Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Pretty sure its a MLC, now what?

Yeah, I hear you guys...but with a 'pout face' on. Which I guess only shows that I do need more work on myself as an individual. And me and my new friend are both very vulnerable as he finds himself in a very similar situation.

But your responses (and reading some of the recent posts on MHL's thread) bring up further questions. When looking more closely at who I am, I know that I am a relational person, I like doing life with others. So yes, I can spend more time with my friends and what not, but what about when it comes to wanting more than that? How long am I supposed to deny myself that more intense relationship and wait on H?

Lala - only YOU can answer this question. Only you.

The short answer is when you do not qualify your choice with a BUT.

Lala this is a process and I could tell about what you will go through

BUT

That would spoil the fun.

Read my thread if you're curious.

You will know when you come to a point that moving forward may be without your H.

As I said earlier, you are just starting this process. It might be helpful to read again the stages of LBS links OP gave at the beginning of your thread.

I am going to say the same thing to you as I would my D. First off, b/c of your age you have a biological drive (as do the rest of us, but it does change over time), and you need to think with you head, not just your body and urges. Yes, if memory serves (and it does, quite well), I know how tough this can be. Is it worth it? You have to judge that for yourself. It always has been for me.

Instead of thinking of it as denying yourself, you can take the time you need to be. Just be you. When you are good in your own skin, taking care of yourself and coming from a place of friendship and peace, then maybe you will be ready for something else.

My rule of thumb has always been to wait at least 1 month for every year I was with somebody before I started looking into anything else. It gives you time to adjust and learn somethings about yourself.

The thing you don't want to do is hurt someone else b/c you really aren't ready.

As far as how long you wait,remeber this is the man you couldn't see yourself living without. What's that worth to you in terms of time?

You have to decide.

Just my 2 cents.

HUGS

That one is going into my archive Grace...

I guess I'm struggling with the detachment idea. As I've mentioned before, I am trying to detach by thinking "He's just not that into you." but I feel like that is pushing me more away from the M than standing for it.

Another thought making me feel more like moving away than standing, is that my M as I knew it is over. That because of the changes that I need to make for me, and the process that H will go through, we will come out different on the other side which would provide a different M if it gets to that point.

Not too sure that I am communicating those thoughts appropriately, but any tips on how to adjust this?

Haha, and yes, Grace, I'm embracing my youngness in all of this! But I'm a good girl at heart so I'm not too worried about slipping up and making bad choices

Lala

I think everyone comes here and initially feels that by detaching you will "fall out of love" with your spouse. I know I had the same issues. What I guess I can say is this...

What is true love to you? If it is true and prue love than IMO you do not have to worry about "falling out of love".

True unconditional love IMO is loving that person no matter what.

You are hurt right now, your ego is a little bruised, you feel that you have been cast aside. You need that validation and well...your probably a little bit lonely. All reason WHY you should not look to involve someone else. Just saying..


Maybe he is not. Maybe he is and is just really confused and trying to figure his own shiz out. I don't know BUT it may make sense to just give you and he a little more time.


Yes your old M has to die. That does not mean that a new R cannot be formed. Really think about it for a sec... your right you will BOTH be different people. Different people who just may form a new R. Just may like who the other person has become. From what I have read...couples that do survive this come out A LOT stronger - so maybe...just maybe you and your H may fall into this category.

Look lala - I'm not gonna kid you. The thoughts/feelings that you are having are thoughts that many will not post here BUT THEY ARE NORMAL.

Take your time...learn about YOU...get to know YOU...and remember..if it is meant to be then it will be.

God Bless,
Eric

This totally jumped out at me. Standing does not mean standing for the "old" M. Acknowledging that your old M is over is good. You're right, it is. Gone. Done. Dead. Now, IMO, Grit is right (he's written a LOT about it) ... this process of self examination, really getting to know oneself and discovering your truth, your strength, your compassion, starts with Standing and evolves. The journey that the LBS takes is as important as the MLCer's journey, and we are just as vulnerable emotionally. The changes you talk about making for you ... start THERE. Protect your heart, do the work, and you'll know your own timeline as it unfolds. You do not have a crystal ball so don't go spending your time in the future, you will have a new R someday ... with your H, with someone else, whatever ... when you are ready for it, you will understand that it only compliments you, not completes you.

Detachment doesn't mean you stop loving someone, it means you are no longer emotionally invested in THEIR choices, actions, thoughts and words. I tried so many different tactics to detach ... and you know what, one day I just got it. It's his life. Did my H make a mistake? I believe so. Will he grow to regret his decision someday? I think eventually, maybe he will. But what I am comfortable with now, is my understanding that it's life, his choices, and his mistake to make. My happiness, sense of self worth and identity are no longer tied to my H. That's been the gift I've received on this journey. Think about it - there are people fighting illness, starving, who've litterally lost everything, been beaten, bruised and broken who, on a daily basis, CHOOSE to be happy. It comes from within. Stop giving that power to someone else. Own it. CHOOSE it.

Peace
PEI

Well said^^^^^
...and just to add...Your happiness, sense of self worth and identity are no longer tied to ANYONE else, including your H.

We are around the same age...I completely understand where you are coming from.. You are in a lot of pain...I am in a lot of pain. I made the mistake of getting into something. Did it feel good at first. Absolutely. Did I love the attention. Sure did. But after that newness wore off...I was left off where I started from...perhaps even further behind.

Another one of my reasons for getting involved so quickly- I think I wanted to prove to others around me that I was OK...that I can meet someone else...I am worthy of another man's attention. I am not broken. It didn't work.

PEI - Very, very well said. Especially the part about being no longer emotionally invested in their choices, thoughts, etc.

Lala - Denying ourself? You are much younger than me, therefore . . . well, anyway, I've longed believed that, for both men and women, there ain't nothin he/she can do I can't do for myself.

Grace - Remember this is the man you once couldn't live without?What is that worth invested in time? No time limit, if you believe the man you couldn't live without is still in there somewhere.

Lala - Yep, the old R is dead, long live the new R. I hope for you that you get the chance to live it. And if not, bigger and brighter things down the road just waiting.