Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Just found out she already filed

Him: "someone who's either a divorcee or widow and tend to be in at least their late 30's they're out to have fun with their newly found freedom but it's not just 20's fun. they're ready to get serious if they find someone suitable."
Me: "well you just described STBXW as she is today, no thanks!"

Oh come on! Is this your fantasy (Yes, it is!) or is it factual. I think you have this fantasy that your wife is out there having a great old time looking for men, I'll bet she ain't! This kind of thinking is what hurt does to us. She's probably licking her wounds just like you but YOU DON'T GET TO SEE IT but that doesn't mean it isn't happening! Btw, if it isn't happening than she'll pay big time down the road emotionally. It's far better to acknowledge the pain, deal with it and carry on.
Hey, hats off to you for never saying anything bad about wife in front of daughter, that's called integrity.
What books did you order?

Wii, I want to believe you but I just think for her it's so easy. She's a girl- yes that makes a difference because she could go anywhere and ask a random good looking guy if he'd want to sleep with her and chances are the scumbag will say yes. Last time I tried that with a girl I got the Prada imprint left on my cheek Plus she's attractive, she even has a likeable personality- she'd have to no problem finding a guy. I know there's nothing I can do about it it is what it is

Now is she actually doing it? ok maybe not but she probably gets hit on several times a week so she's probably not even worried about that stuff. It makes a difference. For me I have to wonder if I'll ever find someone or is this the end of the line for me in terms of having a partner.

Yeah even when DD was upset about the cat and kept saying 'but daddy, mommy left the window open and the cat got out, she shouldn't have done that' I told her it was just an accident and I'm sure mommy herself is very upset about it. It wasn't anyone's fault.

Oh I didn't get any books from Amazon, I got a front and tail lights for my mountain bike since I want to go mountain biking at dusk - I hear that's when the cougars are most active and I got a nice daypack and a couple of sport drink bottles for DD and me.

"She's a girl- yes that makes a difference because she could go anywhere and ask a random good looking guy if he'd want to sleep with her and chances are the scumbag will say yes."

and you think that's really happening now? I doubt it.

"she probably gets hit on several times a week so she's probably not even worried about that stuff"

Another fantasy!

I think this is more about your anxiety about being alone and not knowing what the future holds. Btw, women re-marry far less often than men do after divorce. That could be due to choice though, who knows.

Well done, Romeo, and this is exactly what I think as well. If we insult the other parent to the child, then we are kind of insulting the child!




OK need and want...good distinction....but I do ask again: how does one know when they are ready? I mean for me, I was up and down with to date or not...I was actually SCARED that dating meant relationship which meant rejection. Also that if I dated, I would be moving on. And sex is a human need (not that you need to go out there and have a one night stand or something) but I think since men tend to have higher sex drives, they tend to start dating after the divorce sooner than women do.



I have been there! But just going on this one date even if I never see the guy again has renewed my optimism that good people are out there. And dads with kids are more likely to meet good women!



YES it is your anxiety. Which is normal of course!

And I think women re-marry less often due to the fact that
1) men in their 40s are into women in their 20s and 30s...so the older women (mid 30s+) have a smaller pool to choose from

2)having kids is "baggage"

3)being broke from losing their H's income is not appealing

But I could be wrong!

"OK need and want...good distinction....but I do ask again: how does one know when they are ready? I mean for me, I was up and down with to date or not...I was actually SCARED that dating meant relationship which meant rejection. Also that if I dated, I would be moving on."

Right on, newmama! I know it's always said that your spouse is only one person who has rejected you but c'mon...that was the most trusted R you've probably ever had and then bang you're living in a little apartment with a turtle (oh right, that's me!). It is a huge rejection and it's pretty darn natural to fear that any coming R will result in rejection. Let's face it, the person who knows you best in the whole world dumped your ass on the curb with the trash. That's darn traumatic! Now, of course, there is someone out there for each of us and we have to get by the fear to find that person but it's a process which takes time, longer than four or five months Romeo! Thanks for posting that newmama.

Thanks for weighing in guys! It's late, I'm beat, just got back from the evening bike ride so I'll respond tomorrow. For now I'll let these pics do the talking:

Edit: hmm, looks like we can't embed pics so the links will have to do.

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c57/bimm328/bikerun/sIMG_0260-Ride-wallpaper.jpg

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c57/bimm328/bikerun/IMG_0120.jpg

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c57/bimm328/bikerun/IMG_0121.jpg

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c57/bimm328/bikerun/IMG_0127.jpg

My brother rides like the wind too, Romeo. It keeps him sane. The night he found those pic of this wife he rode three hours and found himself in a little town outside the city at 3:00 am and then he had to bike back! Personally, I'd like to ride a bike but sadly I never owned one with 18 speeds back in my day it was pure pedal power all the way! Anytime I've attempted a bike with speeds it has been a frustrating experience somehow.

