Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Another sad story

Just because you gave yourself the screen name doesn't mean you have to let it define you.

YOU are getting great advice here. YOU have to start DOING what is suggested instead of TALKING about it.

You've heard this before, but now is the time you ACCEPT it.

YOU can NOT CONTROL your WAW!!! Repeat it again. All YOU can do is figure out and SET your BOUNDARIES.

Listen to Coach and Sandi... What are your short-term/long-term goals?

No more pining. You want to know what to do... The ONLY thing
YOU can do. DETACH, GAL, WORK on YOU.... If she is truly worth it she will want to do the WORK too, but on HER time. NOT YOURS. This is where your list of goals comes in. What is acceptable. What are your boundaries??? Use this time to show her that YOU will be fine either way. Use this time to work on YOU and YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE. It is obvious by your post that you have issues with self confidence and self-worth/ego. I get it.. We all do... But YOU need to decide if this is going to DESTROY you or make you into a CHAMPION.

God Speed.

I'm not trying to talk you into separation from your W. I just wanted to let you know that this same story has been told many times and the LBH cannot seem to keep himself from observing every move & every word that comes from her. Neither am I telling you to give up hope. I am trying to give you fair warning that it could get very ugly before it starts to get better.

She would not necessarily act differently if you were S, but when thrown together...it tends to put people on edge and the buttons start getting pushed very easily.

The other way of looking at this would be to see it as you getting another chance to show her how you've changed. Your biggest hope will be for her to fall in love with you the second time around.

But men do not realize how long these things can take and they become very impatient and stressed out. As I said before, your W is going to feel more trapped as time goes by and guess who she is going to punish? The one she resents the most.

The thing about MC before reconciling is that she will probably use the sessions to tell the C how awful you are. Don't let it become a fighting match. She doesn't need to get the C's approval for D, either.

So if you want to stay under the same roof with her, you need to brace yourself. Make goals and set boundaries. Even if she doesn't consider herself your W....she must respect you as a man and the father of her children.

I know it's a touchy subject for some women, but I come from the old Bible School where the man is the head of his home. By "head", that means the responsibility for his family stops with him. He leads. He sets the example before his children. He enforces the boundaries. He is the provider. He is the protector. Whenever that order gets misplaced, you can count on a family/marriage falling apart.

Keep your children grounded by making sure they receive lots of physical affection from you. Give them words of affirmation. Let them know you "approve" and accept them. Make sure you have them in Church. Most of all.....pray for them, and pray for your W that she will see things clearly and that God will help her find her way back to you.

I will pray with you. I will pray for you, b/c this will take a lot of strength,but you know what you are promised......you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you. Wow! Who could ask for anything more?

I understand exactly where you're coming from Sandi. I've been mistaking her willingness to go to MC as reconciling to make our marriage work, when instead it's just acted as a way for her to work through all the issues. The core problem is that she doesn't love me anymore, and may never. As much as I want that to change, nothing I've been doing can/will change that. Only she can.

I've learned so much in the last month. I've discovered a lot about myself, my kids, and my wife. It's truly been an epiphany, and I'm glad for it. Now it's time for me to act as I thought I would when I was growing up.

I want a healthy relationship with God. This I'm working on for the first time in my life.

I want a healthy relationship with my children. This is something I've neglected in part by the R I have with my W. My children deserve to see that a loving relationship is just that. Not a sterile, loveless cohabitation plan.

I want to be healthier and more physically active. Getting in shape has been such a wonderful blessing the last month, giving me the confidence that I can change destructive habits and make a positive impact on my health.

I want to pursue my second career (writing), and eventually have it replace my current job. This I'm so excited to do, but time and stress are getting in the way.

I want a loving, caring, intimate relationship. I haven't had this with my wife since the first year or so. Whether it's just bad communication, bad timing, her inability to be loved due to abuse or my insecurity, it just didn't work. No one's to blame, but persisting in the same behaviour while expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

When I got done with my chemo and surgery, one of my mantras was "life is too short." I had lost a niece to murder, and had my own brush with the grim reaper, yet somehow I fell back into the same relationship trap with my W.

Now it's time to be strong, make the tough decisions that need to be made. I know what I need to do, and need to do it for myself, my kids, and in a sense, for my W.

Someone on this board had the most beautiful prayer, that I'm going to borrow because reading it gave me such peace, such relief:

"Here, you take her. I've done my best, Father," I cried. "You made her, and as much as I love her, you love her more than I ever could, and I know you will never forsake her. Please continue to soften her heart, and please take care of her until she decides to do so."

Maybe she'll straighten herself out and realize what we could have. I just can't hold my heart and my breath for any longer.

