Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

I am starting a new post to move from my Newbie thread found at:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...413#Post1858413

For those of you who have followed my sitch, it has been a long battle the past 2 years when my life and marriage fell apart, only to find that we were the victim of H's depression and ADD gone terribly wrong (read page 1 from original post above for summary). We are still separate and unfortunately far from reconciliation, but H has come a long way and has actually sought helped for these issues (most recently getting a tonsilectomy to cure his ADD), so now we're in the waiting game to see if it is enough to "cure" H and let him be able to see the beauty of life and his family again. Unfortunatley, the newest setback was a discovery of an OW3 last week, which with who H had an inappropriate R with by texting and calling with her at all hours day and night. That destroyed me when I thought we were making so much progress, but I have found my strength again and am back here to fight...

Newest updates for the week - It's been unbelievably hectic! I've been working 12 hour shifts the last few days just trying to get these reports out. If I can just get thru this week, I might survive!

The H front has been really tricky. I have still not initiated any texts, but H has been texting like crazy. I picked and chose the ones I responded to, but still tried to avoid being his conversational buddy, & tried to keep any texts short and quick. He asked me to lunch today to show me the new place they are looking at getting. I was tricky with the way I answered, that yes I would like to b/c I really want to see the place they are looking at. I think H picked up on that b/c he must have asked me to confirm lunch like 3 or 4 times over the past few days. Finally today comes and it turns out that this place wasn't open for lunch during the week, but asked if I still wanted to. I agreed. He bought me lunch and we talked about alot of things - mostly about the new place, S, and a little about us. He said for us, that he felt like I ruined him and how he could never be nor ever wanted to be married or in a serious R again. (I think he's being a little over dramtic like normal about that). My response - that's his choice, but he's missing out. He gave me some compliments like how I was the most trustworthy person he's ever known, but that I just stress him out too much (I pointed out that i was also the one to help relieve a lot of stress by helping him deal with all his issues - which he agreed). Another thing to note, he said that after I finished with this big project, I should take a day off and WE could take S out somewhere (this is something I had wanted to do before I learned of OW3). I just told him, "yeah, maybe" b/c I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I'm little torn b/c I want S to have a family and family time, but if we are not together, then will it just be confusing for him then? On the otherhand, this is the only life he has ever known - H has never lived with him nor ever will. I mentioned something about S not having a family, in which H responded "he'll be fine". I didn't say this but I should have - fine, in the sense of being thrown between two lives for the rest of his life going from house to house and divided holidays, possibly step parents and step siblings - yeah, sounds real great for him...

Finally to note, H tried to get firty with me, so I laid it out (but on the light side). I said I need 4 things from him 1)love 2)committment 3) food (our inside joke about always keeping me fed so I don't get grouchy) and then we can get to 4) sex. His comment, well, i did one of them (#3 - buying me lunch). Sorry! Not enough! I've really got to stick to my guns about 1 and 2 (particularly #2) by having complete committment to me and only me and no more OW's! Period. It's easy to type, but H is so good about wooing me. I haven't checked the logs, but I doubt he's stopped talking to OW3. On the other hand, he has been texting me alot, but it may just be b/c he sees that I'm slipping from his control.

So I don't know, I really don't know what to make of it all. It sounded so (well relatively) simple - H had OW3, didn't choose me,therefore end of our R = D train. Then he comes back & tries to jump back in my life again. I'm just getting tired of the games. I know he's still greatly struggling with his issues, but that can't be an excuse forever. Some day, he just needs to step it up and be a man. So I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to continue with going dim, but I'm still trying to decide what level of firmness to go with H. Hmmm....

At least he is trying. When you say you want it to be over, he comes rushing in and tries to still be in your life. To me, that is good progress. He still has a lot of issues, but he still wants to be with you, I think. He says he doesn't, but besides OW3, his actions are saying a completely different story. That is good for you!

I say keep being dark and sticking to your four things. It is very important because he does "need" you and does find you attractive, but you have to stick to it so he learns as his brain heals that he has to do more. Keep detaching and just moving on with life. Make him come to you, and possibly use how busy you are to say "no" to any suggestion he has. I like that you don't respond to everything.

Although the light is dim, I think there is still hope in this situation so don't file or anything yet, but make sure you are distancing yourself and preparing yourself in case the worst does happen.

Continue to draw him to you through being mysterious and more desirable until he realizes you are the one he wants again forever.

Sorry, something in the first post caught my eye. He had a tonsillectomy to cure his ADD. Why? How does that work?

CTH - A little of a mistype there. The tonsilectomy cures the sleep apnea which improves the ADD. H has always had ADD but it's just been in overdrive the last few years, so the pychiatrist had told H, that he thought fixing his sleep apnea thru the tonsillectomy would therefore greatly improve his brain function (restoring oxygen) and therefore greatly improve is ADD (but not actually a cure tho). Now it's a wait and see game since it takes awhile for your brain to recover.

