Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Making progress and reconnecting.....ayieee

I am....House keeping , small arange of flowers, a few hidden posted notes. Simple things that are contributing to a 180, 5LL or something I used to do as a LL to W.
I looked at the link. I am doing most of what is on there.

..if you were the
one who didn't show affection, etc. you need to do the
opposite. This is one of your most effective techniques,
Michele; doing the opposite of what comes naturally. For
me, this was a) speaking up when I didn't like something,
but doing it in a calm and reasoned voice, instead of
holding everything in for months and then losing it, which
was my normal way of relating; b) being more openly
affectionate c) praising my h for things he did, both small
and large; the positive results of this were seen most when
I continuously praised him for being such a wonderful
father; he became an even better dad; d) becoming much more
proud of my own career and involved in my own things rather
than focusing so much on him; and last but not least, e)
being much more sexually open, both in terms of frequency
and style for lack of a better word. This is me pretty much to a t.I am doing 180 on everything.

MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING
1. Be patient. Time is an assest even when it seems to be
killing you.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to
you.
3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy
4. Learn quickly to backoff, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out.
5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus
on all the other chances in your life that are not in
turmoil.
6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.
7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent
actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can
say or write.
8. Read as much as you can on this subjectAm doing...


--Be loving in return, but NOT overly excited or
enthusiastic.
--Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not
all.
--Do not ask questions about your future together.
--Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you.
--Continue to be upbeat.
--Do not say, "I love you."
--Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
--Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave
an activity.
W is almost always involving me in discusions in the future. Always talking with me as we are still involved together. This is confusing as all hell. Its as if this (D) isn't happening. I do follow the rest.

As for the I love you, its hard. It is second nature for me to say it. It slips alot....

Coach,

Just wanted to chime in and thank you for posting that link. Great post. I read it all.

mza8

Son of a....

Check the phone logs..OM contacted W the day she left to go on the business trip. I am so disappointed. I know I cant jusge anything by the text log, for all I know she told OM off. Regardless, she interacted with him instead of ignoring him.
Two, I just found out why I am stressing over how to pay the bills. W has had a personal bank account and been living pretty while the rest of us suffer. Kids and I wear second hand clothes, and eat what we can afford. W on the other hand has nice lunches at the fast food joints, and visits the clothing stores often. Oh..her mom also sent her money to help pay some bills. MIL paid in cash and not one deposit to any bank account. She just outright spent it. Also snooped around and found out she was getting child support from ex....sigh.....

I am so hurt and disappointed by this, plus the affair. I am going to confront her again. After vacation. I have now let her go. Either she will own up to this, as I am not being 100% to blame anymore. I am moving into the house and will be the support this family needs. If W doesn't like it, I will show her the door. I will be as polite,calm,cool,and collective. I am still not angry or mad, just hurt. I want this to end so we can move forward together or not.

I want to know why she was selfish and put this family thru this.
I want to know why and if "it" happened.
I want to know why she wants to work it out.
I want to hear her call OM and say LEAVE ME ALONE and DO NOT CONTACT ME....

/rant...

Aint life a mutha....

Finally cracked the safe in the house. Yes, i know..I trusted W with the combo...

Just found her D papers from last M.

D was final 17th June 2001


We were married 3rd March 2001....

I don't know what to do anymore.....My life is a wreck now, I have to go vacation with the kids, but now I cant think straight ....at all.....Stomach is so upset and now I am feeling depressed..... God please help me!

CP

I haven't read enough or remember enough of your sitch to know if you have a IC in place, but you're in crisis right now and need to take care of yourself. You don't have much chance of improving your R if you don't do that. Please set aside the sitch right now and address your own needs. IC, exercise, gal, whatever it takes.

This is over my head CP, but I want you to know that I feel for your situation. Try to stay calm and relax.

Someone will come along with some advice for you soon.

Hang in there buddy and be strong.

We're all pulling for you.

I am taking care of my self. I will still go on vacation and have a good time with the kids.

It will be in the hands of L shortly....We'll see in about an hour or two.

..just stressed..like the walls are folding in all at once.

You need to have complete transparency. You need to know if there is anything else from her past that effects you. Your trust with her has been broken and only her consistent actions will regain it for you.

Can't have secrets in a healthy marriage.

"I have been doing alot of thinking while you were gone and here is what I have decided. All contact with OM must stop if it happens again I will pack your bags and out them in the apartment and we will proceed with a D. I found your old D papers and found some facts that concern me. We got M before you were D. Why didn't I know this before? What else do I need to know about you or our marriage? Secrets in a marriage are unacceptable to me. We need to get everything on the table and then I have some decisions to make."

Call the meeting to order, lead on this, it's there whether you like it or not. This is about behavior that is unacceptable to you in your marriage, it's not personal. Think thru this, have a plan and then calmly and confidently communicate it to your W. When in doubt do nothing. Just say, "I'm thinking."

You can handle it.

If you decide to be a Catholic again, you can get an annulment

You got it Coach...

I have a week to calm down and prepare. I know she will deny a lot and I will hand over everything I have found. I will go over it with her. I will let her know her behavior IS unacceptable.

As for packing the bags, I would like to tell her regardless. "W ..yadda yadda yadda, the secrets.(not like this but I don't want to drag on) If you want to leave there is the door. I am not forcing you out, but I am not leaving the house. I am coming back inside to be the man of the house and hold the family together. You can take the truck, horse trailer,horses, and kids. I have already brought all of this to the attention of my L and I am proceeding with the D, if that is possible. " Something to this effect. I'll clean it up as time goes on.

Since I may not be legally married, can I ask W to drop the suit regardless? or is that a sign of weakness?