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I agree with Puppy, Boudreaux. Do this before the camel's nose gets too far into the tent.
Greek

After all was done, MIL called me soon after.

She wanted to know what was going on. I told her exactly what was on Puppys script, plus how I still would like her down for Christmas, as I have to make amends with her too.

She scolded me at first, as I have been awefull to everyone, not just my wife. I sad a few things the last time MIL was down here and we left on a bad note. After we got that out the way,she was very inspriational. She encourged me to keep up with IC, and my 180. She just wish W would go to C too. I told her not to force it, let me take care of myself, and hopefully W will come along in the future. Let it fall into place.

We then discussed my changes and that I still want to save the marriage. She said that W feels that too. She has faith in me, but is cautious that I can still backslide like I did before. I told her, this time is different. I am not angry or mad, even with OM comming in the picture. It just meant I work harder and need to get OM out of the equation. She agreed. We went on about how the kids need a father,since the real dead beat is not in the picture. I must step up and be the father in their life, not just "dad". We joked around a bit and I thanked her for calling. She said we can talk anytime.


Still being cautious, I checked the hpne log and W has kept her word on what I see, no communication between her and OM. I did see where MIL contacted W though.

How/when should I set up the transparency and boundries? How should I do this?

Wife, In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering the A with OM, I need to know that you're no longer talking, texting, or chatting with him. I would like to see you remove OM off your FB account, Yahoo messenger and email, plus any pictures you have of him.

Something like that?

I had to ask Puppy myself.

Its similar to an animal marking it's territory. She is trying to re-claim me.

Before we had sex, even she said it was just sex. After I asked, it did make sense. She knew I would go for it, she had the control. But after, I would "pass" she didn't have the control. This time when we ML, it was different. She didn't ask for sex and wait for me to go "service her". this time she actually took control. The ML wasn't the same "get your jollies off" either. We seemed closer like when we first met. :dunno:

I know I won't let my guard down. Its a wait and see and I'll play it day by day for now.

How bout this?


Wife, In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering the A with OM, I need to know that you're no longer talking, texting, or chatting with him. I would like to see you remove OM off your FB account, Yahoo messenger and email, plus any pictures you have of him.I am the man, your husband in your life in which you need no other reason to contact OM.

You can't do this until such time when she sincerely comes to you, contrite and remorseful, and either begs you to take her back or asks "What do I need to do?"

If and when she does that, tell her "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore," and that you have some thinking to do, and that you'll get back with her in a few days.

Then come here and we can help you with it.

Puppy

P.S. Good job with the MIL convo, esp. owning your past chit. Strength and honor!!

Ok, I must be misunderstanding. I assumed that I was supposed to do this today before it gets swepts under the rug.

Less words is always better. Choose your words carefully. Remove all unneeded words...

Then listen...

Very Nice R2C, plus it give her the iniative to put forth in this.

I'm so sorry, CPC, I was momentarily confusing you with QuickSilver. Trying to do too many things at once.

Yes, you should be ready with your short list of "Boundaries of Personal Integrity" -- your "dealbreakers," as they were.

As I'm a little slammed at work at the moment, this is from my personal archives and should help explain it better:

The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."

If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."

Example:

"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING

"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY

"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING

"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY

"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING

"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY

Make sense?

It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."

Puppy

I've seen it done this way as well, and this can be very good, as the FWAS will often come up with something BETTER than what you would have suggested, and of course, since this will now be THEIR OWN WORDS/THOUGHTS/STEPS, they take more "ownership" of them.

However, I would ONLY do this if I had my OWN list, loose-leaf, in my own hip pocket, ready to augment as necessary. You do NOT want to walk away from such an important meeting as this without COMPLETE AGREEMENT on what the steps need to be, and without making sure YOU are okay with them!

Puppy