Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

I think he stopped going because it hurt him to see you doing so well. And flirting. And being hit on. That must have been painful for him. I know it would kill me to see my H doing so well--fortunately, my H is doing terrible right now.lol.

You have to get the compassion to validate properly. "H, I understand you want a D--I love you and do not want this, but I respect your decision to do this. Can we go to counseling? or just take a break? or just separate first?" with LOTS of sadness in your tone. And then drag your feet a litte--do the bare minimum, but do what he wants.

Is this how it went, or did you take charge and "beat him" at getting this D moving?!

remember, i'm the lbs. he could care less what i do.
as greek said. he has moved on.

if your h asked for a d, and he saw you having a ball. would he be hurt? it's mind reading that i want to avoid.


i tried to talk him out of it and educate him on the consequences but i think he wanted to be right at all costs. he was probably tired of me being right. and you know how i give that 'look'? i think even though i may not have relished in my victories with words, i probably did so in other ways .. like giving a 'look'. i don't want to say i didn't because it's obvious i did .. just didn't know it. i've learned a lot about me here .. and that i say i didn't give the look .. but likely didn't know i was giving 'the look'.

i'm working on figuring out whether i want to be right or be married.
what does being right mean?
if i choose 'being married', does that mean i have to stop being right even though i know what the right thing is?

obviously not. otherwise, i wouldn't be here.

having a difficult time digesting the rest of Greek's post. it is very different from what other's suggest.

need to clear my head after being hit with a 2x4.

I'm going to call you out on that. Read the following quotes from your other threads:










These are posts to you from 4 other posters here who have suggested the same thing I did and have before. There are many more like it - these took about 2 seconds to find. Didn't even have to dig for them. For you to claim that you now have to process what I wrote to you b/c it was a 2x4 (which it is) and DIFFERENT from what you are getting from others (which it is not) is simply sticking your head in the sand (which you are free to do) ~~~ but call it what it is.

Greek

different as in which of the options suggested from my lawyer.
not whether to drop the rope or not.

all i have been doing is working on me for me. it has helped. it has built my self-esteem back up to the point where i think .. yeah, i am better than this. maybe forrest was trying to trick me into dropping the rope. he realized that he was going down a cheeseless tunnel by telling me. so he found a different way to make me do work. figured out what got me off my chair.

isn't that part of being a good db-er? from the quotes, it sure sounds like i'm doing that. recognizing my faults? half-check (still working on this). working hard at improving myself for me? check.

i have worked on what makes me happy. and i don't avoid places because i worry about h being there. and i don't work my schedule around h so i can run into him. i look out for me, and only me.

do i care whether he sees my changes or not? no. i focus on what has made me smile and what hasn't. squash has given me some self-confidence. my goal isn't to win back my h. my goal is to be part of a team tournament in january. if i don't make it, i will know i worked hard and tried. even though lauraoh and coach has said before that h is watching me, it actually doesn't cross my mind. i don't do things because i think he's watching me. in fact, i was told that a lot of squash players watch other players play - and i don't notice that either. when i am on the court, i focus on what i'm going to do. i don't care who's watching me.
i don't dress up because i might run into my h. i do it because it's who i am.

i could have played squash at another club to avoid being at the same club as my h. but why? i wasn't going to get better at that club. sacrifice my goals just to avoid h? that would have been the wrong thing to do.

Did I miss something?

Greek..

"And you are trading them to wait for a husband who chose an alternate path in HIS life. HE has moved ON."

What if Coach had been given this advice and followed it?

I am confused.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...699#Post1526699

Seems as you had picked an alternate path too. L and all.

Please explain exactly what point you are trying to get across her.

"I'm going to call you out on that. Read the following quotes from your other threads:"

Well I will call you out on she has done nothing but journal. There has been little to no communication with her H.

I can agree that she is sitting in wait.. but at this point he has not seen that.

Am I wrong? Did I miss the story somewhere?

From what I "see" there has just been lots of conjecture and hand raising.

She has played squash with him. She did bake him some cupcakes that he never got. He did wave to her. Beyond that.. she has not interacted with him at all.

You don't know how happy I am that she has not posted "I screwed up and did X"

To me.. it is a walk. She can sit inside her apartment and cry her eyes out and pray to the gods above to save her. As long as he does not see it.. I am fantastic with that. I appreciate the "hardline" approach. Personally, I think we are way past implementing that here. And I doubt that D has it in her to pull it off. Maybe when she gets some papers.. things will change. Right now.. all I see.. is a small step forward in her posts. This is a good thing.

