Guys I am so happy I went. I feel so much better. So many things are clear. My old pastor really put me at ease. He said the same things that I pay someone $75 a hour for LOL. And the counsler we go too is pretty darn good. I wish my wife would of been there, but then again Im not sure I would of got as much out of it as I did if she was there. Plus she is not ready yet. Basicaly he said that I have to work on me. Let God change me from the inside out. He said the chances of her coming back go way up, because I change, Im happy the kids are happier, and there is a good chance she will want what we have. But if she doesnt, it will make me a better person and will help me in whatever down the road. I kinda knew that but coming from him it hit home more. He also talk about the "love bank". He said everything my counsler said along with this site and all the books I read...lol. So its in Gods hands now. I texted her the following in the church parking lot :
"I just wanted to tell you Im going to work on myself. Im going to do the things that is going to make me have a better relationship with my wife, children & God. I cant tell you what to do but I can show you. Im not going to make anymore promises but I can show you if you give it time. I love you, I made most of the mistakes in this marriages, Im sorry, I want your forgivenss but I know that will come only when your ready. I realized today that I always didnt do a good job in leading this family by example. I want this marriage to work, I want the children to have there home back with us. I cant control you but I can control myself and change from the inside out. Its not going to happen over night, but its not going to take long either, I can all ready feel it coming. And when you see it your going to want what the kids and I will have and then you can have it and come back and take your spot in this family and we will have more happiness than you can ever imagined! Today did me a lot of good. Steve said he cant wait to meet you and talk to us both. We can be happy together and love each other and all be a family, If you ever want to talk, spend time together or whatever Im here. I love you, keep your eyes peeled!" *** End Text***
I really do feel at peace right now. Me and the kids are going to start back to church either this Sunday or next. The best part is Im doing this for me and the kids, hopefully one day she will goin us. I plan to let that be it for the relationship talk. Outside of counseling until things really improve. I wasnt even going to send that but I just felt it. I went all day until then. Not that it means anything she call me and talked about the kids birthday parties and school supplies list etc. I was the 1st to get off the phone for the 1st time in 7 weeks. It felt good. (This was when I was on my way to the meeting) Since then she text me in general conversation and we exchanged about 14 text each. Nothing major, but hey its talking. Ill take it. I also told her I had to do somethings but to hollar at me later if she wants to.
I know I will have up and down days but its going to be easier letting God handle it. Just be nice, improve, keep being a great dad, and let her choose.
Well the kids and I went to church Sunday, we had a great time. Looking forward to next week. The wife said she is still keeping our thursday counseling apt. She isnt talking much at all. She will take a call and just listen, last night I sent a text asking why she was going out of her way to act like she hated me. She respond "I dont hate you, your the one who said stuff like that". Which I did about 2 years ago, I got mad becuase she was stone walling and in anger said it. I told her I would rather hear it every day from her than for her to act it out like she has done and is still doing. Of course she doesnt say anything. She knows she is in the wrong but is too proud to say it. We both did bad things, I have forgiven but she acts like what I did was so terribly worse than her actions and thats not just the case. It confusing becuase if she believes what she is saying why doesnt she just file for a divorce? So I have no clue what she is thinking. School starts back for the kids in two weeks and with our living arrangements its going to be hard on them and us. She sees that but then when I talk about that she said I dont know what you want me to say. I then say you know this doesnt need to go on for a long time (meaning, the only answer to that problem is her coming home and us working on it) and she said yes I know that. Im not sure what that means either. Because if we divorce this is the same arrangement that we will have. I still have it in Gods hands, but she is confusing with her words and actions. She also knows if she comes home her job hours will have to change. That either means a differnt position or new companey. She likes her job but admits its hell on our marriage and family. So I dont know if she is mulling over what she is and isnt willing to do or what. A few weeks ago she was saying she was trying and doing what was needed and a week ago said she was pretty much done. Now she is still going to counseling but not saying anything if she is on board or not? She has noticed the changes in me. She likes to throw that up to me like " I know your close to perfect now", I simply respond Im far from it, Im just trying to correct my mistakes and save my marriage and change my life and I wish she would do the same. I have also told her she has no reason to be gone anymore. She says nothing. I told her everything she complained about has been or is being changed, she still says nothing. I feel good about whats going on with me and I feel that bolds well for the marriage, just her being angery and going out of her way to seem distant, its so silly I really just cant believe it. Thoughts?
You are correct. I have tried to lay of the pressuring in the last few days. Nothing really changed. The only reason I spoke this morning when she came over to see the kids before I went to work was because the kids start school in 2 weeks. One week I have them 4 days a week and then the next its 3. We rotate. With our jobs and their school schedules its going to be very very hard on them and us. I hate having them go through that.
On the mind reading part I suck at it. She doesnt say anything, so in order to try and figure out whats going on, I just have to watch her actions, and her few words and make a guess at what I think.
Hi LeeSC, Sorry to hear of your sitch; I haven't read all your threads, so my apologies if this misses the mark. A few things just stuck out to me, as being similar to things in my sitch so I thought I might be able to lend some support
Originally Posted By: LeeSC
Which I did about 2 years ago, I got mad becuase she was stone walling and in anger said it....
