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Why isn't OM going with her?

Why does she want you to go on the trip but does not want to be married to you?

Does she want you both?

Are you comfortable being in an open marriage?

Which calls to mind - now that she is living with someone else, has she filed for D?

Greek

I can tell a brush-off when I see one.

I'm not here to debate, L4S. I'm a very busy guy, whose own marriage has been saved using the techniques I've learned about and espouse here. I choose to still spend time here to help others, so that they can benefit from not making some of the same mistakes I did, and so that they can learn from the things that I did that WORKED.

Greek and I have both saved our marraiges, and have both just recommended a COMPLETELY different approach from what you're taking. And all you can respond with is "I need to hear from those who disagree with my chosen approach"?

Let me ask you this: HOW did you choose your chosen approach? How much have you studied infidelity?

I'd recommend that you read not only MWD, but Harley, Glass, Tupy, Spring, Dobson and McGraw. These are the EXPERTS in the field of infidelity, with collectively well over 100 years of experience in the field. Very, VERY few recommend the approach you're taking, and -- again -- I've personally never seen it work.

I do wish you good luck, tho.

Puppy

I am sorry I offended you, Pup. I was sincere when I told you I appreciated your comments and I am taking them to heart. Seventeen days ago, I thought I had a great marriage and today I live by myself with my dogs. Clearly I am clueless when it comes to what is going on in my life. In the past 17 days I have had a lot of changes in how I view things and my approach on how to resolve this issue is a work in progress. I really do need to hear from people like you who have been successful in your own marriages and in helping others salvage theirs.

I didn't feel offended, L4S. More like dismissed.

Look, I'm not saying I have all the answers. I don't. But most people come here with a little less certainty about what they're doing, and seem genuinely open to learning about what works and what doesn't. You just strike me as a respectful, kind, "thanks, I appreciate it, but I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing" kind of guy.

And I'm afraid your wife is going to WALK ALL OVER that guy, in her current state.

Supplication, appeasement and "Mr. Nice Guy" doesn't work. It arguably doesn't work in HEALTHY, COMMITTED relationships, but it danged sure doesn't work when there is an affair involved.

Just please read up on these things, and take the advice you get here strongly to heart.

Puppy

OK, just don't try to blame God for YOUR decission to handle things this way.

After all, He lead you here, didn't he?

What you would say if I told you God led me to tell you that you may be mistaken on how he wants you to handle this? As a Christian I hope you are aware that Satan tries to disguise himself as God to us so that he can lead us in the wrong direction. It is easy to get mislead. I can't count the number of people on this site that I have heard and seen talk about "unconditional" love, when in fact it is nothing more than being a doormat. Unconditional love sometimes requires "toughness and strength" and letting them go (as the Prodigal Son's father did)if that is their choice.

There is a thread on here about "letting go".. please read it.

Just today we had another newcomer on here. Read his story. The link is below. If you observe the reality of what happened in this new story, you will observe that HE was the Wayward spouse initially. He was having an affair. He told his betrayed spouse that he didn't love her the way he should anymore...

This would then make HER the betrayed spouse. Which is what you are in your situation. So, let's analyze what she did as the betrayed spouse..

SHE whined and cried the first three weeks or there abouts. After 3 weeks NOTICE what she did (remember SHE was the BS)

SHE unexpectedly moved out. Many on here are told not to move out. However, notice that SHE moved out. NOTICE and observe what has happened to HIM (the WS)after she got tough and moved unexpectedly and suddenly changed her plan of action. (SHE LET HIM GO) He would have kept cake eating for as long as she was going to let him. There is no denying.. It was HER letting go and moving out and letting him wonder if he had GONE TOO FAR that woke him up. No other explanation. THAT is what happened. I have seen this happen again and again in my lifetime. The ones who let go find out that suddenly the Wayward is chasing THEM. They would have NEVER believed it if I had told them that would happpen. However it IS what could very well happen when the spoused gets tough. Read the rest of this site and you will see very few successes without the "letting go" part being in the mix. Study that.

