Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still trying to find my way

You are both right, I definitely need to detach more. The trick is to detach without letting go of hope.

There is not much to discuss regarding DS's schooling now that the year is at an end. I will work with DS on his reading and math over the summer, H knows that they are areas of concern form me so if he feels inclined to work with DS he can ask me for ideas or worksheets to work on.

As for summer activities, I'll give him a photocopy of the facility's summer schedule of activities with the kids. Other places that I choose to take DS on my weekends with him are none of H's business.

The money, though. That is a tougher area. I think I'll wait to see how much he gives me once the daycare reimburses him and then go from there. Hopefully he'll be able to give me most of it.

Maybe it's selfish of me but I hope H is feeling guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. Guilt that he should be moving with me this summer, guilt that he should have had this baby with me years ago, guilt that his actions and his choices have hurt me so much.

I hope that OW is pushing him to file for separation or divorce. I hope that she pushes him so much she pushes him right out of her life.

Mystik, I agree that it was your H's responsibility to check his mail and that you guys need to get the "business" part of the schedule.

You sound a lot stronger! Are you feeling better? I mean better, not fabulous! That would be silly to expect. I keep forgetting that only a couple of months ago, your H was planning on moving back in with you. I mainly remembered that it was when you discovered OW was pregnant.

So talk about triple trauma...cheating, false R, pregnant OW. Of course you would be deeply depressed. LUCKILY you are climbing out of it!

I also understand what you mean about going dark and not getting closer to working on your relationship. When our spouses are cheating and living with OW...well their priority is their relationship with OW. So the benefit of going dark is for us to heal and detach (tuck away hope but do not have a timeline!). The other benefits MIGHT include our spouse missing us and trying to get their needs 100% met by OW but finding they come up short.

Now let's examine the flip side- are you strong enough to be able to work on your relationship when you will be experiencing severe rejection? (because he is with OW) Mind games and blameshifting? Be able to avoid R talks? Be able to suppress crying? I don't think you are there yet.

In my case, if S was older, I think I would have done: gone
dark for awhile to heal and improve and GAL, then emerged light and bright and making some connections with H but being obviously busy, and while he was drawn to me, filed for D (truly it is emotional but you can always withdraw it). In fact, that was my plan during the month of June! I was going to file in July- was convinced he was just going to stall. But I wanted to do it when he wouldn't WANT to lose me if that makes sense. And I had to do it when I was prepared to follow through or else he might think I was just playing a game.

So it is an idea for you to try...if you want (although remember, my stbxh still served me with D papers! but doesn't the plan sound good?)

For a little longer, you stay dark, come across strong and independent and in charge like you describe in your recent posts (GO MYSTIK!). You stop crying easily because you are healing. You GAL. Then, a couple of months from now, you emerge from the darkness. Your H will be wondering "wow, what is UP with Mystik's positive attitude and energy? Why is she feeling so good? What is she doing? Could she possibly be moving on?" He becomes intrigued and attracted again!

Currently, it is unlikely that your H is drawn to you due to your depression and hurt and he can tell that you still long for him. Yet your H does not want to move on from you either. But he is not in a rush to end his affair, since he sees you will still be there waiting and he also may have promised to stay with her through the pregnancy. But once the baby comes....?

Just make sure you have a plan for D as well. Facing it will make it less scary but it doesn't mean it will happen, either!

oh and I think it's smart of you to wait a little bit to see what your H will give you financially before you present your figures to him! He might be giving you way more than you ask for!

Thanks NewMama, that does sound like a good plan. You are right that I'm not quite there yet, being able to suppress the crying and act all chipper when I'm obviously not. I definitely and not at the point where I could even consider being the one to file for D. Right now I'm just going one day at a time, praying my way through the hours. I'm trying to work on detaching while not losing my hope. I need to check out those threads you suggested to me in your thread, are they all in newcomers or are they scattered throughout the board?

had very little interaction with H last night when I picked up DS. He laughed at the way I parked, told me I did a "great" parking job, then that was it. DS came home with the toy Whore gave him. I suggested that be a Daddy's house toy so it doesn't get lost again like the original one did. Not sure DS is on board with that idea.

