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Very good. Let us know what she says.

Puppy

Beginning,

I would be a little apprehensive about living in the same house with a 'roomate' status. Remember what it was like to live in the same house and her not wanting to work on the M. This has the potential to create that kind of situation again.

Personally, I wouldn't move in with my W unless she showed signs of being committed to working on the marriage, we had progressed our relationship to a point where it was working and we were being like a couple again, she would be sleeping in the same bed as me, I could see definite evidence in her that she has taken care of the issues she has that contributed to the deterioration of the original M.

How old are your kids? Are they at an age where living together in a roomate setup would confuse or hurt them?

The other thing I would want to know if I was going to reconcile with my W would be she is totally committed to going the distance. I don't want to put my kids through the same tension/moving out a second time.

What are you intentions in having her move back in? I know you say it's financial, with a hope of reconciliation. It seems you both need to be brutally honest about what you see happening with her in the house. Transparency in all areas creates the healthiest relationships. Especially in the emotional.

Why not, "W, I know we've been more affectionate these past few weeks than we have been in a long time. We ML for the first time in two years. We are talking about you moving back in the house. My mind is starting to move in a direction of possible reconciliation but I don't want to walk on eggshells, or even worse, get into trying to 'mind read' your intentions. I have learned being straight up and talking about it is the healthiest way for me to be so I want to ask you what your intentions are. Are you thinking about reconciliation or are you just moving back into the house with no desire to reconcile?"

Or something along those lines. If you won't move back in together if she isn't going to attempt reconciliation don't tell her that. It could affect her answer. Remember, they've lied before to get what they want. If she tells you she doesn't want to reconcile then tell her you don't feel comfortable living together....or whatever your boundaries are.

Her recent affection may possibly to soften you up to her desire to move back in rather than an attempt at moving in a reconciliation direction.

Personally, I would need a lot of questions answered and she would have to jump through a lot of hoops for me to even consider living together again.

Remember where impatience got you before. Stop trying to not be impatient and do it.

PERFECT!!!




Puppy

Thanks Steady! I do like the above alot and I can see this working in a very non-threatening way to her.

I am apprehensive about living in the same house again, especially if it brings back the tension that we once had. However, I also see it as an opportunity to further the progress down the road to reconcilliation. I am in a different place than I was 2 years ago (or even 1 year ago for that matter.) If the tension starts to rise again to where it was before once she moves back in, then I am prepared to tell her that this is not working and just making things worse and that she needs to start looking for her own place to live. Before I had the mentality of just staying the course and dealing with the unpleasantness. I'm not there anymore.

Our girls are 13 and 12. They have really adjusted well to everything and I think they see their Mom and I as a team still in raising them. We have been very successful in co-parenting and there has not been one instance in the past 2 years where either one of us "used" the girls against each other, or kept them from seeing either of us. We have encouraged them to ask questions along the way about anything regarding our situation and to let us know if they concerns.

I guess I see this situation of living together once again as first and foremost a final chance to save the M and secondly (if reconcilliation does not occur) an opportunity to get a little bit stronger financially before we permanently dissolve the marriage.

BA

I didn't use this 'direct' approach I posted above through my sitch. I was way too worried about 'rocking the boat', but I won't make that mistake again in any future R's. I'm actually doing it right now with my STBXW - although she doesn't care for it much (because it's mostly calling her on her crap) it's unbelievably liberating and freeing for me - I'm not going to hide myself anymore. From anyone.

When you look at it, being totally straight up and speaking your mind shows the person exactly who you are and where you're at in that moment. If someone doesn't like it, then they're not for me.

So the quote above shows your position. I would want this clarified before she moved in. I'd want to know what her expectations are and I would want to be very clear about telling her what my expectations are. It's the unspoken expectations which lead to a great deal of confusion, hurt feelings, etc...

I'd want it ALL laid right out on the table. Then look at it and see if it's acceptable. If not, take a pass.

BA-

This is EXCITING! Sure, there's plenty to be apprehensive about, but ML is a *good* sign, IMO. It didn't have to get to that point, after all.

You've been patient, smart, and reflective for two long years - just keep doing that! See what happens...

I'll be sending good wishes your way.

Best,
Mrs. A

Hey Mrs. A - good to hear from you. Was wondering where you went. Good luck in your court hearing this week - the 28th, right?

Yes it is a step in the right direction. I suspect that this process is going to be at times excrutiatingly slow and may not even end up with a R - it is very iffy at this point. W is continuing to make plans to move back in with me, however she will be occupying a separate bedroom.

This weekend was okay - nothing stellar. We spent most of it together as a family, but I can tell W is trying to keep the time we are spending together as friendly but not intimate (if that makes sense). We did go out Saturday night together to play poker at a friends house and had a pretty good time there.

Lately, whenever we are together amongst people, W puts forward the impression to people that we are together and not separated. For instance, we have met a couple of our new neighbors and W talks about what "we" want to do with the house to make it better, how "we" are happy to be in the neighborhood, etc. I continue to just act "as if" and enjoy the extra time that I get to have with our girls since we are all together more now than separate.

I did have the conversation with her regarding the "new" credit card. Conversation went something like this:

Me: W, there was a debit against our checking account from Capital One, do you have one of their credit cards?

W: Yes. I actually got it some time ago and have never used it until recently, it was actually used to buy something for you so that you couldn't see what it was.

Me: Okay - just wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake and we were paying for someone else's card.

And that was that. Now I am not sure she has bought something for me and has yet to give it to me or if it was for my garmin that she got me for Father's day. I was sure I saw the Garmin charge listed on our other statement, but since I just moved into this new house, all of my old statements are packed away in a box still. Anyway, I'm not going to press the issue anymore. She knows I'm aware that she has it now and currently the only way for it to be paid is through our checking account so I will see any future use as well, at least for now.

I still need to have a discussion with her regarding whether she is actually interested in pursuing a reconcilliation once she moves in. The timing just wasn't right this weekend to have that discussion. She won't be moving in until late September so there is plenty of time still to discuss this.

BA

Think of this as if you are holding a tiny ember, this ember is barely burning but you are carrying it over to your fire pit to start your fire. You will need to be very careful with it. You will need to gently blow on it and help the ember burst into a small flame. You do not want to throw water on it or blow too hard to exstinquish it. It is a very delicate process.

So to is what your are trying to rebuild. You are correct that it will be a slow process, and just like the rest of life it will have its ups and downs. Just be careful in what you are doing, keep your expectations low and start trying to change that small ember into a roaring fire.

Smells fishy to me. Can you access your other statement online, to see if the Garmin charge was on there?


Puppy