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Sorry you had to go thru that. I understand how much words from your parents can hurt you, my "snakes" thrive on those feelings. I think this helps us see where some of your anger comes from.

You really let some good info out in that post.

There are some connections between what you H said and your father and your repsonse. Be aware of these triggers.

Do you see how people cross boundaries and you stuff it? You know it's wrong and it builds resentment in you. Find a healthy way to get it out.

y'know, even though i knew i wasn't a 'whore', the comment really hurt me.
i was the innocent, 'home-ly' girl who lived with her parents and i supported them financially. my father always knew i was home and i never dated. when my h and i started dating, i started dressing nicer. and that's when the comments started. my father knew i wasn't that kind of person but he made those comments anyway.

coach .. do you see the parallels in how my h has been accusing me of being a 'gold digger' and how angry i am about that comment? it's like my dad telling me that i'm a whore when that is so far from the truth.

why am i the whore when i never dated and never went out?
why am i the gold digger when i never took advantage of his credit card or bank account?
what's next? is the next person i am in a r with going to accuse me of being a thief?

why do people feel it is okay to attack my character even though i've never done any of this?


you mean like how i dealt with my hurt by hurting him back?
i need to hold myself to a higher standard than that.

it wasn't the right way to deal with it.
it may not be compassion that will ease my anger.
but it might be realizing that i need to work on how i deal with things to get a better response.
i too am at fault because i am in control of my own actions/emotions/reactions.
fighting hurt by dishing out hurt is not the way to go.
if he wants to hurt, that's fine. set your boundaries properly. but i don't have to "get back at him" by hurting him 10x harder.

there is a better way.

You are not.
You are not.

They might.

Don't let these unkind words from others define you. Sure, these words hurt, no question. But they don't define you...and don't let the HURT define you, either.

"People" don't feel it's ok to attack your character. THOSE people did. Don't define everyone else by the actions of a few.



Get a better response from whom?

One of the things I notice in what you write is that many times your actions/words/plans come with a sort of string attached to them. "If I do this, what will it get me" or "I did thus and so, and it didn't get me anywhere with that person." The thing about compassion easing anger is that the compassion is its own reward. It WILL ease the anger - there is no question to that. Compassion is the antidote for anger. Your remarks indicate that you want the compassion to yield some "response" from H. He may/your father may/ your inlaws may NEVER even notice or know of your compassion for them. That is simply not the point.


Compassion.
Greek

PHENOMENAL post, Greek.

Puppy

i just realize what can sum up how i really feel about these accusations. it's as if they see a "kick me" sign taped to my back.

i allowed these things to define me.


it's not really about getting a response from someone specific.
it's kinda like when i get confrontational or i dig at my h, he ends up closing up or stonewalling. i get frustrated because we're not communicating .. blah blah ..

in other words, try a different way of looking at things or to approach the issue.
it might improve communication and doesn't provoke such a defensive response from the person i am talking to.

i took the childish route of .. if you hurt me, i'm gonna hurt you too. and what does that solve? nothing.
i'm almost embarrassed to say that i use the same tactic when i speak to my father. and i get disrespectful and condescending. why? again .. that "you hurt me so i'm gonna hurt you" mentality.


i think what you are trying to say is what coach has said to me before in a different post .. focus on the process and not the outcome. i think my process lead me down dead end roads in the past.

Of course. That’s a terrible thing for a father to say to his daughter. I’m glad you know that it wasn’t true. Even when you know it isn’t true, it can be very hurtful and shocking that someone close to you is putting you down and trying to make you feel “less than”.



An eye for an eye, leaves everyone blind.




Yes, and that includes having compassion for YOUR pain too. Often, anger is used to avoid feeling the underlying hurt.

the thing is, i struggled with this for the longest time.
i allowed it to define me even though it was at the forefront of my thoughts. underneath, it ate at me.
when i would get close to my h and i had thoughts of wanting him. it would creep up and it would make me feel ... guilty and almost dirty for wanting him.
and after we were intimate, i would feel guilty for enjoying it because it would creep up again and it's like a voice in your head saying "you're a whore".

it took my h to ask for d and getting me to an ic and on to this board, before i realized the effect it had on me.

my h thought i didn't "want" him. that sex wasn't a passion or a priority of mine.
when deep down, i wanted him all the time but i didn't understand where the guilt was coming from. now i do and i can't have him.

Keep working. It's so worth it. Do it because you love yourself.

Greek is right, don't let anyone define you. "know thyself"

Use the ABCDE technique (Seligman) and dispute those negative things people say to you.


Cheers

Finally! And I got it in WRITING!

Greek

quick .. print out and frame it. haha.

coach - i posted my response in my separated thread.