azrob, the best advice I can give you is to see a therapist/mc on your own to sort through all this. It is VERY complicated. He/she may give you better insight and a plan.
Personally, I would let this one go and I would run the other way. I can also 'understand' you want to stay married but I don't see any benefit in it for you.
I wish you the best of luck.
I started seeing one about 8 months ago hoping he could give me tools to better handle her need to be poly. He kinda didnt do that. Thanks though...I owe it to my kids to play this out, im just looking for any kind of advice here to help. I keep thikning im missing something here.
Therepist and church counsel goes along way. She's emotionally and spiritially raping you.
Also workout and GAL, have fun and TREAT YOURSELF.
She's not concerned about you, only about holding you in this situation so she can do what she's doing.
I believe you are going to have to leave.
Perhaps before you leave you do some of the DB principles and attempt to MAKE HER WAKEUP.
Im not spiritual but I am seeing a therapist. I work out all the time and take good care of my health. I struggle with whether or not she cares. It was hurting her to see me in so much pain which is why she ultimately gave him up. But now she is so locked into her own depression that she isnt seeing the rest of the world. I dontknow.
azrob - I have a difficult M. My H has retained a lawyer (not yet filed D). I'm doing everything I can to save my M as that is what I feel is right for my situation.
I read your story. Even though I am a huge proponent of staying married v. getting divorced, IMO you do not have a M. Tell her what you want. If she wants the same thing (doesn't sound like it), see a MC. If not, move on. You deserve more. Your children deserve more.
Thanks, I dont disagree, my situation is pretty untenable right now. But I feel that I have to exhaust every resource possible before I put my family through this. She has cut me off on some things like Marriage COunselors and the like. But its hard to look into my kids eyes and be selfish so I need to exhaust every avenue. Which is why I came here...hoping to gain some more perspective.
she has long told me she was a serial monogamist and she did this poly thing so she wouldnt throw away a perfectly good relationship (me) for the new shiny.
go walk around the block a couple of times, look at the birds, stop and get a coke, smile at some passersby and then re-read that like an adult. your view of a committed relationship is skewed.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Either she commits to this for the rest of the marriage, forever, or it's over. She is playing you. She is saying inside her head, "I'll try this for awhile since I don't want to lose him, but when he feels good about us again and doesn't want to divorce, I can probably go back to doing what I did before." \ She wont be going back. Unless she divorces me. Of this you can be sure. SHe isnt trying it like that rather she is trying to see if she can be happy sans him.
I suggest that you try a Retrouvaille weekend to try to resolve your differences, see the website www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. I hate to say it, but this is why "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or the corollary- your friend's husband, has been a rule just about since we had rules of conduct. I wish you luck, but she is cake eating big time. You need to make her choose between being married and being single. The rest of us don't get to do both, and neither should she.
Well she will refuse anything that smells of therapy. She has a valid reason...which sucks for me, because thats exactly what is needed here.
Yeah she wants everything and I keep her from that. I have told her she doesnt get to ahve both me and total unfettered freedom. But understand her lover says he would ever block her freedom so its just one more place where I fall short.
Those ^ are two of the finest, most concise, CLEAREST consecutive posts as you'll ever find on these forums.
I hope he follows them.
Puppy
I dont happen to disagree with anything anyone has said here. I just need to exhaust all my avenues before I give up. ANd I cant fail here. This is not just my life IM talking about but my kids.
You will be surprised how much confidence and sense of security you will have restored into you when you have a real relationship partner.
What you are going to have to be careful going forward is you cannot project what your wife did to you onto the new lady. Your projection can cause her to lose trust, and then the relationship gets out of wack like it is today.
You don't have trust with her.
Marriage is a partnership.
Marriage is a trust.
Among other things.
As coach says, if she is unworthy of trust today and is comfortable with her actions - why should she change?
I guess. I dont know. I dont expect her to change who she is. But since we really arent animals I do expect her to change her actions. I guess im screwed here. I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
Humans, can and DO change. We have to change in many cases or we can end up dead or in jail for example. People can change WHO they are as well ( as in what their priorities are in life )...
IN your case, she HAS to WANT to change. She has to believe that she wants to change.
Looking forward there are a great many people who will take you exactly as you are, and value you.
What your wife is doing to you, what many of OUR spouses are doing to us, devalue us.
Good luck to you.
Yeah, I know, I started standing up and its what led to all this. Im trying to hang in there now, but I need more then what IM getting.
I'm in the same boat sir.
She is playing a game ( both our wifes ).
They know they can fall back on us, and it gives them security to do what they do. There is more passion in it for them as well, because they are getting away with something they aren't supposed to. Then when they know you know and they still do. They feel like "King Ding-a-ling" with the spouse pining for them at home and the guy(s) on the side.
The game she played with you, is alot of the things she used to do for or perform for you or levels of respect and confidentiality, each have been removed or reduced. Kinda like a poker game or a form of bartering.
They figure, well he will TAKE this much and he's still there. Pretty much they remove it down to almost nothing. What do they call them, "crumbs"?
I heard of us being analogous to a dog, in that we will take the food thats given to us, blindly loyal.
Then I heard a new one of a "Turtle". A "Turtle" takes very little foor and lasts for a very long time before he needs to eat again.
"Food" for us is affection, positive conversation, spending time with, physical and verbal affirmations. It takes time.
In the end, we aren't worth their time. In some of them we have lost value by being in their game.
I just want you to understand what it is.
Check out QuickSilver264 posts. I was telling him, hell its pretty much effectively over - he may as well join the party.
Start his own party and end up around her circles after he's built up enough momentum. To show her what she's doing IS NOT SPECIAL.
Theres alot of good people to listen to here, without resources like this I could have literally lost my mind.
Now that my mind is not trying to rationalize lies or make up excuses for her, I just get mad or depressed and many days I'm not caring, because I'm getting past that point.
she has long told me she was a serial monogamist and she did this poly thing so she wouldnt throw away a perfectly good relationship (me) for the new shiny.
go walk around the block a couple of times, look at the birds, stop and get a coke, smile at some passersby and then re-read that like an adult. your view of a committed relationship is skewed.
Well, she has long told me that the longer you are with someone the less fire there is in the relatoinship (love life). She is my partner, and sure enough I have seen this happen. So I dont know what to think, its a long standing problem between us...me desiring more of her then she can provide. I dont want you to think she is a complete jerk...she isnt...I certainly have my own foilbles here.
she has long told me that the longer you are with someone the less fire there is in the relationship
why do you believe what she tells you?
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She is my partner, and sure enough I have seen this happen.
because she was out #$%*&@! another man
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So I dont know what to think
I think that is your first goal. Learn to think for yourself. What does AZRob believe? What are your values/morals? What are your convictions?
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its a long standing problem between us, me desiring more of her then she can provide.
let me guess, she told you that?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
