faded "And that's normal".
She sounds like someone who is pretty good at twisting words, thoughts and feelings around til you feel puzzled as to why you started complaining in the first place.
Well she is the most intelligent person I have ever know. Which puts me at quite the disadvantage anytime we talk. I generally go into each conversation with a clear plan of what I need to say and usually leave feelng like I was foolish for wanting anything I wanted.
If you don't feel right, it's quite possible that it isn't right regardless of how much she "absolutely insists" that she's doing right by you.
Maybe you should absolutely insist that you are doing right by her for her to start feeling the way she is supposed to feel about you just because you tell her to.
Yeah we all know how that conversation will go. "You can't force feelings".
Confused?
You shouldn't be, it's been working for her to say this crap to you and you ate it. Maybe serve her up a hot bowl of this soup and ask her how it tastes.
I know I shouldnt be confused. I am. I do not understand (beyond the obvious) why I am getting punished here for telling her it was time to start being a couple again. I took away her sex toy. But this is the person who insists to me constantly how sex isnt the most important thing in a relationship. Until it is of course.
She's perfected manipulating you. She knows your limits, and your fears, and is using them to control you.
You don't sound like you're convinced of your boundaries, of your needs and desires.
I would spend some time alone while thinking them through before talking to her about them.
You deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship. And trust me, coming from my screwed up life, this isn't one. Trust in your heart, not in what this abusive woman has been feeding you.
I get it, you want to exhaust every option before calling it quits, what other options do you really believe you have? I think this is the first time someone has posted on these forums that they were a willing partner in a polygamous relationship that has lasted several years.
This is the house you built but now you're saying you don't want to live in it anymore but you don't want to sell it to someone else because it has sentimental value so you don't know how you can stay but make it a completely different home that you can live in, somehow you want the house to be different but still be the same.
Well hell. What I want is my wife to act loving to me again. It has nothing to do with sentimental value. Telling me over and over to dump the bitch isnt what I was lead to believe this website was about.
Yeah, I was dumb, I found myself trying to do something with her that I knew I didnt have the abilty to do. I lasted for years because no matter what she was doing and with who she was doing it with she always came home to me and always was very very loving with me.
That stopped a couple years ago when her life changed. Her job got shitty, her man toy actually got a job and suddenly wasnt available all the time to her. And somehow "I" had to pay for that by giving up more time (freedom) so they could frolic. When I rebeled against that suddenly I was the villan in this little drama. It has nothing to do with sentimental value. And everything to do with I expect people to honor the words they tell me. Or why tell people anything.
I know you want her back. She's not attracted to you. She's using you. She doesn't respect you.
To get that back, you have to earn her respect; you need to make yourself physically attractive; you need to set clear boundaries that there will be no OM in her life.
You have "Doormat" tattooed by her on your ass, and until that's gone, she'll never love and respect you. Women want strong, assertive, confident men. Looking good is also important.
Sure you can. Consider nuns and monks; its about knowing yourself. Physical intimacy is a want not a need. Discard your wants and you can better understand yourself spiritually.
Without getting into the politics of sex and religion we all know how well being celibate actually works for those nuns and monks.
During the "hot wife / cuckold" thing you have had going on was there a time that you enjoyed it and that is why you allowed it to continue?
I never enjoyed the whole not being a part of her sex life. Ever.
Why do you feel you needed to be sexually submissive and undermined by your wife?
Im not submissive to her in any way. The fact is, I have very little control (like most men) over my sex life. It only happens if she wants it to happen. Which is kinda how it is in most marriages.
Even if it was possible for her to change, your relationship dynamics to change, what would you do about the "history?"
Frankly, we all have a history. We are suppose to learn from our past and not make those mistakes in the future. So I suppose moving forward and not messing up again based on our history would be what I do.
And everything to do with I expect people to honor the words they tell me.
I call BS. Did you two have traditional marriage vows or did your poly-woman write them for you? It doesn't appear to me that either one of you honored your wedding vows.
This woman isn't smart but manipulative, big difference. If her real-self is so smart why are you afraid of talking about your situation with anyone in real life? Let her explain it to them. It's time for you to stop being the victim.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She's perfected manipulating you. She knows your limits, and your fears, and is using them to control you.
You don't sound like you're convinced of your boundaries, of your needs and desires.
I would spend some time alone while thinking them through before talking to her about them.
You deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship. And trust me, coming from my screwed up life, this isn't one. Trust in your heart, not in what this abusive woman has been feeding you.
I guess. I just am having problems seperating that this person who i love is capable of being so manipulative. I spend a lot of time thinking about things. Where I have gone wrong. How whats going on righ tnow is affecting my psyche. I know I deserve better. Believe me, I have plenty of ego and self esteem. I just really am struggling to see how this person who I have been with most of my adult life could treat me like this.