She sees that but then when I talk about that she said I dont know what you want me to say.
Yes, I've experienced stonewalling and the 'I don't know what you want me to say' line countless times in my M. So I can appreciate how frustrating and hurtful it can be. What I've learned in my sitch is that people who do and say things like this are so entrenched in hurt and pain themselves, that they use stonewalling like a blanket, to protect them from the possibility of future pain. Believe me, this was difficult for me to swallow when I first heard that theory. But I did keep my mind open to it and found out it was true (again, in my sitch). Before I understood this, I would wrack my brains trying to figure out a way to 'open my husband' up to talking, relating, working together with me on our M but to no avail. Stonewalling is actually an unhealthy kind of boundary that people use, when they haven't learned yet how to create healthy ones. So to try to pry them out from behind their walls is very frightening for them. To them, it essentially leaves them defenseless against possible pain. In my case, the way that helped my H and I begin breaking those walls down, was for me to model more healthy boundaries for him - to learn how speak my thoughts opinions and feelings without blame; to just share myself, openly and honestly and with respect, and finally to teach how I wanted to be treated by the way I treated myself. Once you know more 'what to say' and can model it consistently and respectfully over time, I bet she will to (thus thwarting that annoying 'I don't know what you want me to say' stuff); I know my H has. It's taking a long time, but we are beginning to reconnect in ways that we never did, even at the beginning of our R. Sorry, I know I'm speaking in first person here about my sitch... I'm just hoping you'll be able to take from it, anything that you feel also might work for you in yours.
Originally Posted By: LeeSC
I have also told her she has no reason to be gone anymore. She says nothing. I told her everything she complained about has been or is being changed, she still says nothing.
This also stuck out to me LeeSC. Now again, I don't know what's gone on in your sitch; what kinds of hurts have happened. So, I'm not trying to minimize your pain, or excuse her from the hurts she's caused in your M. So that being said, from what you're describing to me - her words, her actions, her stonewalling... LeeSC... She is hurting. She is confused. Believe me. I was the one that almost walked away from my M. Granted, I didn't physically leave so if you feel my opinion isn't valid here, I respect that. But my H and I were both about as emotionally 'gone' from our M as people can get without actually walking out the door. So anyways, your wife is behaving very much like I was, when my M was at it's most disconnected. YES, my thoughts and actions were confusing - they confused ME. And when we're hurting, we don't know WHAT to think, feel, say or do. I so admire that you're trying to correct your mistakes and change your life, and I know you wish she would too. But please, please be patient. What you might not realize that as you watch her, she IS changing inside; and as long as you continue your good work improving yourself, she IS seeing you change. But please, let her feel what she needs to feel, and work through it the way she needs to. I know you say 'its so silly', but to her, nothing could be further from the truth. People need to feel their own hurt first, to be able to work past it; if you're the one who show the respect for her by allowing her that, she'll know it. When my H finally began acknowledging my pain, standing by me and listening to it - granted, not allowing me to take it out on him - but truly, over time allowing me to experience my own feelings, that's when I started to feel like I wanted to reconnect and forgive.
So, I don't know if this has helped you any; I really do feel for you. I can appreciate how frustrated you must be feeling. Sorry, I know this is getting long. Take care, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
You are correct. I have tried to lay of the pressuring in the last few days. Nothing really changed.
A few days? Try a few weeks. The timescale here is not days.
Originally Posted By: LeeSC
On the mind reading part I suck at it. She doesnt say anything, so in order to try and figure out whats going on, I just have to watch her actions, and her few words and make a guess at what I think.
Im not sure whats going on in her mind.
What's going on in her mind isn't what you should be worried about. Your focus is in the wrong direction.
Again, if you haven't read the book, do it, if you have, read it again.
Handsome, I glanced at the book for about 45 mins at lunch. A few things in there I have never seen before. The part that stood out was dont expect a Im sorry. I have been. It said something to the fact if your lucky you might get one later. I kinda went down that road last night when I got that text.
My little girl called me while I was on lunch, and said she just missed me. Mind you that me and my wife have the kids equal amount of time. She said Hey Daddy, I called because I miss you. Mama still hasnt said anything about coming home yet". She just turned 6 a couple of days ago. My little boy who will turn 4 in a few weeks can sense it too, he is hurting. The oldest is doing OK he is 11. Its hard for feelings not to turn into anger when your kids are hurting and the other suspose either down plays it or says nothing. ( I know she loves the kids and she is a great mom) (Her work as pulled her away for the last year ALOT, but before she was the BEST) If I say something about what they say, of course she gets mad. What do I do?
Hi Lee - first off, I will never get an apology from my H. Not a verbal one anyway.
Definitely read and re-read DR. It has helped me to crawl away from insanity back to the person I truly am, and for now my H is responding. Even if he hadn't or if things still end up with a divorce, I am in a better place.
As for the kids, I think you can empathize with them but obviously don't blame your W. Let them talk to her about how they feel - don't put yourself in the middle. To help them along, distraction works great at that age. Make them laugh - play chase - tickle - whatever gets them going. Reassure them you both love them if they still get worried.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
