I am sorry for the terrible loss you have suffered in a short time. I hope you will make a real effort to take exceptional good care of your own health. How is your mother doing since the passing of your dad and GM?
I can identify with living in the house with others. I think living with parents or in-laws is so very stressful on a couple....but especially if they have children! With all the stress around, it would be easy to reach that place of not feeling very "in love".
My suggestion would be to leave your W alone. Force her to be responsible for her own finances. If you help her....you are enabling her to live this sort of lifestyle. If your children need food, clothing, or anything at all....they can come home. This may not "feel" like it is the right thing to do, but as a WAW, I can tell you that she must experience this.
By leaving her alone, she will begin to miss you. If you pursue her whatsoever, it will push her away. I don't agree with enduring an open M...and the choice is yours...but I think she needed out from the depressing atmosphere she was in and that is why she thinks she's happy right now.....so I doubt any OM/A is going to last very long. She will see her children unhappy and she will begin to see the luster fade on this new found freedom.
But as I said, it is your choice in how you feel you can deal with the stitch. Some men want to wait it out, and some tell the W to end the A or he's filing for D. Just don't be too hasty in making life long decisions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My suggestion would be to leave your W alone. Force her to be responsible for her own finances. If you help her....you are enabling her to live this sort of lifestyle. If your children need food, clothing, or anything at all....they can come home. This may not "feel" like it is the right thing to do, but as a WAW, I can tell you that she must experience this.
A tiny bit of threadjacking, but I hope that's OK and maybe there's something in it for everyone. My apologies in advance.
Hi Sandi. This is a very interesting point you are bringing up. My w, who d-filed last June, moved next to her parents, is actually using the "independent survival" thing as a point of pride in wanting a divorce. Showing me and the world that she can make it on her own (shhhh! Her parents are next door to her, making dinners for her 4-5x a week, helping with our 16 month old son 3x daily, yard work, laundry, etc). She is not truly experiencing independence, but feels like she is and her pride gets reinforced daily by her parents.
Marooned, I wish I had something positive to give you. Whenever the parents on either side are involved to the point they are interfering in the M, that is a very serious problem. It is a very unwise parent who enables their child to break the bounds of M, but it happens all the time. Either the parents are selfish or too weak.
My advice for you is to stand your ground as your own man. Protect your child as best you can. Do nothing to financially enable your W living apart from you. Do not crumble under the verbal slaughter that her parents will probably say about you. However, do not take their disrepect, or hers, to your face. You do not have to endure any bad treatment. You need to keep your distance from them b/c right now they may be trying to encourage her to stay separated and the more you are around them, the worse it could become. Oh, and you could probably not make brownie points with them, so I wouldn't even attempt. They think they have their little girl back, right?
Unless something specific happens that will turn the W back to her own home, H/M......she will probably end up actually choosing between what her parents are encouraging and what you want for the two of you. An immature woman can make bad choices and I hope she will get her eyes open soon.
Is there an OM?
Except for your child, I believe in hard detaching. No contact with her or her parents. Never do anything that hints of pursuit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unless something specific happens that will turn the W back to her own home, H/M......she will probably end up actually choosing between what her parents are encouraging and what you want for the two of you. An immature woman can make bad choices and I hope she will get her eyes open soon.
Thanks Sandi. You are so on target with your analysis. She has clearly already chosen her parents over me: they deliver all of her needs and ask for nothing in return.
There's no OM involved. My w is completely and totally wrapped up in spending her time with MIL. She even started dressing like MIL recently--an unusual combination of a light dress on top of a turtleneck or long-sleeve shirt, which she never wore until just recently but which has been MIL's trademark look.
The hard part on detaching is that we've been in MC for 5 months now (not a single change in my w as far as moving towards me), we're still separated, and our MC recommended once a week one-hour coffee dates, which we've been doing for 5 weeks now. We get along well on "friendly" terms, but my w is still not letting me in her house and no real marital progress. So, should I drop all the MC business and coffee dates and simply detach?
Mom is doing as well as she can. She is a very active person, Ntl tres for Ntl Garden Club of US, travels all over Us and is actually w a bunch of ladies in Atlanta,Ga right now. She is tough and has a lot of support from my 3 Sister and myself.