PMA-

Thank you!

well mr pinhead, i think you have the right idea, now the trouble is sticking to your revelations. This recon thing is not easy as you have the same players that say they may have changed but have they really. We have a total recon in that we didnt go through with the legal sep, she is at my house and we r living as a family but the same patterns are rearing. She wants lots of facebook time and the intimacy seems forced. Keep doing what u are doing pin because in the end even recon may not work and u may have to move on.

the key phrase for me is that u deserve someone that desires you for real.

it may take time to rekindle that with your wife, if not. you have to make choices, Can i live with a form of desire or do u need the real thing.

Met with our MC yesterday, and I was very upfront about my concerns with living as "roommates" because of financial concerns. My wife was really upset about the change in plans because she thought we had come to some agreement and now this was going to be much harder.

So when I came home last night we talked about it and really agreed that it wouldn't work that way, that she has no intent to reconcile, and that it would be unhealthy for both of us and our children to maintain the status quo.

So now we have to try and straighten out our finances a bit so we can separate, figure out what/how to tell the kids, and then figure out fair and equitable custody arrangements. It's hard because we have so little money for anything, and the girls standard of living will drop dramatically in the short term; but money isn't everything and the finances will straighten themselves out in the long run.

It felt really good to be confident and strong despite wishing things were different. I want to avoid making hasty decisions we'll regret. My rough plan is:

1. Try and save enough $$ so she can move out to an appt.
2. At this point sever all financial connections except for money I contrib to raising the girls.
3. Once we're physically separated, begin the legal proceedings for divorce.

Surprisingly, the hardest part isn't realizing my W won't be in my life the same way she's been in the past, but realizing that I'll be losing time with my daughters. If anyone can point to a good resource for figuring out the smartest way to share custody in a joint custody scenario, i'd be grateful. Neither of us want to lose this time, and both of us want the other parent involved as much as possible; but obviously something has to give.

Realized that I can sell our house without a realtor, saving a huge commission. Getting out from under our house would be a huge help after we separate. I don't have as big an attachment to it as our daughter's naturally do; I sure won't miss the maintenance and cost of a big house. I'm having our realtor come over to give me a rough appraisal for the house.

Last night after dinner, the W wanted to look at townhomes and appts in our area. Her dream would be for us to buy two houses at the opposite end of a block, so that our kids would have it easy when they want/need to visit the other coparent. We can't afford two houses, but my mom mentioned that two apartments within the same complex might work the same way. Obviously not next door to each other.

I'm concerned that we wouldn't have enough space, though in a lot of ways it'd be really convenient for coparenting.

Still losing weight, though not as fast as the last 30 days. Focusing more on eating well, keeping my exercise pattern going, and relaxing and my patience. It's hard when I see the W upset, I naturally want to comfort her.

Have to come to some agreement about what to do with our dog. This will be really hard for the girls, the first of many little (or big) traumas. One of the things that is really helping me and my W is that we're being brutally honest, and trying to keep what's best for the girls in mind.

Once again, you are the expert on your situation so you will know the best co-parenting (not custody) schedule.

I have tried many schedules. It depends on work schedules and kids school/sports/hobby schedules. I also fought for joint-residence and custody. Everything is equal. I have my daughter every wed n thurs night she has her every mon and tues nights then we rotate wkends. So each parent has a 5day stretch.

It has created the most stability so far. Others will give other examples. I heard switching every week. We also tried rotating every mon tues and also tried i had tues n thurs she had mon wed. was too much bouncing around. Like I said you should figure out what works best for you. If not go to a mediator to help design something.

Good Luck.

The current idea (not engraved in stone) is I would have them:

Sun-Wed(am)

W would have them:

Wed(pm) through Sat(am)

We would rotate Saturdays.

Like you said, we'll have to be flexible.

9lives- I want the real deal. I don't expect my wife to think I'm some Greek God, but I want her to love and lust for me. I just don't know if that can come back for her. Hell, she doesn't even like my touch, much less want intimacy. She's said our sex was good, but she never felt an "animalness" to it. Maybe that's a MLC thing for women. I don't know. When we were dating, we were like rabbits; she remembers a 17 day consecutive streak... A different lifetime for sure.

Trying to understand what she's thinking/feeling is so tiring. I can listen til the cows come home, but other than her feeling trapped, and not feeling physical attraction to me, she's really confused. So space/separation is probably the best thing for her and us.

I just refuse to let myself live based on waiting for someone to "come around." I'm getting healthier, calmer, more assertive, and more honest. I'm doing these things for myself and my daughters, but a small part of me hopes that these changes bring her back. I guess we all do on this site.