CW
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1949040&page=1

WN
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984742&page=1

HERE YA GO! Whatnow's H just left OW...it appears...

H e-mailed me today at work. Just wanted to know if he could get extra time with DS next weekend, he has family from out of town coming to visit.

Tomorrow morning H is picking up DS from me at work, and then I won't see DS until Sunday. Going to be a long weekend.

Got short with DS earlier. He asked when Whore was having the baby, I told him I don't know. This repeated for about five times until I snapped at him that I don't know and I don't care, to call his Daddy because it has nothing to do with me.

This is d@mn hard.

Still feeling pretty down in the dumps. It hasn't helped that it's been days since I last slept well. Hoping that with DS at his father's this weekend I'll be able to take a couple of my sleeping pills and get rested up.

Had a dream about H a few nights ago. I dreamt he kept trying to serve me with D papers and I kept throwing them back at him, telling him I refused to sign them. I don't remember how many times it happened, at least twice I think.

Today…. Today has not been a good day. I dreamt of H last night, it was a weird dream but in the dream I was furious with him. I wanted to rage at him, wanted to beat things with a stick or a bat I was so angry. I wanted to ask him why he was doing this to me, to us. How could he do stay with her, how could he have a baby with her. So I woke up upset, then had to talk to him this morning to coordinate him picking up DS from me when I got to work, I was running late as usual. He teased me about being late for work, suggested I try sleeping during the day if I'm having trouble with it at night. I was crying on and off all morning from the time I woke up enough to get in the shower, during the drive in to work, at work. It was hard seeing him this morning, he looked so good. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and beg him not to do this to me, not to leave me. But I didn't, I kept my wits about me. Didn't cry too much at work, managed to suppress the tears there. But I desperately wanted to just go home so I could break down. Prayed a lot today, kept asking God for strength to get through the day.

It's hitting me hard again today. His entire family will be in the area next weekend and I miss them all so much. I was close to them all and to be so out of contact with them hurts me deeply. This not knowing what is going on in H's head is killing me, I want to call his sister and find out what he's thinking. How can he two months ago be all set to leave her and move in with me, and now act like the thought had never entered his mind? Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Does he regret his choice to stay with her instead of returning to me? Does he know the door to reconciling is still open or does he think it's been slammed shut and locked for good by his actions? I want to know the answers to my questions so I can stop driving myself crazy wondering about them. I still feel so naked without my wedding ring, does he feel the same? My life has a big hole in it without him, does his life feel empty too? I wonder if he's noticed how much weight I've dropped in the past two months, and does he realize why I've lost so much. If he has noticed, he's never mentioned it to me.

I suspect that he's moving soon. DS has been telling me he's scared for when he goes to second grade and we move that I won't have enough money to move. He's been asking now and then if I know how expensive moving is and will we have enough money when it's time for us to move? I wonder where H is moving to, is he moving alone or with her? And if it's with her are they going to start sharing a room or keep in separate rooms?

I am going to write to H this weekend. But I won't send it. I'll hang onto the letter and if there comes a time I feel I need to send it to help me get some closure, then I will. But right now I'm too raw, too vulnerable to open myself up like that to him. Because I know all he'll do is say he's sorry and what is that going to do for me? I'll just want to tell him if he's sorry then he needs to show it, just saying it doesn't help. He needs to leave her and come back to me like he was going to do two months ago.

It feels like the life I desire, where H is back with DS and I and OW is out of the picture, is so close I can almost touch it. I just need to figure out how to get H on board with it. I need him to understand how damaging divorce is, how much it will negatively impact our son, how much it will negatively impact our lives. I meant my vows when I said "Forsaking all others...For better and for worse... Til death do we part." How can he so easily walk away from that? I feel that if I could just get him to go to therapy with me he'll realize our marriage is worth saving and he'll want to be with me. The magic words or magic actions are out there somewhere that will wake him up from this fog of confusion and misplaced loyalty.

I know part of what makes this so hard is that H is my first. My first date, first kiss, first lover. He's all I've ever known. I feel like I've lost my best friend when I lost him.