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Coach,
It is true that I didn't impose or warn of any consequences. I agree that being a nice guy won't work. I do however believe in the Boundaries in Marriage advice of grace and truth. I did (thanks to the influence of advice on my thread) call her when I got home from work.

I told her that I was upset about her behavior the night before, and that I thought it was disrespectful and manipulative for her friend to have her spend the night. She said that he was suicidal. She said that he is in the process of moving out-of-state within a week. She said that she would no longer spend the night there, if that's what I wanted.

CL

Lanzo,
I left work naturally upset about things, thinking that the email was not adequate. She wasn't home, so I called her on her cell phone and left her a message that I was upset about last night. She called back immediately and asked what was wrong. I told her that her friend's emotional state doesn't justify poor boundaries on his part. I explained that if I had a lady friend in emotional distress, I wouldn't invite her to our place to spend the night. She said that she wouldn't spend the night again with him, if that's what I wanted. I left it at that, and proceeded on to our dance practice at the studio.

CL

So because he is sad, your wife gets to have sex with him?

He manipulated your wife into his lair and you allowed it. This guy is the lowest of low. He is not even going about stealing another mans woman by being manly! He is doing it by crying, and it's working!!! If I was Elvis I would have shot my computer monitor when I read this.

She can call you on the phone and in a matter of fact way tell you she is sleeping over at another man's house???

How is it that she can even have the guts to consider asking this much less TELL you this is what she is going to to.

What is wrong with, Mrs CL, you are my wife, not his, please respect me as such, and be home a reasonable hour.

...Or if he is in such a sad state the he requires overnight supervision, let's call professional help.

...Or, wow, that sounds bad, I'll be over in 30 minutes to help you out.

...Or, Mr CryBaby, I don't care how sad you are, mess with my wife and see how much more sad you are with my foot in your a$$

I have been with you for a long time, you seem like a kind and gentle man, but come on, an email after the fact is no boundary nor consequence. What do you fear that you cannot stand up to this woman.

I firmly believe that an actual stand and some passion on your part will do more for her attraction to you and more for your self esteem than all the book reading and email writing you have done in the last year.

Sure it will be scary as h@ll but will do so much for you. What holds you back?

Doc,
If it happens again, there will need to be at least a warning or a consequence. The boundary will have to progressive. She knows where I stand on this, and she has agreed to comply. I will give her an opportunity to keep her word. It appears that she is overextending her boundaries as a helper, for whatever reason.

CL

CL, there seems to have been a flurry of activity while I was composing my above response to your thread.

Congratulations on standing up to her and calling her to tell her what happened was not acceptable.

Double congratulations on her acknowledging and respecting your point of view.

My personal opinion is you still need to be stronger as an individual and therefore stronger with her but that said, your objective was accomplished. I am happy for you. I read this as a step forward.

...The warning needs to happen BEFORE it happens again. The consequence simply needs to happen.

DNO,
I agree that there needs to be a consequence the next time there is sleeping elsewhere behavior (with anyone). I didn't give a verbal warning on the phone, but I think one is implied. I haven't decided, but I think the next offense will result in a call to an attorney to see what my options are. She will be advised at that time that I am contacting an attorney to explore my options in how to resolve this problem.

CL

CL,
I think you should have already advised your W that there will be no further offenses of this nature tolerated, make it a statement of fact with no ambiguities. (Remember your wake up call).

If you think there is a slightest possibility of your W continuing with this kind of behavior you should already be consulting your attorney to see what your options are.

CL, unless you toughen or change tact as you keep promising to, your W will continue to "poop in your lunch box and convince you it’s a chocolate bar" and more worrying I think you’ll continue to accept it.

There’s still time to change things but it all up to you.

Take care

Lanzo

GREAT CL NOW STICK TO IT....

Doc

DB Friends,
The thorn in my side depressed person that my W worries about is moving out of town this week, about 600 miles away. He gave my W a piece of furniture, and dropped it off last night. It does look nice in our dance practice area. I hope our goodbyes represented that we all need to move on with our lives--my W and I together, and he as a functioning adult. My W says that he reminds her of how not to be in life, which helps to correct her.

I've been worrying about my W's coughing, so in the spirit of goodwill and honesty, I sent an email reminding her that the fitness facility we've joined offers acupuncture as a service. I think with her issues of anxiety, smoking, fatigue, insomnia and other ailments might benefit from it. I'm simply trying to get her to move more into healthy patterns. If I don't hear from her, I'll wait for an opportunity to discuss it in person, or send another email maybe a month from now. I consider it my responsibility to try to influence her to move into healthier ways of living.

Our dance teacher would like for us to perform a Salsa solo at the convention we're going to this fall. He complimented us on our work ethic. We continue to impress him on how quickly we pick up choreography. I agreed to it--my W has some hesitation. We chose the song we''d like to do, and will share it with our teacher. We both have been dancing Salsa for over five years. We would put familiar combinations in the routine, and the teacher would teach us some crowd pleasers.

She was considering going over to her "friend's" house to help him pack. I asked her what time she would be home (different behavior). She seemed confused by the question. I didn't pursue it. I ended-up offering to drive her to a weeknight dance venue, where I knew a trusted friend would drive her home.

CL

"The thorn in my side depressed person that my W worries about is moving out of town this week, about 600 miles away."

THIS IS GREAT CL... BUT..... remember My wife's OM lived two states away...Just a few hour plane ride... That is what happened to me.