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Time to be brave and come clean.

Actually my sitch is not as it seems. I have no idea how many people on here this will alienate, but I hope it is few. I figured it's time if I'm going to be on FB groups with it all, I don't like hiding behind a facade, and for people to be able to see my face! I'm starting to feel like I'm amongst friends here, and safe enough to do this.


All the people involved in my sitch are women. We're civilly partnered, I consider this to have the same importance as marriage, and here in the UK it is subject to the same laws in all except the exact terminology used. We took vows with the same sentiments as those in conventional marriage. So read OW where it says OM in my previous posts.

There. Outed. Again.

And the STBXW just sent me the following txt regarding our remaining mutual friend.

"It's B's birthday today."

No idea why. Admittedly I didn't know it was today - have always been crap with that kind of thing.

I really just want to tell her to sod off. The friend concerned could've told me if she wanted to, but said nothing. I asked her what she was up to this week and she didn't say anything about birthdays.

Absolutely. All of this. I know it too. I wish I could do something about it, but know I can't. Always been a thrill seeker. Both of us have. Difference is I scratched the itch with adventure sports and my career rather than extramarital affairs.

Well, your wife will learn this the hard way when she has kids and someone cheats on her...

She may return to you, addicts often return to their original sources when the current ones dry up...

You can't save an addict, they have to want to change, and she doens't... Until she is pressured into changing by peers she respects she will not grow up...

Her parents are likley a good source to turn to if they are educated well on marriage... addicts often return to family as their first line of support...

Thanks for dropping by Allen - means a great deal to hear words of wisdom from those who've travelled the rollercoaster a lot longer than I.

The FIL is disgusted with her, her Mum died a couple of years ago. They had a lifelong and happy marriage from what I can tell, although it was her Mum's 2nd, and I'm not sure why the 1st ended. Her surrogate mother figure is also suitably disgusted with her and not hiding it. She doesn't get on well with her brother, and he is still angry with her for hurting her father and me with the divorce. They're all telling me repeatedly to move on though. I know that the sMIL was all for helping to save things for the first few months, but the STBXW wouldn't engage with her. The FIL is unlikely to have much influence as him and the STBXW have never really discussed anything other than farming, careers and Formula 1. He's a farmer of few words. So they all know of the wrongdoing, but I think have little capacity to help change it.

Her current circle of friends are pretty much all people that have been involved in adultery on one side or another, so are unlikely to be hypocrites and challenge her behaviour.

The WAW apparently "gave up" on her lifelong dream of having children when we split up. I haven't though, and my biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben just to complicate matters of patience in saving the M.

Must keep chanting the mantra

"Patience, patience and then some more patience"

Is the bizarreness of no contact for 2 months and then turning up at my door with debt payment and texting today some kind of attempt to keep me in her life?

She's an addict, she is not going to burn her bridges, she wants to keep her options open... all addicts do that...

It is possible to move on without losing hope.. You move on with your life, but leave the marriage to her to pick up at a later time after the affair runs its course... and it will...

Phil McGraw states quite clearly in his website that the long term success rate for affair couples is less than ONE PERCENT... it will die out on its own... it has little choice...

The question is what kind of man will you be and where will you be when it does end...?

Lees we all have down days so dont beat yourself.You are doing enough of that already.I have attached a piece on what hope is all about.Its heavy reading so have a look when you feel better.
She can be going through a MLC, the age bracket is generally 30-50.You under estimate the power you have when you GAL,concetrate on you and focus on your future.She is in alittle world of her own at the moment and I amsure you will realise that all the chemicals in her brain are dancing around given shes infatuated with th OM.She not in love.She knows she still has time to play with before her marriage officially ends.So all is not lost.Read iMlin sitch on my thread..its incredible but it is because she decided to stand and fight for her H.
The first time I was the WAS.I did not have an A.My husband never gave up though, he said he would fight for me and he did.Even after the D he fought,he believed we were going to be togther it was our destiny.That made him very attractive to me and showed how much he really did love me.Early on I wouldnt even speak to him.I was SURE it was finished.
Lees you cant be certain if its over but you can stand for your marriage and do all the things that may draw your W back.You can also decide you dont want to do any more and draw a line..you maybe in a space where you dont know what you want.
All of this is ok..its early days.
As I said on my sitch my mum had an A with my dad and she has ppaid for it ten fold.These people will get their come uppance, some day, some where...they will.
The one thing you have is life..as a dcotor you will appreciate how easily that can be taken away..there is no person worth losing life for OR losing your health, or your mind.
I can say that cos I am a little further down the line.
Tomorrow will be better and the next day may be hard...but the good days become more freqeunt.You have so much toi look fwd to..dont let anyone take away the dream...

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/hope.html

So I haven't replied to the txt. Not sure if a "thanks for letting me know" is in order or whether to just keep schtum.

At least I've done 2 little bits of work today now. Need to really crack on with it at the weekend, especially reading the 2 manuals for the course I'm instructing on in just over a week, as I'm working next weekend.

Thanks for looking in on me again JacT. I'm doing OK, losing hope in my sitch rather than hope in my life. I did initally try very hard to fight openly for my marriage for about 3 or 4 weeks, but it obviously didn't work as the OW was in the picture unbeknownst to me then.

I'm wondering if all this LRT is the right thing having done quite a lot more reading today. The STBXW did complain that I never tried to save things whilst we were married, and here I am walking away again......

Lees you talked suicide and thats losing hope in life..your better than that.Maybe you have answered you own question about saving things...perhaps thats why she is making small reconnects.

Latterly we were not fixing our issues and it became apparent the brick wall was the ow, they are parasites of the worst form..predators..oh dont let me rant..Do you know any good chemists who could develop a giant OP bug spray..make a fortune!!!
You still have a hoice not to walk away)))
Ye my H is lost totally..but I cant do this for him..he could have waved...just goes to show how lost in the fog they get.You W isnt any diff at mo.

TAKE CARE FRIEND