Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis "Identity Crisis" no OW - be friends or not?

Gatsby,

One word.

Time

It is in your signature.

"3) acted "like normal" for 3 weeks, still no interest in R from WH,"

Is 3 weeks long enough?

Are you expecting too much, too soon?

Jack is right and MWD says it in DR/DB rebuild the friendship, when the the friendship is on solid ground then maybe look for things to move forward.

Are you angry or upset that he gets to walk away from the M and then come back and enjoy the benefits of your friendship? Not fair huh? Hopefully the wood I use here is balsa sorry and not too hard.....none of this is fair. It down right sucks, welcome to the club.

You have his attention and his presence in your life right now.....would you rather do this from a distance or in person?

Look at this time as a "time out" on your M. Look at this time as a gift from your H to work on you. Have you read any other books beside DR/DB?

Real eye openners for me,
Love Languages
Love and Respect
currently reading "improving your marriage without talking about it"

Some of these books may highlite some things you could do while in the presence of your H. Any changes you make need to be for YOU not him otherwise the changes aren't real and you will eventually slip back into old habits.



Nope. Unless there is evidence of OW, I would say continue to nuture the friendship.



If this thing goes to divorce, yes this would be appropriate. Do you want a divorce? Keep this mindset and that is where you are going to end up.

Put your immediate wants and desires aside....What do you really want long term? You want your H back you want your M back....we all do.



Make the road back to the R an easier one for him to travel. IMO this is what works.

If he is engaged in an adulterous affair this all changes. I don't want to leave you with that thought, and if you feel there isn't OW in the picture then build back the R, slooooowwwwwyyyy.

Remember, you did not get here overnite and your M will not be restored overnite.

Missherlove,

Thanks for a great post. I happened to read your first few lines before I had to leave the computer. I did see WH tonight and I tried to nurture the friendship more, basically based on the "time" word that I saw!

I also like the improving your marriage without talking about it rec. I will try to pick that up...

I glad it helped. Sometimes it is something small that keeps us "grounded" during all this mess.

I think Eric said it earlier "we are not professionals" and so what we offer are opinions and hopefully experience, friendship, understanding.

With that being said, something that has helped me have compassion and empathy for my W is the read up on this stuff. The resource threads here in MLC will give you alot of insight, if your H is going through MLC.

I found patience with the knowledge I have gained about relationships, marriages, and my role in that marriage. In that vein I started a journey of self discovery that has impacted me and those I care most for around me. My children, my family, my friends and hopefully my W.

Glad you are nuturing the friendship, that will be the foundation for rebuilding your M. Work on you though do not work on the R, your work on the R will be to have patience. As you discover things about yourself you will be tempted to talk about it with your H.....Don't. Make the changes real, make the changes stick, don't tell him about it, show him.

Time and Patience, Gatsby