As for W and I, we are completely seperated. She has her apt and all her own bills and I haven't and won't help out. She has depleted her 401k to almost 0 and is always behind the 8 ball by the end of the month. She just got a raise and a bonus at work so now she'll be able to sustain herself for 3 months longer. She is extremely happy where she is right now and doesn't have the desire to try on M, 'yet'.
As for the kids she keeps saying the kids will be fine they are resilient and a lot of kids go through this and are just fine. I come back with those aren't my kids and my D is already seeing a IC at 5 yrs old. W is all about what the rest of the world is doing. Everyone has debt and $10k credit card bills, its the way it is. Thats not me, if I want something I save for it and don't need debt to make me like the rest of the people out there. She changes her mind like most people change their socks.
I know she is dis-illusioned right now but I just don't know how much more I can take. My friend and his W went to the comedy show and saw my W and OM. They were in a ballcony seat and were being really friendly w/ each other. No kissing but lot of hand holding, leg and back rubbing, mostly by the OM. W says nothing sexual has happened but come on, I'm a guy and I know what guys are after.
Just got our S papers signed and notarized this am. We have a MC session tomorrow. I'm at the point now where I could easily change S papers to D papers w/out much thought and be done...but I have to wait and give her some time...its 'only' been 4 months since W moved out.
I have been on one date and planned another one for Sunday, after I get done cutting wood for the weekend with a bunch of friends at our hunting camp.
I know I can't control her and don't try. I try to control myself but it is hard. My friends are all still miffed by what hashappened. Some days are better than others but I am doing fine...Hope all is well w you as well.
The thing is that everyone in her family has been D'd. Her M was in an abusive R, her F had and adulterous first W, her S got D'd, her B is inmarriage #2 taking care of his D 1 yr old b/c she is a dead beat, Cousin has been and she works w 2 girls that are going thru D as well. The cards are really stacked against me I am seeing, Parents are fine w her and OM. They've have dinner w them afetr a bball game. She has intro my kids to him and "they really like him...', I did set a boundary there, my kids are to no longer be around him at all. At first she said its 'inevitable' but then agreed, but how will I know, he lives in her home town 50 miles from here. She still goes and sees her parents there and I'm sure OM too...
The more I think about it the more I'm ready to call it...its sad but I not a door mat, I'm a H with a f'd up W with no remorse or compassion for me anymore...which is a 180 for her...I don't want to hurt you, it just happened, I didn't plan it....All you have to say is...NO, right!?
My w is completely and totally wrapped up in spending her time with MIL. She even started dressing like MIL recently-
Sounds as if she is trying to win approval from her mother.
I would not go on dates at this time, if there are no signs of positive change. I would stop the MC, b/c it obviously isn't helping. Pulling back and going dark on her could cause her to miss that loss in her life. As long as you're available to her, she's got her cake and can eat it too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
VT, I agree with Sandi, become as dark as possible. I did reach a point in my sitch where I didn't really care about W, I didn't really think I wanted W anymore, I wasn't hopeful that we would ever try to work it out and I don't even know if their was any faith left. That is about the time that W made her move back to me. Try to work through your own issues, GAL, and bury yourself in work or a hobby to get through this difficult time.
Well, D and I had a great Daddy daughter afternoon, bowling got a new wii game and talked about camping and Papa. She is finally opening up alittle bit.
Then the W calls at 730. Tells me she can't make MC appt because is is taking half day and friday off from work. I asked foolishly why and of course new the answer. W is picking up OM at airport and then spending friday w him as well. I get upset and say I don't want my kids around your OM and hang up. D senses my anger and says she is sad too and mommy shouldn't have a BF. She said her heart was in peices and we should be like Shrek and fiona...kids
This am, W called to talk to D, who didn't talk to mommy at all b/c she is still upset. W asks why and I said it is b/c you are picking up your OM and she doesn't like that. We get into an argument about how D found out about p/u of OM and then it ugly. W had planned on picking up kids on friday and then hanging out with OM at her apt for the weekend. She probably still will. She has lost all sense of reality and is only living for the now and trying to push me farther away. And yes it is working. As of now I will NC w WAW...
I do need some advice though....I think it would be easier to just D and get it over w...but I know she could turn around too when she gets out of her funk. I just don't know if I can do it any more!!!