I am so glad Forrest weighed in.

Greek was not the LBS. Her husband, Coach, worked his BUTT off from what I can tell. He is very, very wise and I have loved each and every one of his posts. I am not so sure they would be together if he had not done this. And D4L, I have been the LBS TWICE now.

First time was 6 years ago. 2nd is now. As of TODAY, my H has seen a L and tells me I will be served soon. He is much further in the process this time than he was the first time.

I am doing EXACTLY what I did the first time and GAL, 180s, validating, etc. And although it may look like my H has "moved on", he hasn't. At all. He watches my every move. People who are veterans of this KNOW that this is what goes on.

I have the advantage of knowing exactly what my H is thinking because after the first time he did this, a few years later, he TOLD me what he was thinking!!! I am not "mind readin" at all--he TOLD me how miserable it made him to see me GAL and thrive while he was miserable.

The LBS is the one that does the work. In DBusting it speaks of this--why do WE have to do it? I can't remember the answer, but it may be that we are the more mature ones in the R. We believe in our spouses. We have hope. I know in my R, I am the optimist, and he is the pessimist. Am I upset about that? I know I should be--heck, I should be really REALLY angry that this is happening again. But I learned the first time there are so many positives that come and I'm now enjoying every positive revalation.

The first time this happened to me, I remember feeling like you--how DARE he. I was so angry. But thank GOD I found these boards and looked at MY PART and CHANGED. I had plenty of things I contributed. When I took responsibility for my part, and did all the other things, my R got better. We enjoyed a good 5 years there.

This time, again, I STILL see things I can do better than before. I have gone to a new level of fabulousness.lol. He will be nuts to leave me, but...there you go! Ultimately you do drop the rope--but not before working your BUTT off!!

You are doing well--please believe Forrest and Coach and me when we say this. You can do this!! You are no where NEAR ready to "drop the rope". Heck, you have barely tried to hold onto it, it is not time to drop it!lol.

this is what really confused me about greek's post.
it seemed like they were on different pages. unless i wasn't reading coach's posts correctly. i thought the face time was needed.

i understand that other vets have chimed in and are adamant that dropping the rope is the key. but they haven't read my sitch thoroughly. "dropping the rope" is great advice for those who are still interacting with their h's for maximum impact. but me? you guys know there is little to no contact. so what is "dropping the rope" going to do? as far as he's concerned, i have and we are two strangers now.

the GAL work that i'm doing is now second nature to me. i'm not faking it anymore. so when i am happy, it's not a fake smile. it's real. i love the changes in me and i have my self-confidence back.

at the beginning of this, i kept saying how devastated i'd be if i found out that there was someone else. how do i feel now? i say go ahead. if he thinks he found someone better than me, then i wish him the best. finding someone takes time. you have to click with that person. once the honeymoon phase is over, the real work begins. if neither of them is committed to doing the work, then he will end up in the same situation .. going through one relationship after another. breakup after breakup. and the best part? i won't be a part of that vicious cycle. so no skin off my back.

i don't think i made changes to who i am over the last 30 days. i think i let the real me out. they weren't changes. i had the opportunity to let the real me out. i wanted to be a better squash player, i wanted to learn how to bake from scratch, and i wanted to take my career further. this is who i was - pre-marriage. i didn't have a bf. it was just me.

i think he is missing out big time. i think i bring a lot to the table. for him not to see it, is his loss.

being me, put a smile on my face. i feel alive again.
and people are drawn to me now. i said that i am so used to bringing out the best in others - which is why people seek me out for mentoring. when i was down on my luck, others have come to help bring out the best in me. do you believe in karma? i do now.


i believe in this piece of advice. ultimately, you will drop the rope. it isn't the solution for now.

i think he will be nuts to leave you too.


thanks, lauraoh.
you've followed my sitch enough to know that i never held on to begin with.

thanks for the encouragement. i am going to keep working on me. and really think about what i will say, how i will say it, and prepare for any outcome.

I'm pretty sure Coach and Greek weren't seeing each other at all after he dropped the rope.

I am pretty sure that the less you see and interact with your spouse, the more important dropping the rope is.


Dropping the rope doesn't mean "wishing them into the cornfield" (old "Twilight Zone" reference), and it doesn't mean being nasty. It is simply deciding that the Universe (God, Allah, Yaweh, and so on) has its plans, you have had different plans, and the reason you are struggling is because in a battle between you and the Universe, the Universe wins every time, so you stop fighting it. You just let go of what you cannot control.

And you cannot control anything but YOU.