azrob - I have a difficult M. My H has retained a lawyer (not yet filed D). I'm doing everything I can to save my M as that is what I feel is right for my situation.
I read your story. Even though I am a huge proponent of staying married v. getting divorced, IMO you do not have a M. Tell her what you want. If she wants the same thing (doesn't sound like it), see a MC. If not, move on. You deserve more. Your children deserve more.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
It is a dealbreaker. And I have let her know that in no uncertain terms now. When she first ended things with him I told her that I thought that wasnt the way to go and we could compromise . . .
This is where you blew it, Rob, and where you need to get back to.
THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE on monogamy. It's no-contact (with other men), full transparency, complete monogamy -- PERIOD. This is not something you can "split the difference" on.
Quote:
ANd she is pissed that I made her choose.
Nope -- wrong. Difference between an ultimatum and a BOUNDARY. Boundaries are about YOU.
I'm in a hurry, so I'll copy and paste this from my personal archives, to explain the difference:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
Puppy
AND
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
Okay. I have done just this. I have taken my responsiblity for agreeing to this. I did consent to trying this and when I realized I couldnt move forward with things pushed her and it to make changes. She sys she wants to be married to me and losing me would be just as horrible to her as losing him has been. She is willing to try monogamy again fully and she wants to keep things together for the family. But she also says she loves me. (You know that song, I love you iM not in love withyou).
No, No, No.
There is no try.
Either she commits to this for the rest of the marriage, forever, or it's over. She is playing you. She is saying inside her head, "I'll try this for awhile since I don't want to lose him, but when he feels good about us again and doesn't want to divorce, I can probably go back to doing what I did before."
Man, come on. There is no try here. You can "try" to work on a marriage or aspects of it like communication, time together, etc. But you don't "try" to work on your wedding vows. You just do them.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I suggest that you try a Retrouvaille weekend to try to resolve your differences, see the website www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. I hate to say it, but this is why "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or the corollary- your friend's husband, has been a rule just about since we had rules of conduct. I wish you luck, but she is cake eating big time. You need to make her choose between being married and being single. The rest of us don't get to do both, and neither should she.
You said you're a one woman kind of guy. Typically, that means you desire to be with a one-man kind of woman.
You've fooled yourself into thinking this is OK. Obviously, it's not with you.
I believe you when you say she doesn't want to divorce. Of course not! She gets everything she wants and has to give nothing back! Nothing, I say? Yes, I said that. Think about it really hard.
So, make your boundaries (again, Monogomy). Be clear that she needs to leave if she does not honor them. You will accept no alternative. You respect yourself too much to continue a life like this.
Start gathering evidence now. She is honestly a serial adultress. That does not look favorably to anyone.
Yeah I am. I dont give my heart or my trust away easily. But when I do it belongs to who ever I gave it to. WHich is rather my problem now. She is prepared to be monogamist forever, but she is making me pay now. Its funny that you call her a serial adultress, because she has long told me she was a serial monogamist and she did this poly thing so she wouldnt throw away a perfectly good relationship (me) for the new shiny.
I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
You are getting (free) advice. The advice is resoundingly telling you to respect yourself more and not tollerate open disrespect anymore. If the marriage ends because you cannot get the kind of commitment you'd find in... say a... marriage, then be prepared to walk away.
She knows she can push you around, and she has done so for years, so the prospects aren't good.
Yeah they really arent. I recognize this. But Im trying to keep my chin up and do the work here.
You will be surprised how much confidence and sense of security you will have restored into you when you have a real relationship partner.
What you are going to have to be careful going forward is you cannot project what your wife did to you onto the new lady. Your projection can cause her to lose trust, and then the relationship gets out of wack like it is today.
You don't have trust with her.
Marriage is a partnership.
Marriage is a trust.
Among other things.
As coach says, if she is unworthy of trust today and is comfortable with her actions - why should she change?
I guess. I dont know. I dont expect her to change who she is. But since we really arent animals I do expect her to change her actions. I guess im screwed here. I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
Humans, can and DO change. We have to change in many cases or we can end up dead or in jail for example. People can change WHO they are as well ( as in what their priorities are in life )...
IN your case, she HAS to WANT to change. She has to believe that she wants to change.
Looking forward there are a great many people who will take you exactly as you are, and value you.
What your wife is doing to you, what many of OUR spouses are doing to us, devalue us.
Good luck to you.
Yeah, I know, I started standing up and its what led to all this. Im trying to hang in there now, but I need more then what IM getting.
