Confusion is good as long as if he DOES follow through with D you don't end up feeling like a used prostitute that he tricked at all...
If he's truly remoreseful for his affair he will stop the divorce and end all contact with OW when you ask him to... Right now I am suspeicious that he may have just postponed the affair until everything is finalized...
If he's trying to trick you like that you need to know about it... I doubt they would be able to pull off not contacting each other until both D's are finalized...
Good points, PDT and Allen. Waterbur, I understand exactly what you are saying. Looking at it from their perspectives though, it makes me think, "Hmmm...if H DOES end up wanting out anyway, I will be PISSED that he strung me along..." EVEN THOUGH I know in my head that sex does not equal love, esp. for a man.
My case is a bit different in that H has gone from saying he thought he wanted out to saying he was willing to work on things. (Yet then he did not make another appt. with FT.) So, I have been confused as to whether to be of the mindset that we were working on reconnecting or whether I'm still detaching. I wish I was working more from a black or white position. If H still was saying he wanted to D, I think I would have a no sex policy. Of course, having just said that, it sounds like I am just allowing cake eating. But...there is no proof or signs right now of OW.
I just get the distinct feeling there's a hidden agenda someplace... They are BOTH OVER but they are BOTH pursuing divorce unilaterally against the protests of their spouses?
Sounds like they are trying to "repent" for the A and do the right thing (in their minds) which is to ditch the spouses and THEN be together, because that makes everything OK!
That's my analysis at this point... waterbur need to press her WS about halting the divorce if he's remorseful and see what the response is.. If he gets angry and won't budge you can bet they are planning something...
waterbur, not to fear.. I would suggest you continue having sex wtih him if you are comfortable.. after a couple weeks you can send a note to OW asking her if she's been tested because you have been having sex reglarly with your H for two weeks and don't want to catch anythign from her
THAT will test what's going on here... OW won't want your H having sex with YOU if they are planning to hook up post divorce.
I actually did a version of your plan right after exposure. I mentioned to the OW's husband that I need to get tested because we had continued to have sex after the PA started (because I didn't know about it, obviously). When he shared that with his wife (the OW) she was shocked, as she obviously didn't realize he was basically cheating on her with me.
And I don't think the sex we have been having has been "no strings attached", at least not from his perspective. He is often quite shook up at the end, like "what did I just do and why?" Last night he really seemed to be struggling with something afterward, which was when he said the "I wish I could be the man you need me to be" line, whatever that meant.
And last night I asked him to stop, or at least halt the divorce and he said no, that he wants to move forward and get on with the rest of his life and that halting the divorce right now doesn't do that. So YES, I think they are planning on getting back together at some point in the future. SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT? They aren't together now, he has broken off contact for now, we are getting divorced. What is my plan?
