Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Just found out she already filed

Ah yes, the Timberlake song is a good one! Did you send her the email yet?

So you're thinking you'd like to have a little party at school, why would that be difficult to suggest? Could you not do it with or without her? You just bring the cake, utensils, loot bags etc and do it. Tell her she's welcome to take part or not, it's up to her. Lots of kids do something at school for their birthdays! Asfor the joint party if you aren't comfortable with her or the other invitees then you're right , don't do it! I just sometimes think we get way too carried away with the idea of letting the WAS live with their choice, in an almost vengeful way, but it's hard to walk that line where you cut them out but are also there to co-parent together. What's best for our children? Tough choices! We each have to find our own comfort zone I guess.

One last thing, you wrote "It'll be tough to pretend we're a family in front of all the people." I understand that and can respect it but...you are family! No piece of paper can make or unmake your family. You have years and years together and a child you've raised and will continue to raise. You can choose to make it a supportive environment where you put aside your hurt and do what is best for your daughter, which is to have two supportive, loving parents who get along and can still show some caring towards each other. I tried to show my children how an adult behaves when things are going wrong and when we separated I wanted to show them that this is how adults handle hurt. I did not want them to see parents who couldn't be in the same room together or who carried their scars where everyone can see. I remember telling my kids "we are still a family, not the same kind of family as we were before but we are still family" this, of course, does not mean I spend time with wife outside of family time nor do I call her to share my personal news, but we still act as family when it's important to do so. Well, that ends my bottomless lecture and it's not meant to be critical of you in any way,it's just food for thought as you plan and try to navigate your way through this nightmare, and that's what it is. You've been through it twice now with this lady and my hat goes off to you.You're a strong man, Romeo!
Also, my opinions are my opinions and I'm sure many others would see things quite differently. That's OK, we each have to travel our own road. Maybe mine is all f@cked up, who knows!

wii, I don't have anyone else to turn to for advice so I really appreciate getting it from you and my other friends here.

Well in regard to the b.day party I was under the impression that STBXW will have a party for her and I was just going to hang up a few decorations at my house, do the cake cutting, give her a gift and maybe bring her to Legoland or something. But now it sounds like STBXW's washing her hands from it all? So I'm thinking how can I still have a party for DD and the best way seems to be at her school. So I guess my question is should simply state to STBXW that I'm setting up a b.day party for DD at her school and it'd be good if she could join. Or go into explaining to her that the reason I didn't want to do it together was because I thought she was throwing a party and inviting people that I didn't want to be around?

As for being the adult and handling the situation I think that will happen in a year or so perhaps but right now with all the legal mess, division of assets etc things have been fairly tense and I don't want her to think she can continue to live the Jackyl and Hyde life that she has been. Of course, I'll do anything for DD, she's all I've got. We're family when it comes to DD yes I agree with you 100% but the true meaning of family is no longer and yes we can cover it up by saying we're a different type of a family but I have a problem with teaching DD that it's OK to be this type of a family so that she grows up thinking divorced families are normal and fine. Just like STBXW grew up without a dad and while she resents him leaving her mom she thinks it's totally fine to grow up with just one parent. She says 'well I turned out OK' and I bite my tongue. And that's what our society has been teaching us 'it's OK, it's fine, this is normal' no wonder our divorce rate is so high.

Sol, sorry I missed your post. No I haven't sent her anything yet. Still trying to decide what to say and how to word it.

Just got an invoice from the lawyer...ugh! looks like they've run through most of the retainer amount already! and things haven't really even begun, grrr!! at $350/hr $5k disappear like it's nothing.

"I have a problem with teaching DD that it's OK to be this type of a family so that she grows up thinking divorced families are normal and fine."

Do you want her to grow up feeling that her family is "wrong"? I don't think our kids need lessons on whether divorce is right or wrong anyway, they'll remember the pain for as long as they live and will KNOW there should be a better way. Our job is to help them recognize that we can and should make the best of what is left. That's not right or wrong, that just is!

That song by the Script is right on...."I got time while got you got freedom!" but you will get your freedom soon.

"I have a problem with teaching DD that it's OK to be this type of a family so that she grows up thinking divorced families are normal and fine."

I have had this thought many times. But I think we can send a message that although divorce was not what we wanted, we can pick ourselves up, make do with what we have, and be a family. I guess I agree with wii...I am in acceptance though but it could be due to the fact that I am dating. Maybe when I am not dating I will revert to your thoughts.

My boys' birthdays are 12 days apart and in the middle of summer. Our parties usually consist of my parents and brothers and their girlfriends.

They have a couple of friends over and we usually go to the pool and have cake and ice cream

why does there need to be a big party?

perhaps your ex is planning a party at some point as I am sure she would want to acknowledge your daughter's birthday but she just isn't telling you all the big plans

I guess I don't understand where your dilemna is...

you weren't going to invite her to the hanging of the banners and to legoland...why would you assume she would share any of the birthday plans she may or may not have made with you

and

be careful of becoming the Disney dad and giving your daughter everything she asks for...