Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

If you plan to detach, then you must stop rescuing her. Whatever is happening with her....it's addictive and she is "feeding" from something or somebody.

If she's this wired, I think you need to get a professional involved instead of getting advice off sites like this. That's not to say I don't want to support you, but something in this seems very unusual. I believe she is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Did you go to your IC appt tonight? How did it go?

bluestar,
I did go. She was concerned about me always being the care giver and not taking care of myself. She said to stay off these sites and telling your W ILY is fine. She said you guys were right about me not being able to fix this so stop.

W was home before kids and I got back from therapy. She only had 3 hours sleep so she is already sacked out.

sandi2,
I did try to get her to go. Even got her an appoinmtnet and filled out some of the paperwork for her. She said she couldnt get away today. IC said to stop doing things for her like this too. Said if she wants IC then she will check everyday for cancellations or just wait for her appt in mid Aug. I told my C that I thought she could accidentally harm herself.

What's the unusual thing?


idontunderstand,
I'll go read "Letting go". 6 months??? Ugh! That's a long time...

6 months is nothing in terms of DBing. Some sitchs last years. Detaching is hard but ultimately it's about you taking care of yourself and learning to let go of your partner. Sometimes the R can heal and repair. Sometimes you find a new future. I suggest that you get the DB book. It will help you understand all the terms we talk about and give you some action items to work on for yourself.

I always recommend Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue as well. I think this is an excellent book for helping you re-evaluate your R and figure out what a healthy R looks like for you. Really helped me with the detaching and healthy communication.

I don't know about the other sites you've been to but this one saved me. I didn't have family members or friends to talk to about things when my H left. If I didn't vent here and get advice from people who'd been there, I'd have crumbled completely. You can decide how much you'd like to post but I've never seen any advice here contradict what a C might say. If anything, advice here reinforces it.

I'll go get the books.

We have had so much going on the past 36 months.
1. Moved from Japan to US
2. My father passed away
3. Falsely accused of sexual harassment at workplace.
- Wife resents time spent on two years of appeals and
finally exonerated but lost promotion/career anyway
4. Pet yorkie had to have leg amputated
5. Anger issues with 5 year old son (Expelled from day-care,
suspended from Kindergarten)
6. Next door neighbor had husband stalker. Asked me to look
out for her house. He killed her and both teenage
daughters in front of his 10 year old son he let live. I
have guilt that I could have done something.
7. Retirement from 20 year career.
8. Move into new house (dream home that we had been saving for
and carrying blueprints around for almost 2 decades)that
must take both incomes to afford.
9. And some other issues just as great.

It's been a terrible time for us.


Here are the other two sites.

Loveshack Forum
Fortysix Forum

I think wife is abusing butalbital. She had to go to the ER on 17 June for taking 10 in 12 hours along with a beer. She has a bottle in the bathroom and she just went and got more (bottle of 30) at 12:52 today when she said she could not make her first ever IC at 1 pm. I put them back in her purse.

And the hits just keep on comin'.

So do I keep a happy face/even keel or do I ask why she cant make IC when she could?

Like I said....she could be going to several doctors in order to get more prescriptions.

Chuck, why does your little boy have such bad anger problems at 5 yrs old? How does your W deal with him when he has one of his anger fits? What did you do when he was expelled?

That list you gave....and the neighbors being murdered...how horrible! It's probably normal to feel that maybe you could have done something...but you can't live with that and you need to have peace about it.

We were in Korea for one year then Japan for another. The entire time I kept telling my son we are going to visit Grandpa who he shares a name with. We did have a visit during those two years but he was pretty small. As his 4th birthday approached we talked about moving to the US and counting down the days to see Grandpa. His birthday was 13 April and we flew to the US on 16 April the same day my father died. He never got to see his grandfather again. I have boy-girl twins and decided they were too young for the funeral.

His anger is hitting teachers. He has a sister who is a master manipulator that goads him all the time. She will not go to his room to play. She says if you want to play you come here. Then she decides the game, how its played, the color piece etc and if he doesn't like it, she says to of my room please. And does this 10x a day everyday. I tell him to play in his room and then she cant say that but he is lonely. She does the same thing at summer school not liking him following her around so she won't play with him. telling the other kids not to play with him. I had a long talk with her about that.

W yells. Then yells louder. Then quits and walks off. Kids know the pattern and know there is never any punishment so they got bolder and then just say no to her. They have toned that down but for a while she just stopped yelling and she finally detached. I was left with all the disciplining. They could be fighting in the room next to her and I have to run from the other end of the house to break it up.

Set up IC appointment. Watched him at home. IC was play therapy. I kept thinking $ going out for C to play with my kid. So did W. Kindergarten was just starting and hoped it would be a fresh start.

A two week stint in April of acting out, hitting a teacher earned him a suspension. Mom dropped out more from family. Started drinking. Increased work hours. Hugged possible OM at bar all around the same time. I think I have an email I sent her from around that time...This was before I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea about WAW, MLC or anything...

