Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My 17,000th Post

"Bo-Peep" is the approach of "Just leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."

I always knew, just anecdotally, that it didn't work, but I wasn't entirely sure WHY. Then one day it hit me. From my personal archives:


“Affairs are ADDICTIONS” – and they DON’T “die a natural death!”

I'm sorry, but I think you're being naive. Check out my # of posts -- I've been here six years (counting my prior time as "Chocolateeyes") and have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs. I've simply never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" approach work. You leave them alone, and they WON'T come home, wagging their tails behind them.

Affairs are ADDICTIONS. Google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some research on it. And then try to name for me ONE other type of addiction -- gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, ANYTHING -- that dies its own natural death if you leave it alone.

You can't.

In fact, nearly all begin to ESCALATE, as the addict needs a stronger and stronger rush to get their "fix."

depends on what independent intel is.
is hiring a PI the best way to go?

sorry. i am not going to hijack this thread.

thanks puppy

My Old Posts as "Chocolateeyes"


For reference, my wife's affair was May - Aug, 2007.

Puppy

is that why the saying goes .. "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

"It's not a hijack, Your Honor -- the Prosecution opened up this line of questioning with his opening post!"

"Sustained."

So, what's your question, MIL? Is hiring a PI the best way to go? Always, if you can afford it, but there are a LOT of other, more affordable ways. What I mean when I say "independent," is that most people's idea of "verifying" is to ASK THEIR ALLEGEDLY-CHEATING SPOUSE. And the problem with that is:

- If they aren't cheating, they will say there is no one else.

- If they ARE cheating, they will say there is no one else.

Good luck with THAT.

No, "independent" verification includes keylogger, voice-activated recorder, cellphone detailed billing invoices, looking at cellphone text message content, GPS on their car, etc.

Puppy

NO. The saying is, "ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."

But the recidivism rate for infidelity, IF one follows a thorough plan which includes sending a no-contact letter, complete transparency, and good MC or FT with someone trained in infidelity, can be quite low -- I'd estimate less than 20%.

However, WITHOUT those things, I'd place it well north of 90%+.

Puppy

Puppy, I love your advice. Many people are lucky to have you on here. I know I liked your advice when needed.


Love the "ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."

It's unfortunate more people don't follow that advice. I understand the confusion in trying to follow MWD's advice from the books and go the Bo Peep route. I know I wasted time doing that! But you're SO right, it doesn't work. The only thing that works is respecting yourself enough to not sit around and take that crap behavior from anyone.

Congrats on the big 17-000!

Bo Peep doesn't work, especially with an affair involved. It takes incredible strength to take a tough love stance (affair busting) or courage to let them go, but these are the only way.
The tricky bit is sticking to your guns, and remaining civil and gracious during the most painful time in your life. I failed that. Hysterical does not bring a wayward back home.

Puppy,
I mentioned the 2B approach if we cannot confirm an EA or PA..
Not sure if you agree or disagree on that.