Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Yeah so help

I'm in the same boat sir.

She is playing a game ( both our wifes ).

Well, its my life (and yours) and I dont game with my life.

They know they can fall back on us, and it gives them security to do what they do. There is more passion in it for them as well, because they are getting away with something they aren't supposed to. Then when they know you know and they still do. They feel like "King Ding-a-ling" with the spouse pining for them at home and the guy(s) on the side.

Yup. I think this exactly. My problem is, I foolishly consent to all this.

The game she played with you, is alot of the things she used to do for or perform for you or levels of respect and confidentiality, each have been removed or reduced. Kinda like a poker game or a form of bartering.

Yeah, I have slowly watched things be dialed down. She has told me her desire for me has waned so I couldnt ask for much of anything from her other then the basics. And I needed to be okay with that.

All the while watching her give those things to him. It was so destructive for my self confidence you cannot imagine.

They figure, well he will TAKE this much and he's still there. Pretty much they remove it down to almost nothing. What do they call them, "crumbs"?

yup

I heard of us being analogous to a dog, in that we will take the food thats given to us, blindly loyal.

"Food" for us is affection, positive conversation, spending time with, physical and verbal affirmations. It takes time.

Oh yes. Its what we fight about, she believes she gives me plenty of affection and that IM a bottomless pit. I just dont see it. I havent been seriously kissed by this woman in years. Me asking to have some nightly face time became a game, because she says its too much time to give to one person..She would be happy, thrilled if I went out all the time, and even if I took lovers of my own. I smply do not get this.

Check out QuickSilver264 posts. I was telling him, hell its pretty much effectively over - he may as well join the party.

Start his own party and end up around her circles after he's built up enough momentum. To show her what she's doing IS NOT SPECIAL.

I could easily go out tomorrow and have a ball. Its not about who I am as a man. I am a damn good looking fellow who has had plenty of opportunities (which I turn down). Its not the point. IM a married man, who loves his wife. And thats who I am.

Theres alot of good people to listen to here, without resources like this I could have literally lost my mind.

Now that my mind is not trying to rationalize lies or make up excuses for her, I just get mad or depressed and many days I'm not caring, because I'm getting past that point.

Im actually starting to feel very crazy. I keep working through my head that somehow I have done something wrong. Something horribly wrong to drive my wife away. I just cant figure out what it is so I can stop.

I still try to rationalize all this, but Im coming up short. So, Im trying this now with you guys hoping there are some stones I have left unturned.

She can provide it, because she did it before. What the truth is that she is putting much of her attention on this other male, or herself and she's not giving it to you. It doesn't take much time, and even small amounts of time and attention she is not willing to give you.

What helped me is "What would I tell my son in the same situation?", "Do I want to teach my son through my inaction that this is OK, that it is OK for a woman to treat him like his mother treats me. Or is it, I'm that lowly of a man that I don't deserve mutual respect, generousity and a loving relationship?"

because she was out #$%*&@! another man

I completely agree with this. And stated from the beginning. Fell on deaf ears.



I think that is your first goal. Learn to think for yourself. What does AZRob believe? What are your values/morals? What are your convictions?

I dont think the open thing was a terrible idea. It certainly didnt run counter to my morals. Its just not something "I" want to do. To me, if we were going to do this, then its something we should be doing together. The seperating thing is my real issue with it.



let me guess, she told you that?

Well i have never been in a 17 year marriage. So I can only believe what I am told or see. Our love life has cooled a lot over the years, something she always told me would happen.

I think you need to take that mind-clearing walk that Coach just talked about. Cuz I'm not seeing where everyone advocated giving up. SOME did, but you've also been given a LOT of excellent boundary-setting tips and suggested scripts.

I just think you find them all very uncomfortable to pull off.

Puppy

She can provide it, because she did it before. What the truth is that she is putting much of her attention on this other male, or herself and she's not giving it to you. It doesn't take much time, and even small amounts of time and attention she is not willing to give you.

Well she use to tell me it was no big deal to spend 20 or 30 minutes a night having sex. Then one day it became this giant deal. I have no idea what changed.

What helped me is "What would I tell my son in the same situation?", "Do I want to teach my son through my inaction that this is OK, that it is OK for a woman to treat him like his mother treats me. Or is it, I'm that lowly of a man that I don't deserve mutual respect, generousity and a loving relationship?" [/quote]

That is what makes all this not so cut and dry. I have kids who IM trying ot teach life lessons here. Which one will they get? That dad has no spine, or that dad didnt cut and run when things got tough.

azrob,

Allowing the other relationship took a lot of your "fire" as your wife calls it, and put it over with the OM. This is how it happens.

On starting the party back up. As a man, I like to enjoy life. I can dial it back a bit and more stable for my family, but also I don't mind us having fun within reason.

If the wife completely blows her committment to me, as yours has, I believe we should start our party back up. Sometimes we just have to show them, what they are doing is not special.

Also "Remove the cake".

That one's easy. You allowed her to bring another man into your marriage, and into your bed.

Rob, your problems started when you first AGREED to that. NOT when you finally decided to put a STOP to it.

It's been said that in the NFL, the day that a head coach is hired, is also the day he is FIRED ... the date just hasn't been filled in yet.

Same thing here. The day you allowed an interloper into the sanctity of your marriage, was the day you "did something wrong," and "pushed your wife away." Now, it was highly likely that it wouldn't be TRIGGERED until one day when you finally decided to stand up for monogamy, but THAT, Rob, make no mistake, was the day you sealed your original marriage's fate.

Puppy

As long as you agree with "the world according to her", that's what you will get. We can't help you if you won't help yourself. And Retrouvaille is not therapy. It is learning to talk to your spouse as equals -- something you need more than a weekend's training on!

No, Im just in a place right now where I cant express myself properly. The script you provided is pretty dead on to what I ahve already done. I wont go back to having that man in our life. That path is now closed to her. But IM more focused on getting the zip back in between us. Because If I cant do that then she will leave at some point. WHo wouldnt? Am I unhappy, you bet, but I suffer from believing that there is no problem that I cant solve if I am willing to put the work in.

Well again, I dont lack for women who want to give me the attention I deserve. I just always felt that was really wrong. Further it plays right into exactly what she wants me to be. COmpletely poly.