Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Does DB'ing work if OW is playing the victim?!?!

MrB,

Thanks for your advice. I know I've contributed to where my M is today. That is why I've decided to stay with my H despite what he is putting me through. However I don't believe I have contributed to my H's A. This is a decision he had made due to a flaw in his character.

As part of my 180, I'm changing the way I interact with my H. I know I need to give him more positive feedback and reduce feedback that could be viewed as critical.

What do you mean by being there for my H? Should I encourage him to talk about it? I'm not sure if I could stay neutral while listening.

Hi X. You sound depressed. Dont be. What are you doing for YOU.

Use this time to work on YOU. Time to GAL. Time to do things you have always wanted to do but never gotten the chance.

Time to treat yourself to a new do and threads.

Time to start working out. Make some new friends. Be mysterious. Go out with some old friends. Make H wonder where this new ENGERY is coming from.

Let him come home and see you doing yoga in the living room. Sweating in all the right places. Make him want you or else someone else will.

Let go.

Find your inner strength. Convince yourself you dont NEED him but WANT him. That you will be ok either way. Watch him come running with your new found inner strength.

It's the idea of loving the sinner and not the sin. He f*'d up now he has to deal with the consequences. Give him space when he needs it and if there is something you want to include him in on, then do it.

[--edited by dbmod: advertising]
But instead of standing there and taking the hits, start dodging them and get out of his way. When you're not there to blame, he'll have no choice but to look inwards. Meanwhile, you can start doing those changes you mentioned that he had issues with about you.

It's going to take time. But at least things will be on your terms.

Thannks NMM & MrB for your advice.

I'm trying to initiate conversation with H and trying to help cheer him up. He said no to going out for a movie. And still no physical contact other than the day OW broke up with him when he asked for sex.

I suppose I need to continue to have patience. I'm decided in my mind to give him up to 6 months to wake up to himself. I'll continue with DB'ing and if H doesn't appreciate it, it'll be his loss! I know i'll be a better person to enter into my next R and probably someone who deserves my love.

I pray God will sustain me through this trial and may he guide all my words and actions for His glory sake.

Definitely hold the line off at sex. YOu don't want to be his OW stand-in. That would be enabling his affair. Continue to be there for him but let him deal with his own issues.

When you go out now, start looking killer and attractive. Now that the OW is out, he'll be in a cloud for a bit. Be a ray of light that he will get drawn to. Stand strong though and don't give in to his demands no matter how much you want to.

He will become very nasty and testy in the next few days/weeks as he withdraws from the OW.

Thanks for your advice Mr B. I'm dolling myself up every day now. H and OW work in the same organisation, so it's going to be a long battle for me.....but God is on my side, who shall i fear!

Journaling:

A week after OW dumped H. H started talking about memoving out again saying he doesn't want to continue living together. I didn't argue but reminded him he said I could stay for at least six months. I maintained my position of not having anywhere to move to for the next 3 months and I won't be able to afford this place on my own. I didn't raise my voice during the entire conversation and allowed my tears to freely flow. H then apologised for upsetting me and said it's a bad day for him as he's missing OW. I said i know how he feels as i'm missing him the same way right now but more so since i've known him much longer than he has known OW> Then i left the room. H came in shortly to apologixe.

I feel i'm manipulating H, but if that's what it'll take for me to save our M and help H see the light, it's worth it, isn't it?

You still don't get it.

I think you are coming here asking for advice and then refusing to take it.

You are not in a power position right now because instead of telling your h that "You decided..." you are instead reminding him that you "have nowhere else to go...." he is "allowing you...."

Plus, you are crying and R talking.

KL,

I don't think i was engaging in R talk. I believe by sharing my hurt with my H at the time when he said he missed OW, I was showing empathy and reminded him of my feelings for him without saying the exact words. I felt I was in control the entire time.

In any case, my strategy appeared to have worked. My H apologised again and hugged me, first time since I moved back. I didn't give in to the temptation to engagte in R talk but let him do most of the talking. I didn't say anything even when H said he couldn't go back to our M and wants to be alone. He then said he doesn't think he'd be able to find someone else but he knows there would be men after me. I resisted the temptation to say I'd rather have him than other man. I just listened.

After our talk, H appeared to have cheered up and was especially nice for the rest of the evening, even suggested going to a movie. This morning, H even called me by a name which he has not used since the beginning of his A.

I am hopeful we are on the road to salvaging our M, but also am prepared for the worst. God has given me strength and I still know I will be ok with or without my H.

Yes be very cautious. He could still be contacting the OW behind your back.

When things feel a little more steady, I would suggest you two go to MC or to Retrouvaille so you can deal with everything in a healthy manner.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you.