Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Separated, MLC and Infidelity - with kids

Hello to all on those on the ‘We’re Seperated’. At the bottom of this are the threads prior to here. I started in ‘Infidelity’ cause it fit the start of my problems, co-posted there and MLC board, cause she’s got that going on also, and now I find myself in need of this boards knowledge base.

In a nut shell up til now: We were separated 5 years ago with an 2 EA’s going on, got it all back together. March 8, OM first TM, April 2, OM 1st cell call, 1st week of may, first face to face secret meeting, mid may first time she spent the night away. Around this time I confirmed PA and confronted wife and exposed to family and friends as advised on Infidelity board(it is hurting their relationship, just not enough yet). The OM is one of the guys she had EA with 5 years ago, had little to no contact for 4.5 years.

Hindsight is 20/20, I have backslid a bit, recession caused backslide of joint debt. MLC – many causes and symptoms.

So here I am on the board I spent 6 months on 5 years ago. Why I’m here is that tomorrow she officially will be moving out. The house that she has rented is 85 paces from my front door to hers, for the DD’s sake, so as to disrupt their routines as little as possible. Two good things I see, first it is a 12 month lease, and second, OM lives over 1 hour away, so my fear of her moving out of school district is avoided, and maybe their relationship has a few chinks in it’s armor.

What am I doing you may ask. I’ve been refreshing my knowledge of DR, and taking crash course in PA destruction, and MLC info. I’ve got a couple 180’s working. I’ve fallen away from my faith over the last 20 years, and am enjoying getting reacquainted with church, and I’ve started working out again, which really helped 5 years ago. I was burying myself in work and a video game to forget about the bills etc, and have stopped doing both also.

We told DD’s 14 and 8 last night about the separation, and as I suspected, DD14 already knew, and actually had clothes in the other house, but D8 was crushed, and is still in shock. They are actually excited because they each get a new room . W unfortunately has been making a 'buddy' out of D14, instead of being a parent, and actually let OM meet her(as a friend I'm sure)

I look forward to the insight of all of you, because I have forgotten how badly the separation effects all, as well as the extra emotions I experience with my DD’s getting thrown into our M problems.

Infidelity
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029486&page=1

MLC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2025054&page=1

Hope you can help with my first issue being seperated:

I have asked my W to keep OM away from DD's and our nieghborhood. I thought it didn't need to be said, but she took DD14 to a kids concert that OM son was a participant in, and I found out that OM actually talked with her. Since then I asked again to please keep him away, that it isn't healthy for her, and she said she would, but I think that was just lip-service.

What do you do in a sitch like this?

Does anyone have some idea's for me on the problem in the previous post?

You lay down a boundary. What consequence have you given to her? She's going to keep doing it unless you establish a consequence.

Horrible 4th. Started out ok, went down and played golf with FIL, he and his wife love W but are not happy with her activities, and warned her about finances and our DD’s. Golf went fine, little talk of W and I, just to be careful and protect myself and DD’s. W left on the 3rd about 8 pm and did not return.

Left to go home and get D14 and take both to a friend’s at a lake property, but weather was to aweful, so D14 suggested going to local street/firework festival with a friend of her’s and D8 and me at same event(not with her tho, to embarrassing to be with dad), then abruptly changed her mind. She was at W house just up the street from ours(W not home), and I went up and found OM car in the garage. D14 knew who’s it was. Still didn’t want to go with me and D8. We left and 20 minutes later D14 is TM'ing me, ‘can mom pick us up’, I reply,‘to go where?’, no answer. W then calls and says she is going to pick her up and take her to OM friends place where she and OM are. I ask, then I ask firmer, then I warn, then I plead for her not to do this, because it will mess up D14 badly, she does it anyways. She drops D14 and her friend at my house at 11 pm, and goes to her place with OM. D14 spends night at my house under duress, and when I take D8 to swimming in the morning at 11, she goes to W’s(only 1 block away), and OM is still there!

Then D8 tells me this late last night:
W told D8 that if D8 does not try to get us back together, she will not make her do something she doesn't like to do, forever.

What would be a boundary I could set to stop her from involving my DD's?

I'm trying to get the whole boundaries thing, but not sure what I can do. I do appriciate any help.

Wow - Optimust / I am somewhat new here but having the Ds in the middle of this appears to me to be a recipe for disaster.

Maybe I'm not an expert here - but ultimately I think your reaction(s) will dictate to the girls who they can count on. If OM is inevitable, then your demonstration of respectful space will demonstrate to your girls that you are the source of strength in the chaotic world their mother is creating. Ultimately that's what kids their ages need and will rely on.

I can't imagine how difficult and hurtful the presence of the OM is to you - but your higher calling is as a father.

Hope you don't find this offensive.

I am taking the higher road and trying to do what I can to pull the girls out of it, but to bash W to them is wrong, to beat the pi$$ out of OM in front of them (or at all) will also backfire. I'm struggling to figure out boundaries that will make her keep them out of it. She is inflicting damage to them that the court system doesn't recognize, so I cant go there either.(did background check also, nada there)

She has alienated herself from all mine and her family, so there is no pressure that they can really apply at this time either. She does need me to have the girls on my days, and I would use that except it would actually be punishing the DD's and myself more than W.

I am going to try and explain it to her without her feeling I'm telling her what to do, and see how that goes over. I suffer from the whole 'fixer' issue, and she hates anything that sounds like she is being told what to do at this time, and thinks I'm a know-it-all, so it will be interesting how it goes over.

Any suggested websites or literature that deals with the mental and emotional damage kids take from this kind of interaction would be appriciated.

Optimust -
As a matter of fact I just found a website called "whileweheal.org" - there is another link to one called UptoParents
See what you think!

Irish,
This is an excellent resource. Thank you so much foor the heads-up on it.

If anyone else has a website or literature recommendation for things that deal with helping limit the damaging effects of a MLC, infidelity, and seperation on children I would greatly appreciate it as well.

After another mess of a weekend including W's miscommunication to D14 resulting in a sleepover including 3 boys at W's unsupervised house(because she was off with OM), we agreed that OM needs to not have any contact with DD's. We will see how it goes