Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

She came home early tonight...3 pm. Said she didn't feel well but would head back up to work later on this evening. Asked for our tax file since she filed an extension and then said if my insurance would cover her first IC visit on 4 Aug. I said 80% of it and she said she would probably cancel since she can't afford it. She said she couldn't afford her half of the summer school so I paid the whole thing. I put $5k back into our joint bank account and she has $10k in there. Any money I spend is both our money (marital assets) so I am tired hearing about money and told her so. She said thats all we have left. SO I said, You are right. You have been right all along and I will file for a divorce on Monday. She said because I am canceling my IC, and I said yep.

I went and got the kids and when I got home she was making supper, did the dishes and is playing old maid right now with the kids. She wanted to have a talk about being nice and going through mediation so it wont cost much. I said that is up to the advice of my lawyer. If she were to ask me anything more I will remind her what she told the MC yesterday that she doesn't trust any word that comes out of my mouth and if I do say something worth hearing I will have an ulterior motive and not a good motive at that. If that is so then it is a waste of time to have any conversation.

She has said once before cant we do this in a friendly manner. If she brings that up again I will remind her she said she doesn't care about anything or anyone. Who wants a friend like that? Who wants to be in a R with a person like that let alone try to work together to rebuild a R?

I told her I was going to a museum with the kids tomorrow in St Louis (2 hours away). She said St Louis again? I almost said what do you care. She can go up to work all day or do whatever it is she does. She spent the evening sewing tags back on the clothes she has been wearing for weeks to take back to the stores. Nice huh?

Monday I will call my L.

I just got this email from her work. Yes its 9 at night and she went back up to work!

Sorry for being a bitch about the money thing. If I knew what to do about all this I would do it.
I feel so far gone that everyday I am just barely existing.

My answer I'm sure is not DB material.

And that is why you need the individual counseling not matter the cost.

But now it is me who is done.

You ask can we be friendly thru this. I would never want a friend who "doesn't care about anyone or anything" let alone be in a relationship with that person. You completely drag me emotionally downward. I can not deal with any more pessimism. It is not attractive to me.

Any discussion I had with you would be useless since you "don't trust a single word that comes out of my mouth and if I did say something worthwhile it would be because I have an ulterior motive and not a good one at that." I believe those are your words.

You quit.

You quit on me. You quit on the family. And you quit on our marriage.

The damage is done. I am done.

I will file divorce paperwork on Monday and pay the $222 filing fee. You were right all along and I should have trusted your instincts when it comes to relationships. I now see the light and that we are better off apart just like you said.

it's kind of hard to convey you are done when you invest so much emotional energy in a message to your wife.

I told her I would not blindside her and tell her before I filed. I guess the last paragraph would have sufficed.

Thought I'd be nice and just ask if she wanted to go to St Luois with me and the kids. To my surprise she did. Of course a 2 hour trip we eventually talked.

Readers Digest version: She says she still loves me but doesn't know if she wants to be married. She does not have a laundry list of changes for me. She is unhappy and doesn't think she has depression. She just wants to do what she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.

Her first IC is scheduled for 4 Aug. I will feel pretty damn guilty if I file on Mon and change everyone's lives (mostly kids) to find out she does have a chemical imbalance (depression).

Chuck

She has worked 7 days in a row and tells me she will work late again tonight (for me to go pick up our kids) and will be busy all week. She worked 60+ hours last week too.

She told a co-worker that she is working only an hour or so tomorrow and then taking the whole day off. She never told me that.

Friends think I should either directly confront her tonight or see what she is up to tomorrow. I have IC at 11 am tomorrow so can't follow her around all day. Either way is not detaching, but I have never found any proof or EA or PA either? She doesn't use her cell phone. Most of the time it's off. Recorder in car and call logs wont work (has Tracfone anyway) Her minutes are not going down. She only uses her laptop at home for legit sites. Her virus scan at work picked up my key-logger and have been unsuccessful there.

Cousin offered use of his vehicle if I need it tomorrow. What should I do?

I thought you decided to file,
if you don't file but you told her you were going to file for divorce today, she called your bluff and guess what, she won.

Stop following her, stop tracking her,
she doesn't want to be with you,
you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you.

You are totally chasing her, pursuing her and she'll never have those feelings for you until you start moving in the opposite direction.

Who cares what she has scheduled for tomorrow.

Seriously if you're miffed about you having to take care of the kids 24/7, tell her you have plans for tomorrow and unfortunately she is going to have to come up with some way of taking care of the kids, it's ok, you're allowed, she's been doing it to you all this time, you can do it to her and let her handle the pressure of being a parent and juggling work and parenting.

Otherwise just take care of yourself and the kids and let her go wherever she wants to go, if she's going out to some hotel tomorrow to shag some other guy, if you follow her what's going to happen? You'll beat him up and possibly her too and then what, go to jail, have a record, not be able to have custody of the kids, etc.

Let her go, she wants out so badly, open the door for her and point her in the direction of her freedom with a big smile on your face.

Hadn't received some advice for awhile and didn't realize I was so far off track. I can see pursuing so easy on other posts but I guess I can't see it in myself. 2x4 warranted. I will fall back and move in a different direction.

tell her to watch the kids tomorrow because you will be at the lawyers office signing the required paper work