Romeo, those pics are gorgeous!Isn't it harder to take pics at night? I didn't realize you are into photography? It really is a talent--one has to be particular and have "the eye." I am lucky if one out of 15 pics looks good when I try to shoot the camera, lol!

yes, whatisis- I think maybe for me, I needed to mourn my relationship, stop trying to get stbxh back (or hoping he would come back), and then felt myself being attracted to other men...but I also have a full life without a man so therefore all of the above makes me ready! I don't know if this is a common formula for all LBSs...

Thanks guys...

Yes those are my fantasies...more like my insecurities, fear and anxiety. It's like that song Mr. Brightside by The Killers...ugh...torture but thankfully I don't think about those things too much anymore. As for her licking her wounds, yes she probably is or she did even before she moved out...just knowing the history and the patterns I think she's really 'good' about compartmentalizing stuff and can go on in life without thinking about stuff too much. She's always been the 'live today' type of a person and I always think about the future.

As for women marrying less, I can believe that. STBXW's mom never remarried but just in the 10 years I've known her she'd had 4 boyfriends- live-in BFs...so that doesn't help me. What helps me to think is she'll become a nun and go selebet lol - I'm only half kidding. Of course, it's foolish to think she won't have other men in her life and that's what I need to learn to deal with both from my personal feelings perspective and having someone else around DD whom I'm very protective of.

One way of dealing with this is to move on with my life. For me, I don't think I'll ever get married again either or have more kids. So the choices will be limited and there in lies the crux, how do I move on? I know it's only been a few months since she moved out this time but I've been dealing with this for several years. I feel like I put my life on hold for her/us and here I am 4 years later back to square one. No I'm not 100% ready to start dating but I'm ready enough to go out on a casual lunch/movie type of a date every now and then. Or call up a female friend to go places with her that I don't want to go to by myself because it's not as fun.

Wii, I don't ride much but I love getting out into nature whether it's camping, hiking, off-roading or biking. The evening ride was fun. It was nice and cool, saw a couple of owls, heard little critters rustling. It's amazing how the life in the wild comes alive at dusk and dawn. As I was racing down the downhill section probably doing about 20-25mph in the midst of the tall brown grass I did wonder if I'm looking looking like a T-bone steak to some hungry mountain lions lol

NM, you're right about the night shots and I'm not much of a photograhper but I'm a geek so I like to understand how things work. So one day long ago I decided to learn about the camera stuff, 1/3 quadrant, ISO, Aperture etc. It's amazing what a $150 camera can do these days. I've forgotten a lot but I know enough to get by. Glad you liked the pics

Here's one of the city lights- took it when it was pitch black around me on the way back: http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c57/bimm328/bikerun/IMG_0135.jpg

Email from STBXW:

"my phone died and i'm going to the store this am. I'll let you know when it's working again.

wanted to let you know there are two bills in DD's cubby, water and gas. I'm calling them today to take my name off them. they were forwarded to my PO box. Can you also remember to reimburse me for the last ATT bill? I can send a copy if you like. I've paid over $200 toward it already.

DD got a haircut at [friend's] salon this weekend. It's shorter (halfway up her back instead of all the way.) She wanted it that way. It looks nice and is much easier to wash and comb.

The wireless on my router is dead, that's what I get for getting one off CL. Anyway, I would like my iPod back too. I'm still working on getting a quote for movers to move the furniture that you said it was ok to take. I will let you know when that can happen.

DD has water day this Friday, just wanted to remind you since you have her Thursday evening. Her water shoes are already in her cubby.

Thanks."

So I was just thinking about the furniture and stuff that maybe I should ask her what's up? So I'm glad she mentioned it.

Also, there's DD's b.day coming up in a few weeks and she hasn't said anything since the last time I responded to her about a month ago.

iPod...kinda makes me mad that she wants it back. I gave it to her as a gift a few years ago and since the iPhone she hasn't used it at all. Whatever, she can have it.

ATT bill, I told her I'll pay for the last month not whatever months she wants me to pay for. Really gets under my skin that all the money she's getting for the temporary support is not enough for her to say 'gee, whatever it's a couple of hundered I'll just let it go' no - she wants every dime and penny that she feels she's entitled to.

Oh and she had DD's haircut without telling me. That's not cool either.