It's sad that we can't communicate well enough for me to have to resort to email but that;s what it has come to. I'm not real happy that I got to look after the kids while you napped for 2 hours then as soon as you got up you went to work and I got to watch the kids again until you came home. I had to feed them, get night clothes on, brush their teeth, and deal with keeping the peace then entire time. Now I have to take DS who you don't want anything to do with. Not only do I have to watch him all day I have to paint all by myself. It took 4 people 2 hours to paint so that means it will take me 8 hours by myself. And us painting was predicated by you telling Bob that we could do the staining and painting for the balusters and stairs but now you aren't to be found. You think not having to do anything with DS has nothing to do with me and you. You'd be wrong. You hiding at work, or not dealing with DS, or not speaking to me because you have nothing positive to say doesn't just effect your relationship with him but all of us. Even DD. Our marriage takes work. I have begged and pleaded with you for attention and now you don't even want to speak to me because you think we will argue because you will be negative. I thought I could handle not always feeling connected with you during sex when it seems like you just wanted to get it over with. And you never want to initiate. Or on the rare occasion you do you say, do you want to do it tonight?" It's never initiated through actions. But now not having anyone to talk to either has placed our relationship in really shaky territory. Who cares about the color of the stucco, or hardware is on the cabinets if we have no relationship. My step mom Mary thought never agreeing with my dad on how to raise the kids would not effect the marriage. She thought as long as other areas were okay the kid thing wouldn't be bad enough to do any harm. She was wrong. You can't compartmentalize your life. All of these things are intertwined. And if you think you are the mom or the worst kids in the world you haven't had a glimpse into anyone else's family. Mary's kids alone set an abandoned car on fire, broke a plate glass window at a downtown business and got caught by a railroad detective for placing objects on train tracks that could have caused a derailment. That was each of her three kids. And you probably know about the bloody beatings they gave each other, the home made tattoos and the stolen car. She thought that dealing and disciplining "her" children without any input from my dad would not effect what they felt for each other.

When I was asking you for more attention I just saw how hard you worked at housework, or job or making time for your job. I just wanted a little bit of that effort for us...for each other. You always magaged to find time to do many different things, I just wanted some of your time too. Since I have asked for more attention things have gotten worse. Much worse. And what scrap of time I used to get is now completely gone during the DS' situation. DS said you cried when Mr. xxxx said he couldn't come back.. and you cried when you took him to Grandma's...and you creid when you were at Grandma's. When I have to learn from our 5 year old about what took place then I know we have serious communication/relationship problems.

We have been married for 21 years. Changing any problem that has been going on for years is very difficult. But doing the same thing year after year and expecting different results is crazy. That's why when I wanted more of your attention I tried not to sulk or be withdrawn and I garnered up enough courage to tell you I wanted more of your attention/time. Very frustrating not getting any results.

I love you. I just want a small portion of the effort you give in other aspects of your life directed toward us. I want to work together not apart.



I got to go to sleep... I'm not doing very good taking care of me. Neither W or I have any close friends. Home builder and his W worked with us for 2 years and have seen the changes in our R and have tried to befriend us.

BTW, Other than no OM what boundaries would be good to set? No abusing prescription pills? Lay off the booze (her meds are not compatible with alcohol)? Make your IC appointment with lying about it and going to the pharmacy instead?

Oh and meds are all from the same doctor. I emailed her about W going through all of this and she sent me a privacy act email back saying doctor-patient privilege.

TTFN,
Chuck

PS Son is 6 now and doing better. We try using our words instead of our hands when we are frustrated.

Hope you take this in the spirit given, Chuck, but it sounds as if there aren't many boundaries for the children. Your son is probably reacting to other things more than his grandfather...b/c he was so young at that time.

What method of discipline does the daughter receive when she bosses her brother around and "controls" his life? She is setting herself up to be that type of woman when she grows up.

I am all EARS about anything and everything that will help my family and it is received in the spirit given.


I had a good morning. She was in bed last before we got home so I never got to talk to her. I made sure I got up early with her so she couldn't avoid me.

I talked about what her boss had to say and she said he was not going to press charges. She told him the cops were really mean to her. I asked if she was crying. She said not just with her boss but the whole day.

I left the room and got the kids dressed, teeth brushed, beds made, etc and made sure the kids were out of earshot and I faced her and said, "I said the other night you kept yelling I didn't take the f**king money and I kept telling you I believe you and support you." She said, "I just thought it was an odd coincidence that this was happening right during our divorce (no one has still filed). I said "You don't know me very well then because I have always supported you. I believe you and still support you in this and your health."

"I went to great effort to get you the IC appt yesterday and you said you couldn't break away but ended up at the pharmacy at the time of your appt. Do not disrespect me again." I said it calmly but firmly.

She said, "I called over there and they said there was no appt for me." I said, "There was no reason for you to call over there except to cancel the appt. You did not have an appointment but they were going to see you at 1pm anyway because I told them you may not be alive in mid-Aug for your next appt. So they made room. All you had to do was show up. Do not disrespect me like that."

She had a small pause and said, "It won't happen again," I said I will always support you but I will not be a doormat" and walked out of the room.

She actually took a banana with her for breakfast! I purposely stood outside to see what kind of goodbye I was going to get.

I got kisses and hugs from the kids and mom stood next to the car and said I'll call you later. I said ILY and she said ILY and she waved and drove off.

I am off to Barnes and Noble for DB book and Dr Phil's Book too. The I am going to see if I can get a print out from our pharmacy on how many times she has refilled the Butalbital. I can't believe the Dr who I went to last year with concerns about W's anorexic tendencies gave her Butalbital. One of the major side effects is loss of appetite. Lots of Dr's stopped using this med in the 1970-1980's because of the highly addictive nature it has.

I know her pill popping is not the only cause for our problems. It's just one more one the list.

I also asked her why she needed to work the C-store for more money and she said she didn't know how long this [divorce] was all going to take. Not sure I buy that because I told her (fudged) that a divorce can be done in less than 4 weeks. And she had been saying that since. I know it would take longer. So still not sure about the money thing.

Maybe I need to get a book on setting boundaries for kids too.

Chuck