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I missed that because I assumed that was an understood distinction. I realize that I (and many others here) haven't been thinking clearly recently and it would seem that we would do anything short of felonies to get our spouses back, but I am NOT in that place any more (if I ever was).

I apologize if I seem thick. I will NOT compromise my values/integrity for anyone.

Thanks for hanging in there with me Pup!

BTW, forgot to add that I sent the reply just as you suggested. Should be an interesting day tomorrow when we have to see each other after work.

No, I'm not worried about her being mad, I am the one that should be mad, but I am more disappointed than anything.

Well, here is the email correspondance so far:

W:
As for what I said, it is an accurate statement. Please call me or answer when
I call, if you can't talk to me face to face please just talk to me.

My response (yes I sent it for better or worse...)
Well, I was not aware you had called. I unplugged the phone this evening to stop hearing all the bill collectors.

As for what you said, accurate in your mind or not, remember I have read some of your correspondance with this person and it is NOT "just friends".

If you want to talk face to face, I will be home tomorrow evening at either 6 or 7 (depending on if I can come back to the xxx early to finish some work or not)."





Looks like tomorrow might get interesting...

I know that you said go DIM, and I did, but she is going to be here anyway so there's no real way to get out of this due to prior obligations.

Any input?

*SIGH*

Well, where to start...

She was here when I got home and I was calm, upbeat and joking with my S. Then we went to pick up my D from work (all 3 of us) and I sat in the back and she drove with my S up front.

When we got back I had to cook dinner for the kids and invited her to eat also. After dinner, I asked her to come outside to talk.

We went out and she said that she at least wants our friendship back. I told her that unless she completely cuts the OM out of her life (close Fb, change phone #, complete transparency for BOTH OF US, etc) that there would be nothing. I told her that I would remain civil and we would have to get along to deal with the kids, finances, etc.

She said she couldn't completely cut OM out since they were NOW just good friends. So I said, "Well, there's your answer. You care about his "friendship" more than our marriage".

I know I was supposed to just drop the boudary then exit, but it was really not possible at the time.

We agreed to stay civil and agreed to joint custody. I also told her that she needs to relook at her relationship with the kids. They have both come to me seperately recently saying that she ignores them and is way to argumentative. She took it pretty well, no defensiveness and said she would work on it.

I guess, as of this point in time, we are still status quo and she is still wanting to move on.

I am proud of myself for staying calm and basically upbeat. I really feel like I have dropped the rope now. I told her that the marriage was dead and I fully own up to my part in killing it (as did she) and that I was letting her go (yes, I know actions speak louder than words, but I really mean it).

I really thank everyone here that has chimed in in getting me to this peaceful place. I will be OK and the kids and I will survive all of this and come out the other side a little scratched and bruised, but stronger and closer for it.

I know this was NOT textbook DB, but I feel like it was the best approach for me.

Thanks!

Actually, Nav, you did damned good. I'm proud to know ya.

Especially "I can't be friends with you" part. I know that wasn't easy, but it was necessary. I had to tell my wife the same thing. That if she chose to end our marriage this way -- by cutting and running, having an affair, and then lying to everyone about it -- that I had absolutely no intention of being her friend, much less her BEST friend, because friends don't treat each other that way. However, if she chose to end her affair, and end all contact, and come back and work on the marriage (incl. MCing) for some period of time, say one year ... and if that doesn't work out then ... then yeah, we could probably be friends.

That -- she told me when we reconciled -- was what shook her up more than anything. She told me she missed our friendship, and what I had said to her made a big difference.

This probably won't make you feel any better right now, but you DO realize that at least you have some CLARITY here now. I mean, if this WERE "just a friendship," do you REALLY think she'd be ending her marriage, and giving up 50% of her time with her kids over it??

Nope ... she's in DEEP, alright.

Puppy

I'm really glad you took up for your kids here, Nav. I'd encourage you to keep a close eye on this, because they're going to need the both of you now, more than ever. If she DOESN'T pick up her game here, maybe YOU will re-visit the custody issue (go for primary custody).

When are you going to tell them? Have you thought about what you're going to say? SHE needs to own this, that this is HER decision.

Puppy

Yeah, I think you did pretty darn good as well.

As long as she continues to lie to you about her "friendship" and you don't let her get away with that, and you are willing to let go completely, you are doing the right thing.

Don't chase somebody who is chasing somebody else. It just lowers everybody's opinion of you. You did fine.

Mr Navajo-
I will use "Mister" because what you did was spectacular and deserving of that level of respect.

Everything Puppy says is dead on. (I know, it's like saying the sun is bright and yellow)

I am going to use your handling of this as my inspiration and template since my day for this is Thursday.

Congratulations. I know it doesn't 'feel" like a win, but it is.

You have establsidhed you self-respect and dignity. You did the right thing and the right way.

THAT IS "Why we do it'

I second that!

Good show, olde chap!

Navajo
My heart goes out to you dude.
I have been legally separated from my wife for 5 months, joint custody with two girls 5 and 8.
I was on the internet the other night and for some strange reason just did a search on face book and low and behold my wife has recently signed up. She has contacted every single friend she had when we first met and dropped all contact with all of my our friends. My sister in law was her best friend and she hears nothing from her.
My wife has some 40 friends on face book….40 I also have noticed she has male friends she is contacting single males not sure . I have heard this is where people can go to re connect with old friends (wink) I have not been able to sleep for days. I have promised myself I will never again search her name on FD again.
How did you find out about your wife OM. I would think face book can’t be good.
My girls say all mom does at her house is text and web chat. My kids are young and they have picked all of that up…so smart.
Cheers
Stitch