Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Puppy Advice

Until you can understand a very basic human principle you are going to forever trying to find some magic way to get him back..

That principle is that you should be REJECTING a man who doesn't treat you right and walks away from you. This is the same for men as it is for women. It shows low self esteem to keep trying to get a person to come back to you that says and shows they want out.

THAT type of self esteem is what is POSSIBLY the beginning of getting them back. START THERE... Instead of asking us things like you keep asking, you should be sayin "I don't want to be with ANY man who doesn't want me and show me he wants me"..

That is your key. Other things are just smoke and mirrors. It won't win him back if you can't reject his actions with an attitude of "I can and will do better." AND THEN FOLLOW UP AND DO JUST THAT

I disagree ... somewhat. FWAWs speak often of wanting their passive husbands to have FOUGHT for them, instead of rolling over. "How important could I BE to him, if he's not willing to fight for me?" they say.

I do believe that your basic "push/pull" dynamic is a universal truth, and it WORKS, however.

I advocate a version of Harley's "Plan A/Plan B" approach, where you FIRST stand and fight for the marriage, including aggressively fighting to bust any affairs, and THEN -- when you've had enough -- you do the "Letting go" thing, possibly even filing for divorce.

No two people are alike in how long they can "hold out," and different wayward spouses are going to react differently to how long they perceive "holding out" as just your fear and passivity, and lot of it depends on how you carry yourself thru the whole thing. For me, it was less than 2 months between discovery of my wife's affair and letting her go, but I spent that two months VERY MUCH fighting for my marriage and my family, with everything I had.

Puppy

There may be a confusion between interdependent and codependent. I don't think trying to exert control over someone else has any place in a healthy adult relationship.

It's one thing to give your input and then accept the person may not follow your advice/input. It's another thing to 'punish' someone for not doing it. A healthy adult knows how to agree to disagree.


Not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean putting your H and M first in front of your own mental and emotional health?

so i know how i contributed to the breakdown of my m. i've been here long enough and worked with the vets on that part.


I don't think that's what I said at all. I'm wondering how you came to that conclusion based on what I wrote.


I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to make yourself an independent, healthy, happy, self-fulfilled woman with a life you enjoy. When you get that down you'll attract a man who will share that with you. When you're there, you won't have to 'become' something else in order to attract someone. You will be attractive. Period.

I'm in my mid forties and that's what I'm focusing on. Get your inner life together, keep working on making yourself the best person you can be. Your outer world will be a reflection of your inner world.

I agree with this. I fought like hell for my M in the beginning. I jumped through all the hoops. Made the changes. Put my issues on the table in MC. She didn't.

Once she said she didn't want to try any more, I went plan B and worked my butt off to let go. That's where my focus went. How unattractive to chase someone who clearly states they do not want me.

I did that once in HS. My girlfriend started to get involved with another guy. I approached him and asked him to back off. Basically pushed her back into an R with me. The first time we hung out I remember sitting there thinking, "WTF? This is ridiculous. I basically forced her to return to me." I got up, told her I made a mistake and left. I swore never to do that again.

I showed my W that she, my M and my family were important enough to me to fight. And fight I did, with everything I had.

But when it comes down to fighting her then what's the point?

I do think it's different when there's infidelity. If one goes with the basic premise that affairs are highly ADDICTIVE (and I do), then you have to rightly view your spouse as an ADDICT. With that as your model, I think it's reasonable to assume you would try and fight for them, and for the marriage, for some reasonable amount of time. At some point, that noble fight jumps the shark and becomes some combination of pathetic, emasculating and emotionally damaging, and you have to let them go, just as you would not allow a drowning person to pull you under with them.

Puppy

I wish I could tattoo this on my inner eyelids...

There are women here who have turned their sitch around, me included. I decided I didn't want a man who would treat me with disrespect and sent him packing. No contact other than business matters. We don't have children either so that's not a reason BF came back. When I let him go and moved on he realized I was serious and that he blew it.

Several people I respect have given you sound advice, yet you still complain that there's nothing about/for women specifically. It seems to me that you're looking for someone to tell you exactly what to do to make your H see the error of his ways and come running home.

There are no guarantees. Some people save their Rs, some people don't. The successful DBer is someone who has recognized their faults and mistakes, works hard at improving her/himself and does things to make her/himself happy so that the next R is a good one.

Drop the rope (no, you really haven't) and stop worrying about why H does anything. Do the work on yourself and make yourself happy.

this thread is full of gems like that.

thanks puppy.

i have to say this board has been very helpful for me.
it has allowed me to be crazy at times.
but it has also allowed me to explore my own issues.
i don't know how it happened, but it did.

i am by no means out of the woods. i have learned to work on myself, make my list of goals and attack them.

i created a list back in april. i have accomplished 80% of them already. i am building a new list for the fall.

i have realized that my m was somewhat like a prison for me. it often felt my needs came last. now that i am on my own, i have been able to go out and do things that make me a happier person.

you left out a critical component to what makes a woman attractive. and that is their smile.

my first task by the vets was to smile. that's it.
smile at someone. anyone. and observe the feedback.
i smile a lot more now. for the first 4 months, i was a walking zombie. and ever since i started smiling, heads started to turn.

steady - your last bit of advice was good. i work on me to put my best person forward. mine starts with a smile and a good attitude. cute shorts doesn't hurt either.

gucci, pdt - i have to really try and tell myself that i deserve better than this. i want someone who wants to be with me. not someone who just says that there will always be a special place in their heart for me. those are just words. show me that you want me. otherwise, see ya. my life isn't that bad right now. it'd be nice if there was someone to share my journey with.

one of the things i have been working on is to stop looking for the smoking gun, the magic solution, the one thing.
when i do, the rollercoaster ride is on a downward plunge.
it may not seem like it, but i've actually gotten a lot better than before.

the more reason to drop the rope? for my own sanity.

LOL. Cute shorts. So true. They'll notice your inner beauty later.