Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Making progress and reconnecting.....ayieee

I'll go into detail, I was brief with my post as I was going to spend time with S and W watching a movie.




It wasn't a just like that. She was pretty argumentative at first. I let go of the rope, and poof. She couldn't fight any more. I just listened.

Next,I talked to her about setting up boundaries. I let her go first. Since, I used to be so controlling with the fiances, this was the first boundary she wanted to set. She asked if I did not balance the quicken. I usually screw it up, which causes more work to go bank and fix. She asked that she does the finances, and we could double check it together to verify the accuracy.
I agreed.
She also wanted me to be more upfront about things. Reason being, I have been following Sandi's advice and SHE is worried that I have been hiding something...or someone. I assured her she is the only woman in my life since the day we met. Which led to....
Me setting up a boundary for her. I said that before anything gets out of hand, I like to talk about the A. I want to be your man in your life, the husband you want me to be and I want to be. I cannot do this and I do not feel safe in the marriage if OM is involved. She said she understood and what do you want me to do. I asked if she could separate herself from OM. I said, I know he is on FB(I didn't say her he was her friend, not giving away what I knew). I did see him on your yahoo chat messenger, when you checked your mail the other day, and of course I know he is on your phone. She said OK, I will block him on FB, which she did. She went on Yahoo and blocked and deleted him from her account. On her PC and on the phone.(Yes there is an app for that.)She then blocked him on the phone. She went the extra step, without me asking and removed the pass code, if I wanted to check it.
Since the A bust Thursday, I noticed on the router logs, and ATT call logs, that she had not got in touch with OM. I did look thru her phone, which she no objection with,as one of the girls at work said that there are text apps that you can use that keep the messages untraceable. She did not have such programs.

We then spent some time looking on her computer at various things and talked for a bit before watching Avatar with our son.

Yes, I just saw Avatar. Going to the movies(or watching them) is not my thing. I usually fall asleep.... and this movie was long.


Her kung-fu maybe strong, mine is stronger. When I spoke to MIL Thursday, she told me my wife has long missed the affection that I stopped giving her. I see it, this is what she wants and needs. As long as I keep up the Kung Fu(the love and affection to her) and do not backslide in my ways, I do not see her going to OM. I am now there for her, the void has been filled.

I will give her the benefit of the doubt,for now. I have not let down my guard, as she hasn't let down hers. I still have my measures in place and will check up from time to time.

She did last night let me stay in the house to snuggle and stay in bed with her. She did say she is still cautious, and wants to take this day by day. I said I completely understand. I can still go to the apartment if you really want me to. I do not want you to feel pressured, but she objected and said, no you can stay. This is one of my short term goals, to snuggle and sleep in bed. The pain in my stomach subsided and I was at peace. This was nice.

And what did she SAY? What did she lead with?

Puppy

Smart woman.

I hope her husband will do the same.


Puppy

Just the usually "past 10 year stuff" again, plus we argued that even though "W says" nothing happened, does not meant it is not an A. You (W) had the intent, thats all that matters. Again she broke down about it.
Thats when I explained how the boundary works. I(We) need to set these up with eatch other to make things work, not demand something and be controlling about it. Thats when I asked what can I do? Finances was her issue. Then that is when she said what can she do. (I did find out you can't actually block calls/text on the phone.

I had checked the logs thru the weekend. I see 4 text to each other on Sat. Which I asked W, Since you broke off contact, has OM contacted you. She was honest and said yes. He text me good morning and ask what I was doing. I (W) replied that I was working and do not want to talk. I told W that it was good. She got tense and said ,she was not a dog, you do not have to tell me "good". I didn't argue or respond, but noted to myself, that I should of said Thanks, that made me happy she did the right thing. I saw OM try to text her Sunday, but W never responded.

-So far so good.


She also asked for me to stay the night again, which I did. The next morning she asked if I can make her breakfast, which I did.

We also spent the day watching a movie with our son. Then W and I went with some friends Geocaching. This is addictive, but we both love it. I am glad her friend showed us this. There is not much we really do together, but this has brought us closer together as we work as a team to find the caches.

Last night I told W I had a good weekend with her, which she said the same. I said good night and left to the apartment.

She later sent a text telling me good night.(Too bad I already fell asleep.)

She needs to change her cellphone #. As long as he can keep texting her, even if she DOESN'T reply, she's getting a "fix" and it will set back her withdrawal "clock" to 0:00 each time.

Why is he still contacting her, if she's told him not to, and that she's working on her marriage?

Puppy

It sounds like to me that she still is maintaining control over you and the situation. When she says controlling, does she mean of her or the relationship?

I wish I could. It is a number established for our business. Changing it will be a pain.(I know a pain or NC from OM what is worth more).

I am unsure why he has contacted her. I guess he needs his "fix" too?

She did tell me about him. They did meet a long time ago. They both had an intrest in horses. OM wife had some illness and left him about a year back. W said it was recently that they sttarted talking more.

I am seeing if I can block his number all together. It may fall under a parental measure ATT has in place. I'll see if OM keep contacting W. If so, I will talk to W first, going behind her back to do things is something she has been angry about. She has set a boundary with me on that and I will respect it. I will talk to W and tell her that
" I still do not feel comfortable with OM contacting W. Even though you do not respond, it should be in your best intrest to call ATT and have him blocked."

So you're expected to adhere to her boundaries, but it's OK with you if she doesn't adhere to yours?

Good luck with that.

As to why he's still contacting her, that one's easy: he's a PREDATOR and an ADDICT.

Did your wife ever send him a no-contact letter?

Puppy

Too weak. Better:

"I cannot live in a marriage where my wife continues to have contact with her former affair partner. You need to send him a letter requesting to leave you alone, and change your number so that he respects those wishes. I have no desire to have to forever be a traffic cop here."

Puppy

BE CAUTIOUS. Addicts have relapses!