So it's been an interesting yet kind of disappointing weekend. I have continued to try to live my own life and come off as detached with H, but haven't done quite as well the last 2 days. So Thursday night, I get a text from H saying he's going crazy again (I'm already asleep). A few hours later (2am), I get a text that he had punched holes thru his wall. What?! I'm trying to figure out what's going on and trying to make sure he's stable again, only to find out this had actually happened several hours ago. He had gone out with his uncle and something had enraged him and beat up the wall (improvement over last year b/c at least the wall is an inanimate object). So everything is fine now (if you can call it that), so I go back to sleep. The next morning, my alarm goes off, and I'm laying in bed for a few extra minutes and H calls me! Basically that call was all about me - how he wants to do this and that for me, how me wants to get me a spa day b/c "I deserve it", how he wants to take me on a trip next month (cruise or vegas - but I can't do vegas anymore w/ him after the OW2 incident), and how he wants to take me out and basically show me off. I totally fell for it all. We make plans to hang out last night b/c he wanted to take me to the new place they're looking at buying. Last night went good. We checked out the place (which is actually nicer than I had thought it would be) and had some good us time.

Today, I got up with S and we had a fun day in the kiddie pool (H got up eventually and finally joined us). I had wanted to talk to him about us to make sure we we're on the same page, so I finally took the chance to before he left. I started with "are we dating exclusively now?" (back to his analogy about us being like b/f g/f right now until this all works it way out) We went back and forth but basically it came down to him saying that he can't commit to me right now b/c he's still crazy (as evidence by the wall incident)and needs to work on himself and getting his own life going first (ie - new place). I agree with that yes, but my comment was that I need to know if he wants to be talking to other people or not (& if that's what he wants, then he's not talking to me) b/c I don't want to get hurt again. He avoids it by saying how he talks to a lot of people and how b/c he's in the bar business, it's just different. It just didn't give me a very settled feeling. We had also talked about how he's been in a down place recently as he said started 4th of july weekend (including me pissing him off) Whoa! Stop right there. I let him know I had every right to call him out. So, I don't know, it's just all kind of weird right now. H also talked alot about future things, like us living here or there and doing this or that (like years in the furute) So it's like he wants to be with me, but just can't commit, but continues to hold onto his issues as the excuse. It's hard, b/c that's definitely true, but I feel like it's putting me into a very dangerous place emotionally as I "wait" for him to get better. I just feel very annoyed now but his lack of commitment to me, especially after all the things he said yesterday morning. Confused too... =/

I forgot to mention that he also talked about blocking me from the master phone plan & I told him that he better not b/c he should have nothing to hide (I have not been looking anyways for my own sake, but that would just come down to the principle of the matter! He can't be open with me, then no go!) Also, in regards to him being mad about me calling him out, he didn't respond to my right or not of that, but just said that it still made him upset (k, everyone has a right to feel their own emotions, but don't any try to put off his bad week/b-day on me b/c of his bad choices!) I stood up somewhat to H and am getting better at that than I used to be, but I just feel like he still walks on me a lot. =/

Just tread very very carefully because he can plan for the future all he wants (my H still talked about going to disney as a family and the house like he lives here still), but it is the actions that matter. Make sure you don't let him woo you into allowing non-commitment.

On the other hand, I do think he has been making progress and is trying some so there is a glimmer of hope, but tread carefully.

That's a good point. He has made progress and continues to make progress. I was so annoyed by the non-commitment thing, I had almost blocked out the one important thing he did say. When saying why he could commit he said "but I do love you and I do love S". Major for him - I haven't head the "L" word in over 2 years. Usually, it's "I care for you but...". Yes, it's not ILY, but it is a step. Also, he said that no matter what happens, he'll take care of me and he'll take care of S financially (big step, even just to say b/c of his previous threat of if I file for child support, he would file for alimony. L completely shot that down as impossible, but that was his attitude).

Ok, I did something I was trying to avoid - I just checked the phone records. I needed to know how naive I was being. I'm a fool for thinking for even one moment that anything had changed. Still talking/texting with OW3 with a furry! Sigh... I'm not realy affected by it b/c deep down I already new, but I needed to see that. Time to get my butt into gear and set and keep those boundaries! It's hard b/c he is sucha good talker, but I just need to keep reminding myself that I don't deserve that kind of treatment. What a jerk!

I sent H a text that night not saying that I was spying on him, but just a firm reminder/clarification of my stance of me being the only woman in his life or I'm not going to be in it at all. His only response is "where is this coming from?", which I never responded to. On sunday, he sent me a text in the morning & I ignored it, then later that evening, he sent me the chinese horoscopes for our years (he is the year of the rooster and I'm the year of the pig). I obviously don't believe in that stuff but more just to read it for the entertainment purposes. It was so weird tho. It was spot on to our personalities saying H hard to live with, egotistical, blunt, aggression gets in the way of romance, put careers first, showy, and list went on and on. Totally H! It described me as more super loyal, but sometimes get taken advantage of (gullible) b/c they are so giving to others, just want to keep the peace, are trusting, and like to eat. Totally me! Then it talked about love mates and said with the pig-rooster mate "even though you disagree on a few things, if you try to make it work, it will be great". I don't know what H's point is with sending me this, but I just responded how interesting how spot on they were. H agreed, but then said, "hey, but mine is negative". Shoot, the truth hurts buddy. He tried to continue talking with me but I was short and just kept closing it down. I don't know what his deal is? I'm making it perfectly clear that there will be no OW or no me, but he just keeps trying to move on like everything is ok. No it's not, until he has gotten rid of all OWs!!! Ug, so annoyed by him!