This is exactly why you don't want to get a divorce right now.. tehre are way too many open wounds...
The script you have there is quite good...
I think Phil McGraw has something good too..let me have alook...
Note : Try not to make him out to be the villain if he's willing to work with you... Right now he likley wants to be OUT of the hotseat... Hold him accountable, but don't beat him over the head with it, particularly if he's willing to end the divorce proceedings until a later time... and I don't mean postpone, I mean put a STOP to them until this is more definite
Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:
1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage? 2. Do you have unfinished emotional business? 3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce? 4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children? 5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?
Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.
For more on his first two questions, read on:
Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.
You need to ask yourself:
What was your marriage like when it worked?
When did it go wrong? Why?
Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?
What do you want?
What is it costing you to be in your relationship?
Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
What are you doing to contaminate the relationship? "You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.
Ask yourself:
Are you still in love with your spouse? Are you hurt? Are you scared? Are you angry? Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do
Okay, so where does sex fit in right now? I had the talk with him last night about the divorce and he seemed to waiver a bit, but then said that he really feels like he wants to move forward and delaying the divorce doesn't move things forward. Then we talked a little bit about the house, etc. and then went and sat outside and talked about two concerts we are going to this week, golf, etc.
Then we came back inside and I really wanted a hug so I hugged him and the hug quickly turned really passionate, lots of kissing, pressing etc., all initiated by him. At one point he said "now this is confusing, isn't it" and then he also said "if we do this I want you to know that everything I said earlier is still true, I still want a divorce." And we ended up going upstairs and having a really good time. Afterward he seemed upset/worried. He said something like "I wish I could be the right man for you" or something like that. He also said that he is still really sexually attracted to me, which was confusing for him.
I guess I look at this as a good thing, that he seems a bit conflicted about having sexual feelings for me. Or am I reading too much into this?
If his affair were definitely over, and if he'd been tested (and you shown a copy of the test results), then I think this would be fine, so long as it doesn't mess with your ability to emotionally detach (most people can't pull it off).
However, I'm with what Allen said upthread: anyone who SAYS he's ended it, but is still pursuing divorce with you, I'm skeptical.
He has not been tested yet, but I went in Friday and was tested myself. It is definitely something I can bring up to him.
I don't know how this fits in with the detachment. I don't feel any closer to him since this happened, but I also don't feel any further away. And since I'm hoping it would bring HIM closer, I guess I am putting some emotion into it.
I think the situation with the OW at this time is that they are "on hold" until some point in time - whether that is when her divorce is final in October or until he moves out from me or what I don't know. But I have a feeling when they broke it off it was with the idea that they were open to resuming the relationship in the future. So my question is, is there anything I can do from my end to make our relationship more attractive than a possible future relationship with her?
I don't know how this fits in with the detachment.
What I meant by this was that if it messes with your ability to take the steps necessary to detach, then I would advise against it.
And I'd NEVER advise that you sleep with someone who had cheated, and not been tested (with YOU seeing the results)!!!
This tells me all I need to know:
Quote:
And since I'm hoping it would bring HIM closer, I guess I am putting some emotion into it.
This is a really personal topic, but I always go by a few basics:
1. Have they been tested, and you see the results.
2. How do YOU feel afterward -- relaxed, fun, pleasured and satisfied, or used/doormattish? 3. Are you able to just enjoy the sex, with no expectations??
Waterbur: I had the same situation although I never confirmed a PA with my H. (I believe it was more of an EA situation.) He would tell me he didn't have feelings for me, then initiate sex! It IS confusing. He said exactly what your H is saying: that he was physically attracted to me, and had love for me, but was not in love with me, followed by "don't think this changes anything..." Talk about mixed signals! What I kept in mind at that time was that as soon as there is anything that brings any kind of intimacy, the WAS usually then pulls away again and those statements (afterwards) are a result of that.
What's the answer? Well, I don't know if there is a cut and dry answer. I discussed it with FT and she said the same things PDT said above, basically. I think what you are wanting to know (because it is what I wanted to know) is how does it ultimately affect H and his mindset. Does it bring him closer to you or does it make you seem more like a doormat?!
I can only speak for myself. As a man, I would LOSE respect for a woman who was willing to have sex with me, even though I was wayward (at worst) and uncommitted to her (at best). I want someone who values themselves more than that. Oh, I may not like it (the rejection) at FIRST, but long-term, I would GAIN respect for her!
1. No, he has not been tested. I will talk to him tonight about that. The OW has been married for 15 years, we have for 10 so the odds are good that STDs aren't a problem. However I totally understand the risks and was tested myself on Friday.
2. I feel great afterward. He's the one who has regrets and doubts, not me. I think we established our expectations before the actual act - him saying this doesn't change things, me telling him I understand that and would still like to go forward.
3. I go into it thinking this will feel good and maybe it will bring us closer, but if not, at least it is fun for now.
And yes Sunny, your question is exactly my question. How does he see me during this? I'm pretty sure I don't seem desperate or like a door mat, as I'm the one reassuring him afterward that it was just fun and not to assign to much meaning to it. I guess I'm hoping to throw more confusion into his mind, like how can he want so desperately to be with me physically and yet still want a divorce? Confusion is GOOD, right?
