Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

Has anyone used a DB Coach?

$720 for 6 sessions?

Am I pulling in opposite directions if I am paying for a L/filed for D and paying for a coach too?

I've had lots of questions...any answers?

My L got the word that I want to file. He is preparing the paperwork for me to sign and said my W's L called and said they are filing too. Walk-a-way spouse has turned into a Run faster away spouse. And we still sleep in the same bed. Not feeling real detached right now.

Chuck, this sounds a lot like me and my wife. She has scheduled and cancelled a divorce hearing twice. The first time we slept in the same bed night before. She got up in the morning and dressed to go to court (my attendance was not required) but then called and cancelled at the last minute. For a while I was calling her the dread pirate wifey "good night honey. sleep well. I will most likely divorce you in the morning"

Thank goodness you responded. I was beginning to think I was talking to myself or made everyone mad for some reason. Your bit of humor did make me smile! Not so sure my wife will ever cancel. She couldn't get off the fence a few days ago. I guess her filing too means she has made a decision.

I still feel there is an EA. She went to work at 8-11pm on a Sat and works 11 hours a day week days. When I used to call up there she was always there. It has to be the computer. At least you don't have any kids. My twin 6 year olds are adorable and have no idea.

Our nest egg is 20 years of savings and feel I will probably be able to keep the house but she will get the entire egg. I think Puppy said women never jump unless they have something soft to land on. All our savings will provide a nice cushion.

I will read your entire thread before I start asking you questions like why did you move out?

Thanks for replying,
Chuck

I am back home now. I moved out because i thought the divorce was sure to happen. It was a last ditch effort to shake wife up and get her to re-think what she was doing. The problem was: I didn't move very far away (walking distance) and never detached. The result was it was easier for her to carry on her affair. If I had it to do over again I would have asked her to leave.

I'm just on the 4th page of your thread. I do see a lot of similarities between us including our age. You had a lot of help from Puppy, Sandi, Shocked, Number8, Jasper...

You made the move out decision before you got on this site. I wouldn't have known any better since I learned it here too. I really felt alone and thought that my sitch was the only one in the world like this. Then you come here and find out it's an epidemic!

Chuck

It's hard to imagine our spouses just up and leaving without something better than what they have, but don't underestimate the power of unhappiness. I too think that despite all the intel work I've done, that there HAS to be someone else waiting in the wings. But I'm just worrying about shadows really.

Today I was in a full blown panic over something trivial. My wife had asked for some time off from work so we could meet with our pediatrician. Her work schedule showed her being off an additional 2 hours, so I dreamed up all sorts of scenarios of her meeting with the OM, meeting a lawyer, anything nefarious you could imagine. And in the end, I had just misread her schedule.

In my sitch, I think my wife is just having a combination of MLC with a fantasy EA that's entirely one-way. In fact, EAs with all her male coworkers who are much younger, and not tied down as she thinks she is.

So for me, I still need to DB, and fully let go of the rope. I'm so thankful I have my two daughters to love and cherish. I only got to talk to them on the phone for 5 minutes tonight, but that restored my sanity enough to go get a cold beer out of the fridge, and IM a friend with how I was doing.

It's wonderful that we have this site. And it's really amazing that so few therapists, counselors don't have a clue about what's really happening, or are so worried about being totally blunt and honest. That's the one thing I've treasured since the first reply Coach gave me; no punches are going to be pulled here, yet everyone, everyone is really rooting for the best for each and every one of us.

PH,
I have misread things too. Jumped the gun on a PA that wasn't, etc.

I talk to my C about this site. Che has reservations about me getting advice off the Internet. But when I tell her the specifics and she agrees to each of the things you are telling me here. The only one she disagrees with is not saying ILY.

mrbt,
I'm hoping my W is as conflicted as yours with the D proceedings but IDK. I told her I was going to file on Mon and it has taken me awhile to get to my L. In the meantime she doesn't want to wait for me and file herself. Not looking good.

Here is an innovative person who used an extreme DB strategy. She is very inspirational. I took a cue from her and tried some things today.

www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1


I normally wake up after my wife and get the kids ready, clothes, teeth, beds made, small breakfast, tv and then the kids kiss me goodbye as W leaves for work.

My 180 was to get up 15 mins before her. Shower before her.

Told her I had things to do in town and put boxers on instead of briefs (180...I only own 2 boxers).

I changed my shirt 3 times and she made a comment but I said the 1st one was too big and the 2nd one was too long.

I shaved.

Wife noticed I was dark with a slight sunburn. I had nagged her about tanning both at home and salons at the same time (my sister died of cancer). My 180 is that I am a stay at home dad and have lots of access to the sun. So I started tanning in our backyard. 4 days this week, last day a little too long and got burnt. But I told W when I took the kids swimming yesterday I must have got to much sun.

I have dark blonde hair so I had it lightened days ago. I told the lady who did it to make it natural. By the time my W asked if I had done something to my hair I had to tell her it was days ago which was true.

I got out the cologne I used to wear to work everyday two years ago. My W never liked the smell of it. I waited until she left the bathroom then gave a quirt of it on me. So it looked like I was trying to be sly when I know she always mentioned she could smell it before.

I still made our bed, the kids bed, and got them ready in no time at all. She asked if I was leaving "right now?" and I said in a little bit. She asked "where to" and I said I had errands to run.

She initiated that she was in our email sent file and saw that I had asked days ago about her extra email account that she set up for work. I told her I knew it was for the job ads she had placed in the paper to hire new people. She asked if my snitch at her work told her and I said no you did awhile back , I just forgot. I went down to kiss the kids goodbye but before I left I said to her, and I have to get my bike that I left in town yesterday too. And closed the door so she couldn't ask any questions. I had taken my bike in for a tune up. I just went to Starbucks, but it was the impression that I was excited to go somewhere and that my bike may be at someone's house.

Dropped of the D paperwork with my L and found out my wife DID NOT FILE! Her L did a courtesy call to my L just saying not to serve any papers with the Sheriff. My L fudged and I was not happy about it. He is trigger happy aggressive!

My snitch says W was in a big hissy-fit when she arrived to work this morning and had a closed door meeting with her boss. She also told my snitch that she could not go home early since my W had a hair appointment. This is the same W that left the house at 7 am yesterday and did not get home until 8:30 pm (and went to work at 8pm-11pm on Sat nite) because she is SO busy. She got to see her kids 30 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes last night.

I did have a guy friend come over to the house on Wed. I never EVER have anyone over. You would have thought I touched a hot red poker to her. She was mad. She even questioned who he was to him. He said he was in my class for 7 years. W said I KNOW everyone in his Senior class and don't remember your name. He said from 5th-11th grade we were in the same class and he moved to another school his senior year (all true). She stormed off.

And I got a nasty email from W's father saying I was trying to get him to turn against his daughter and how gullible I am. I just said I was hurting, needed some compassion and was trusting not gullible and I picked the wrong person to vent to.

Another day in the life...

WOW! I just found out Michelle W-D is ALL over YOUTUBE! It's Great!