Now he wants back. Suddenly he loves her more than life itself. Suddenly he says he is the best husband material in the universe.
Suddenly he loves her and her children more than life itself. Suddenly he is as happy as ever and is no longer depressed...


Here is the link... Notice that it seems that she is ALSO a Christian. Think long and hard about the path you are choosing here. I haven't seen that path work very much. The percentages of doing it that way are slim. Very slim. Much better chances for the ones who get tough.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2035750#Post2035750

Hi Looking

I am very sorry to hear about the death of your son and my prayers are with you for continued strength.

I am not a veteran or an "affair buster". I am just a God fearing "Little Miss Bo Peeper" who for over a year has been "fighting" for my marriage. I know how it is to feel this is how "the world" would approach marriage problems and this is how God would have me approach them. Always, always you must seek God and pray before taking any steps. If you feel that God has spoken to you and told you to follow a certain route, there is no debate.

I know that God does expect Christians to fight for their marriages and not to give up easily. After all, you have taken the for better or for worse and til death do us part vows. BUT that does not necessarily mean that you can't take a "hard line" approach against adultery once you do so in a loving way. By that I mean you are not nasty, spiteful or disdainful to your spouse but you are firm yet polite. You can defend your M by stating that while you love her and acknowledge that while she has been through a rough time with the death of your son, marriage is meant for two people and God and that there is no room in M for a third person. You give her all the space she wants and stop pursuing. You can stop being available while there is a third person in your marriage. There is a way to do all this and please God. It is in the execution. You are never to act like a jerk but dignified and firm.

In fact, letting go may well be the ultimate manifestation of trust in God to work things out. GALing and enjoying your life shows that you trust God to take care of you and that you don't have to stand around crying, wringing your hands and being a "doormat". You can do this because you know that God will work towards the best resolution. Holding on tightly may be a very human inclination which can say that we don't trust ourselves to let go and let God work.I am just speaking in general terms and not assigning any labels to your behaviour.

The Prodigal Father did not put his life on hold. He no doubt prayed constantly for his son's return but he didn't go out searching the hills and fields for him. He let him go. This is where the LBS should begin GALing and the process of self development.

There is no room in a M for wanting to be involved with someone else and wanting your spouse as a friend. That goes against the very definition of M. There may be a way for a smart spouse who can handle it to put the necessary distance between a WAS and fan the friendship flame but it is a thin line to be treaded carefully.

Only you can know what God tells you and as I stated you must folow his lead. I just put the above out there for you to consider. You can seek his advice on all the approaches.

Hi again, folks. Been having a really, really bad day today. Asked her to call and when she did I did everything wrong. She is not the person I should talk to about how this is making me feel. To her credit, she listened and was polite, but I know better than doing that. After I ended the conversation, below is a paraphrase of the email I sent to her.



I really was listening, Pup. Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and encouragement. I will be needing it in the days to come.

L4S,

Wow, I'm stunned. When you decide to act, you ACT. Really proud of you! I know that wasn't easy for you, and tonite will be a restless night for you.

Letting them go, and turning them over to our Father is the hardest thing to do, I know. I still remember EXACTLY where I was, and what I was doing, when I did so. I was mowing my lawn, and praying as I often do while I mow, and there I was, in the 90+ degree Florida summer heat, and just kept mowing, bawling my eyes out.

"Here, you take her. I've done my best, Father," I cried. "You made her, and as much as I love her, you love her more than I ever could, and I know you will never forsake her. Please continue to soften her heart, and please take care of her until she decides to do so." It was a gut-wrenching sob, and very cathartic when it was over.

I'm a proud man, and God blessed me with a quick mind and a persuasive way, and I've always let my pride convince me that I could get people to do what I wanted them to do -- including my wife -- if I only combined just the ride words, in just the right way.

It was terrifying to think that it wasn't true, and that this time, I really DID have to "give it over" to God.

Pray for clarity, and for strenth, and discernment -- daily. He will not forsake you . . . or your wife.

Puppy