Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Spouse Suffering From Depression

I completely understand the "my life is so horrible talks". My H does the same thing all the time saying how nothing makes him happy ever, (OW, moving out, coming home, etc).

Glad to hear about you getting some time to hang out with H. You need to really stick hard to the no R talk this weekend. I know for me that is hard to do, but it is very important to be sure that your H sees what he truly is missing. Good luck and stay strong. Enjoy this time.

Hi Lucky

I know that I really started to drain my wife emotionally but she never talked to me about how bad it was getting for her. That is why I think it is important to maintain dialog about how you are affected. It stinks that it took my wife wanting to separate to kick me into gear and I would never suggest that as a way to "shock" them into it. If she had only talked to me frankly and given me a little tough love, it would have been enough.

It started to go bad when she decided to withdraw and ignore my complaining as a way to protect herself. I could tell she had pulled away and I felt abandoned. This only deepened my depression and started a cycle that led to her affair and wanting to separate. Better communication between both of us would have prevented all of this.

I hope that you are able to get through to him somehow, I wish you the best!

Take care - HBH

Just need to share a thought here...I struggle with this depression issue because it's hard to know which part of his actions are from the depression and which are just b/c he's a being douchebag! Argg!

I think this is what happened that led up to my H's EA. He was depressed and after a few gentle attempts to get him to talk to me, I gave up and went into protection mode. I was nearly at the "get help or get out" stage when things started looking up so I held off. Then OW showed up a couple of weeks later and became "the only bright spot in his life" as he referred to her on several occasions.

Lucky,

It is hard to differentiate between the jerkness and the depression which is why it is so important to get help. The depression really affects every aspect of his life because we make many decisions based on how we feel and since his feelings are out of wack, his decisions are not what he may normally do. Just keep hanging in there and do the best you can. The best thing is detaching. Separate what he is doing from who he is in your mind. That way you can focus on the man you fell in love with and keep that in your mind to keep you strong, then when he does something stupid you can get mad at the depression and not him so you don't slip up and do or say something you may regret.

Have a great weekend with H and S!

Thanks HBH and awest for the tips. Oh somewhere in there is the man I love...it's just so easy to forget that when they are being a jerk. Thanks for that reminder! =)

No R talk this weekend will be tough b/c there is so much I wish I could say, but as we all already know, talking, rationalizing, complaining ,etc, don't do a darn good thing, so I will be stong! He's coming over tonight after work, so it will be a good sign that I was sucessful at this if he comes back Sat night too. H has not stayed over 2 nights in a row, so this is kind of a short term DB goal. [Short story on this -> staying w/ parents for help with S -> Parents angry with H right now (obviously) -> So, H will only stay over when Parents are gone -> Parents gone this weekend]. My plan is to take H and S to pumpkin patch tomorrowk, so that should be a fun outing for all of us!

I know I need to have a liitle tough love on this depression point and just be frank about the issue. I have tried to talk to him about getting help before, but he has been so admament about not getting help (even though he'll 100% agree with me that he suffers from depression). I don't know what his fear is of getting help??? It's hard to talk to him about how his depression is affecting me and our family, because somehow in his own selfishness, he turns it back around to say I'm being selfish for focusing on how it's affecting me. But that was several months ago and before I started DBing, so maybe it's time to try it again, with more confidence, concern, and openess. I definitely agree with you guys though - H's must get help for his depression before he completely destroys himself and our family!

Overwelmed - yeah, I think that is completely what i did - protection mood. Looking back, it was the worse thing I could have done, but at the time it felt right. To add to it, at that time, I will still dealing with my own "baby blues" or minor post-pardom depression. As I once told my H, "we were like 2 ships lost at sea, unable to help ourselves or each other..." Does your H still seem to be suffering from depression or has he tried to get any help for it at this point yet?

My H won't get professional help, but he has looked into natural and self-help type remedies such as eating more or less of certain foods, avoiding too much caffeine, and herbal supplements. He's really afraid of taking any drugs since he had such a bad reaction when he took Chantix to quit smoking. It turned his moderate depression to severe depression.

Post partum depression can be very serious and added to what you're going through with your H, it's not something to be taken lightly. My step-sister suffered from it so bad she was suicidal and had to be hospitalized. There's a great book about how the author dealt with her post partum depression called "It Sucked And Then I Cried" by Heather Armstrong. She also has a blog at www.dooce.com where she is very frank about what she went through.

Oh wow, I can see why he would want to avoid more meds then. Has he tried taking a high grade Omega 3 Fish Oil? I've been pretty impressed with a dr named Daniel Amen who is big on supplements & he also is one of the leaders in brain scans-very cool! (www.amenclinics.com)

Yeah, post partum is difficult and scary. Luckily for me, despite this whole situation, I had a great support system of family and friends who helped me get thru that and who continue to support me thru this! I truely thank God for that! =)

So glad you have such a great support system! And thanks a bunch for the link. I'll definitely check that out!

So totally dissappointed about this weeked. Had a few breakdowns (but luckily not in front of H). H came over after work on Fri night (he works the night shift) and we had a great time together. The next day I let him sleep in cause I knew he was tired from work and I got up with our S at 5:45am (early even for him)! H finally got up at noon and when he went to go see S, S didn't want to come to him. S just stood there clinging on to me. I felt a little bad for H, but really, what do you expect when you're never around. So then we were supposed to go to the pumpkin patch, but H said he was still too tired and that it would be too crowded, etc. So then H preceeds to take a nap on the couch. Poor S, who now wants to play with H, keeps going over to the couch to get H to play with him. H would either just sleep thru it or give him a little smile and go back to sleep. It broke my heart. The little look on S's face...he just looked so confused (he's only 13 months)! I'm just so glad he's not any older and still not really able to understand what's going on. Finally, got H up a little later for some lunch, had a nice lunch, talked a little bit about his depression (nothing really useful though), and then H had to leave to go get ready for work again. Then he says that he won't be coming back Saturday night cause he'll just be too tired from work. That frustrated me b/c I knew he was tired, but somehow he manages during the week to go out drinking and still go to work the next day. Why couldn't he just suck it up this time in order to spend time with me and his S? Aren't we important enought? Obviously not! Just so frustrated. I had my final breaking point this morning, when S fell and his nose started bleeding everywhere. I was just so angry that I was having to deal with this all on my own - why wasn't he here to help me right then when I needed him...*sigh.

Well as horrible as this weekend was for me, it might still have done some good with him, since all my interactions with him were very positive, no R talk, just enjoying each other. He made some comments about future stuff, about going to dinner at this one restaurant I wanted to try, but he hardly ever follow thru on things. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. It just really stinks to have to put your own emotions on hold all just to make sure to not set him off again...so difficult...but I am proud of myself still for sticking with my DBing this weekend. What next?...I just don't know...