Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

My advice would be to sit back and go with the flow. Be prepared for a rash of emotions that you won't be expecting and just allow yourself to feel them. I was also the one who filed and my xh said, "I just never expected you to file" and that kind of made me sad, but I never expected him to cheat on me. About 5 months into the divorce process I felt raw, gut-wrenching grief of a kind I had never felt before in my life. But, when I looked up the 'Stages of Grief' I was right on track with the timeline to experience that emotion. Now that I'm on the other side I'm glad I took time to move slowly through everything.

Another piece of advice, take lots of time for you and your son. I know opinions vary here, but I think you need time to learn to live alone and be okay with being alone before even thinking of dating. Too many people, IMHO, rush out to find someone to fill up the emotional void. This is the time for you to just enjoy your new life; there will be lots of men waiting when you know in your heart you are ready.

Thanks golfgirl! I don't hear much about the spouse who tried to same the marriage actually filing so it is good to know there are some out there to help lend some support. I also know I may start crying at the strangest times, but right now I just feel like I have really tried everything and he chose this for himself.

Today Sunday School went well, except my pastor ended the adult class early so that forced me to cut my teachers down by 5 minutes, but it all worked out. A little hectic, but still good, and it will get better as I get used to being in charge.

After church I went out to eat with a friend (brother in law's ex who I love to death). Then she, my sister, S, and I went to the beach. I got some sun and had tons of fun! S played in the water a lot more than normal. On the way home there was a terrible accident that slowed us down to go out to eat for dinner. I know eating out twice in one day...doesn't happen much, but it is the end of the summer and I can splurge a bit. We went to TGIFridays and each got an appetizer, entree and dessert for 12.99 each. What a great deal! So my sister ate too much and said she was going to throw up. We were close to OW's house so I said she could puke on her yard. Don't worry I didn't do that, but I think about mean stuff like that. Then on the way home I see H with OW going to a superstore. My sister wanted me to go into the store and follow them. I said no and just went home, but I did lay on the horn and OW saw me.

This is a blessing because since this has happened I have asked God that if I am to D H then I need to see them together in public. I haven't. Not once. Every other person I know has seen them together at restaurants or driving or at the store, but not me. Tonight I did, and I feel that it just helps to take away the doubt I had. I am very religious and want to do what is right. I know Ding is not the best plan because marriage vows are serious, but I feel like tonight I got the blessing from God that I am doing what is right because H is not going to change. Now I don't have the doubt and although it will be hard, I will have an easier time telling H he will be served some time this week.

I have a friend who has given her husband miles of rope. He's cheated on her. Become an alcoholic. Buried them in debt to the point they had to file bankruptcy.

Yet, still she has stayed with him. I saw her Friday after my church's Celebrate Recovery teaching.

We talked for a while. She's thinking about some "serious" changes.

After a while, enough is enough.

Interesting that you didn't fall to pieces seeing them together.

I wonder how I'll handle that someday.

Awest, it is AWESome that you had fun at the beach today and got to pig out,lol!

Wow, I can't believe you had to see them in public. What an interesting time to see them when you had asked for this as a sign for filing for D.

Are you doing ok? I would have post traumatic stress, personally!

(((awest)))

I filed for legal sep immediately after discovering evidence of the affair - if he could betray and lie to me so blatantly, and had another "ear" to listen to, I wasn't going to leave him free and open access to our finances. I felt I had to protect myself and my kids (after 8 months of being told it was all my fault, while the affair was ongoing).

The judge asked me while I filed for legal sep instead of divorce. I simply said "Hope."

He counter-sued for divorce. He had made his choice.

I've said it before and I'll say it again now - you are a very strong woman! Don't be afraid to feel the emotions, but it's good that you are at a point that seeing H and OW together didn't throw you for a complete loop. It's good too that you have that final encouragement to do what you need to do today. I think this weekend has really given you a chance to be insightful too. You have come so far even in the past couple of months to get your self-esteem back and realize the negative impact of H on you and who you want to be as a person.

Regarding telling him that you filed, I know he won't pick up your calls and you don't want to do it via text, but maybe either 1)go visit him in person at his parents or 2)text him to ask him to call you for an extremely important matter. However you do it, even though you're doing the right thing for your sitch, there's right to feel a sense of loss. As golfgirl said above, be prepared for the grief emotions and embrace them as part of the process and then you can start to move on with a life YOU create. Good luck today!!!

Very nervous and scared about my appointment. I feel like I am very ready for this appointment, but still very scared about the outcome. I cried for a bit due to all the pent up emotion probably, but mostly because I am nervous and i cry when I am scared, nervous, angry, sad, etc. I am better now, but off to the appointment.

You will be fine, Awest. I think it's normal to feel that way. It's a scary thing to face but you will get through it

You will be just fine sweetie. After a few minutes talking to your L you should start to calm down. If they are a good D atty they should be able to make you feel at ease.

Curious. Why do you want to let him know he's being served? Should he have that sort of warning? Can you trust him to not empty whatever bank accounts he may still have access to? I haven't been following your sitch for long so I am not aware how he is with that.

Good luck, AWESOME AWEST!!! I am feeling your strength through the post! Can't wait to hear how you did...not to celebrate filing for D but to celebrate taking a stand.

IMO I think mishka has a good point about the money...hopefully your L will fill you in...be sure that you divide that up or get another bank account, etc before you tell him that you are filing.

The reason why I think you should tell him is that if you didn't, his reaction could be worse and it could jeopardize your divorce proceedings...honestly! There are studies that have been done that say contentious divorces cost more money, take longer, and cause more stress on the kids (although WHY do we need a study to tell us this?).

The other reason is that if you still want him back, then letting him know gives him a window sort of. JUST MY OPINION!!



ME TOO! Until I learned to DB. And now I know that the only reason I cried was because I wasn't good at labeling my emotions and understanding what I was feeling and why. Could you be similar?