You can't do this until such time when she sincerelycomes to you, contrite and remorseful, and either begs you to take her back or asks "What do I need to do?"
If and when she does that, tell her "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore," and that you have some thinking to do, and that you'll get back with her in a few days.
Then come here and we can help you with it.
You need to do all of this in the right order, at the right time, and the right body language and tone.
When in doubt, just listen to her, then say "I need time to think about that" and get back here for direction....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I've seen it done this way as well, and this can be very good, as the FWAS will often come up with something BETTER than what you would have suggested, and of course, since this will now be THEIR OWN WORDS/THOUGHTS/STEPS, they take more "ownership" of them.
Exactly. You can gage alot from what she offers.
If it isn't much, "That doesn't work for me." then just look her in the eyes and listen some more.....
Quote:
However, I would ONLY do this if I had my OWN list, loose-leaf, in my own hip pocket, ready to augment as necessary. You do NOT want to walk away from such an important meeting as this without COMPLETE AGREEMENT on what the steps need to be, and without making sure YOU are okay with them!
Make her do the work to get most of the items on your list. Then "OK, I will also need X, Y and Z"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Now my W said yesterday that nothing happened. Meaning In her mind she doesnt think she had an affair, as sex wasnt involved. I told her the commitment to meet the person in itself is an affair. Pretty much it didnt click with her. I am worried that I may not be able to set the transparancy up or the boundary with her. If I bring it up, I am afrain she will get defensive and clam up.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Now my W said yesterday that nothing happened. Meaning In her mind she doesnt think she had an affair, as sex wasnt involved. I told her the commitment to meet the person in itself is an affair. Pretty much it didnt click with her. I am worried that I may not be able to set the transparancy up or the boundary with her. If I bring it up, I am afrain she will get defensive and clam up.
It was an EA, a meeting meant to be a hook-up, a date, something she hid from her husband, something she sneaked out to do - it was an affair. WHATEVER she wants to call it, IT crossed your boundary...and that is the point. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Now my W said yesterday that nothing happened. Meaning In her mind she doesnt think she had an affair, as sex wasnt involved. I told her the commitment to meet the person in itself is an affair. Pretty much it didnt click with her. I am worried that I may not be able to set the transparancy up or the boundary with her. If I bring it up, I am afrain she will get defensive and clam up.
That's the beauty of boundaries, CP. They're for YOU, and since they should really only be things that YOU cannot abide ANYWAY, you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE by laying them out.
Consider:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
Puppy
Your wife was having online and video sex with another man, planning on meeting up with him to have REAL sex, and then laughing to your own 14 year old daughter about it.
If you're OK with all of that, then by all means, don't ask for no-contact and transparency.
Puppy
P.S. But again, these things can ONLY be asked for when the cheating spouse ASKS to be let back into the marriage, with a genuinely remorseful "What will it take?" speech. If she fights you, and obfuscates, and spins, and lies, and . . .
... well then she's not at that point, and your stance should then be "Then I guess I have my answer. Thank you at least for clarity."
I did over think this. She had no problem blocking or deleting OM out of everything.
Thanks all....Puppy Your list oh how to do it worked.
Y'all have a nice weekend. I am gonna do the same for the first time in quite a while.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
You do NOT want to walk away from such an important meeting as this without COMPLETE AGREEMENT on what the steps need to be, and without making sure YOU are okay with them!