I suppose your continuing with DB or not depends on waht end result you want. If you are still wanting to save it, I suppose you need to keep at it.
Really don't get him taking your S to the appointment...What a Jerk!! Sounds like he might be trying to sway your son to his way of thinking. The D can be drawn out or over fairly quickly. I wanted mine slown down and since ex wouldn't do anything to move it along, it took 8 months. Cost him a pretty penny too.
If you need this over than try to agree on as much as possible before hand. Thinking of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm dying to know what he found out--I haven't gone to one yet because I didn't want to hear how great I would make out (I'm thinking a 15 year marriage with me being a SAHM and this house nearly paid for that I would do alright!)
But the H pays for the attorney, huh. Interesting. So if it's drawn out, he still pays? I didn't realize.
I'm in no rush really--I am enjoying my freedom! It's been great!!
I want to buy a laptop computure--I need it for school. Should I ask H? Should I just go get one? Need help on that one!
I had it in the divorce decree that he paid any additional L fees above the retainer. So he thought he would get money back but instead he owed more. He filed bankruptcy within a few months of the divorce being final. Everything that was in joint name came back to me even though he was ordered by the court(via the decree) to pay it. I ended up filing bankruptcy as well since I couldn't cover everything, in April of 2009. It was discharged in July of 2009. He made my life a living He!! for 2 years legally.
It's funny now. I don't go out of my way to talk to him but we can get things done for the kids which is the really important thing. My alimony disappears in 4 years and the kids will come off child support as they reach 18/graduate whichever comes last.
It wouldn't hurt to know what to expect. Crossing my fingers for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sounds like he took S to sway him to his side. This is really wrong. The child should be in the middle as little as possible. You can't change what H does, but try your hardest not to stoop to his level and retaliate by overinvolving your S. You be the best mom you can be by protecting him as much as possible.
As for me, DB has meant going as dark as possible - for me. Focussing on my inner peace and working on myself. If that has the consequence of waking up H, great. But I'm not counting on it. I suggest you just use the board and the philosophy to take care of yourself now - be the best person you can be, make your life as happy and serene as possible.
We need to work on protecting ourselvs and our sons from our Hs' craziness. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it's work we can do for ourselves, not our Ms. That is a big road and the most important thing to gain from this experience.
You and I are in a special situation with verbally abusive husbands so DB may not work "on them" but has some gems on self recovery.
I also recommend going to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site and joining their support forum. I've read about a lot of situations on there that are familiar and it's a good feeling to see similar patterns in other Rs so that I can see what is going on in mine with a more detached eye. I also see what works and doesn't work with others and that helps me be strong.
Frankly, most abusers see no reason to change since the problems are "out there" - or with us! - so frankly I have stopped all DB efforts at my H. Get as much support as you can and believe this is as bad as it feels and you can move on to something better - a life full of love, respect and happiness - whether alone or with another.
My H and I were talking after the L's appt. He is ranting how he's miserable, this is the pits, etc. and how it's going to be the stupidest D ever in the history of D's.
I agreed completely!!lol. Really, really stupid but Hey, it's your choice, H.
So he says, I don't hate you, I trust you still, and I don't not love you.
So did you ask what he wants to be different? Sounds like he doesn't even know. Priceless stuff they say! Just thought I would throw this out there: While my H and I were already in the D process, he stated that he was no longer having an affair. I was shocked and said really? He said no, because it was no longer secret! What an a$$!! Hope that gave you a laugh.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
OMG--that is too funny!! Not an affair because it's not secret!
What does H want? A doormat again probably. I think he is confused because that is just NOT going to be me. And WHERE the heck is his next doormat going to be coming from??lol.
Hope, I started a thread over in Infedelity last month wondering if the guys over there thought porn was cheating. A resounding "yes" pretty much, especially if done in secret. Someone posted on it today and brought it back to my attention.
Do you know how pathetic I am that I FORGOT about the PORN!! Sheesh. What the HECK is wrong with me??? He runs around saying how sneaky I am (in the past I would sneak a homeless animal that I found for a while until I could get it to a shelter, and then my latest was sneaking my girlfriend's horse over here after I put mine down in May).
Yeah, he has a 15 year history of sneaking off to watch porn, and I'm the sneaky one. Sure.lol.
Anyway, I have the workers coming out tomorrow to fix doors, and I have some magazines for new furniture from Ikea, and the BIG QUESION:
Should I get myself the laptop? H said I need to "educate" myself about a D (Ls are $300 an hour!) and I'm told I don't have to do anything yet--he just got an initial consultation.
I would rather put that towards a laptop--I'll tell him I educated myself on the internet.lol.
Or how about this--I'm getting 1/2 of everything--put it on my tab?lol.
Am I having too much fun? Seriously--I'm starting to think this is abnormal.lol.
Should I get myself the laptop? H said I need to "educate" myself about a D (Ls are $300 an hour!) and I'm told I don't have to do anything yet--he just got an initial consultation.
Well they weren't so expensive to keep him from going to one! I imagine that he found out from the L that he went to exactly how much you are entitled to in the D and he just doesn't want you to find out the same information. Screw him, I say get the laptop AND the consultation.
LIbraries have internet that you can use for free. You can also get free consultations and I recommend going to at least three to see who you feel best about.
But yea, if you buy one in the marriage, it's community property, right? so he's paying at least half!
