Ha ha...had to laugh when I read NOOB since that's a term I hear from the kids all the time.
Well, I imagine you're feeling kinda let down considering you were thinking you would have some sort of satisfaction of at least getting to call her on her crap tonight... I know how hard it is to sit around and not be able to really say/do anything if they won't play along. lol
But the longer I go without addressing the concern (with legal footing) the longer I have no respectability.
I disagree. Why not?
From my personal archives:
On “having a plan,” and “The Schmuck Factor”:
I think you let her know that you are here for her when she is ready to do the work necessary. She clearly isn't ready to do that right now.
It would convey weakness if you were to be supplicating towards her while she was still actively cheating on you, and disrespecting her boundaries. Letting her know that you are willing to suck it up, forgive, love unconditionally and do the hard work of reconciliation -- when she is ready -- does NOT convey weakness, it conveys character and strength.
Many, many people confuse "unconditional love" with "doormat-without-boundaries." It is entirely possible -- and NECESSARY -- to demonstrate unconditional love and forgiveness, within a framework of healthy boundaries.
Do you not love a child unconditionally, while at the same time not allowing them to use obscenity when speaking to you? Do you not love a spouse, while simultaneously not allowing them to berate you in front of another couple?
Those are just two silly examples, but I think this is where you're getting hung up. Us men have a REALLLLL hard time with the whole "schmuck factor" thing, and it really rears its head when there is infidelity involved. We don't like to be made a fool. But if your "standing" for your marriage is PART OF A PLAN -- YOUR plan -- then who's the schmuck here? You take a position of "Yes, I am, at the moment, deciding to stand for my marriage, even though my wife is having an affair and is refusing to admit it and work at the marriage, but I have made this choice to do this FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, and I will hold out as long as I can, all the while trying to lay out and enforce healthy boundaries for me and my children. My wife is an adult, I cannot control her, and I'm praying that she comes to her senses soon, before my love for her fully runs out, but I can hold on for "x" months and I will do so, to the best of my ability. This is MY decision, this is MY stand, and I am doing it with boundaries, legal/financial protections for me and my kids, and for a finite period (uncommunicated to spouse -- just tell her "I won't wait forever") of time."
My wife asked me both during -- and after -- her affair, why I was fighting for her. Why I hadn't kicked her out immediately. I told her:
- because I took a wedding vow, before God, and I took that very seriously. It was not "for better or for better yet," it was "for better or for WORSE";
- because I loved her, and we had a lot of shared history together;
- because I didn't want to demonstrate to our four children that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand and fight for what is important to you, for as long as you can, to the best of your ability;
- because if the situation were reversed, and I had say a gambling or alcohol addiction, I would hope that she would do the same and fight for ME;
- and because I didn't want to go to my death bed with REGRETS, that I should have tried harder. If I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact.
When you lay out (and maybe even write down), what YOUR OWN reasons are, and give yourself an internal deadline (6 months, one year, whatever) . . . then I think, as a man, we can feel like WE are executing a plan, and that we're not being a "schmuck."
I agree and I believe you and I discussed this quote before and it DOES fit my intention, even after the A is confirmed.
However, other than me expecting her BFF to pass on my exposure was out of love (that was dwindling); AND telling her that WE should be discussing this NOT W and BFF; I still haven't TOLD her where I stand here.
W didn't come home with D. Just as I was going to text "It's 9 pm. You said you were coming home"
I get "Did she nap? Right after her bath she wanted her movies"
I said "We had a really fun, outdoors weekend, She napped two hours each day. She SHOULD be tired, She's two"
Well, she's asleep NOW!
I send "So You'll be staying at (SIL's name). Call the daycare and let them know you'll be dropping her earlier'
"I did. And now I have a "meeting" in the morning.
(My first thought/hope? The owner would like to see them)
OM's STBXW saw no sign of OM at SIL's. I decide I'm going to recharge the GPS. Find the camera. Download several nice "evidence peices". Worst news? Her COUSIN (aunt's son) is in the pictures. I wonder what lies she told him to get access to his jet-ski?
AND I FOUND HIS TRUCK at SIL's. He must have arrived later. Fantasy Island again. Getting sick of the level of disregard for D.
Now, I HAVE to expose to mom and aunt. BOTH in person. THIS WEEK!!!
I need to hear the lies being told.
I need to tell the truth.
Anger and depression.
Briefly thought "Why bother? I'm hurt enough. I don't think I can get past this? It's too much"
Then I realized that THIS isn't my W. This is an addict and if I abandon her (regardless of the final outcome) then my sense of "right" and "commitment" and "follow though" for my D is lacking.
And I won't do that to D.
Again, I also read on another thread that 'sometimes, you just have to decide to be happy'.
But quitting may make me happier sooner, but at what cost?
But if I don't get my chit together at work, I'm going to start fearing I'll lose that, too.
Others, can pull it off, but it's EXTREMELY difficult on them.
It is a rare, rare few -- maybe 25% of the 10% who can even do this -- that can do so dispassionately, like they can get into "game mode" without it affecting them emotionally (or even physically).
There is no shame in admitting you're part of the middle group. I was. I needed anti-anxiety/anti-depressants just to get thru it (which are NOT a bad idea, btw). But you do have to minimize all of the superfluous "drama" which is why I've been trying to get you to keep this NARROWED to the task at hand.
Keeping your daughter from returning home was a TEST, on Day 1 post-confront, and you failed it. Not a huge deal -- you can get back up on the horse today -- but you do need to let her know that you'll BOTH need to stick to what's been agreed when it comes to your daughter. "She's tired; she fell asleep" is not a sufficient excuse.
If you don't think you can "come across as the calmest, most reasonable guy in the room" when talking to her mom and aunt, then put off talking to them until you can. Nothing wrong with that. TRUTH is something that can be told at ANY time.
Bottom line: you need to focus on right now, in order:
1. Your daughter.
2. Your own moves.
3. Your interactions with your wife. (Learn to draw and enforce boundaries, without angry outbursts, and co-parent civilly).
Who's seen-whose-truck-where is way down the list.
