He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
LT,
Even those that advocate "standing by your man" and "giving him all the time he needs," I believe, DON'T advocate actually telling him that he has all the time he needs.
Us humans are "path-of-least resistance" creatures. We seldom make the REALLY tough choices in our lives unless forced into some sort of crisis or credible fear of loss.
I believe in INTERNAL deadlines -- for yourself, to say "I'm giving this "x" amount of time (say, 6 months, or one year), but when you COMMUNICATE that deadline to a wayward spouse ("I'll give you until September 1st to make a decision") you then will find that they will take that as your tacit approval for their behavior, and will do what they please until August 31st, at which time they will promise you the moon and the stars if you'll only take them back.
And when you don't convey ANY deadline? Fine if you say (as I did) something like "Please hurry, as my love for you is eroding every day you do this, and I won't wait forever," rather than actually TELLING them "I'll be here for as long as it takes."
He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
LT,
Even those that advocate "standing by your man" and "giving him all the time he needs," I believe, DON'T advocate actually telling him that he has all the time he needs.
Us humans are "path-of-least resistance" creatures. We seldom make the REALLY tough choices in our lives unless forced into some sort of crisis or credible fear of loss.
I believe in INTERNAL deadlines -- for yourself, to say "I'm giving this "x" amount of time (say, 6 months, or one year), but when you COMMUNICATE that deadline to a wayward spouse ("I'll give you until September 1st to make a decision") you then will find that they will take that as your tacit approval for their behavior, and will do what they please until August 31st, at which time they will promise you the moon and the stars if you'll only take them back.
And when you don't convey ANY deadline? Fine if you say (as I did) something like "Please hurry, as my love for you is eroding every day you do this, and I won't wait forever," rather than actually TELLING them "I'll be here for as long as it takes."
Surely we can all agree at least on THAT???
Puppy
Puppy,
We actually agree more than you think we do...
There are "landmines" there though.
The timeline thing is one of them. I think people "heal" in their own time.
And there CAN be a balance with all of that within ourselves.
Too much Too soon, is ringing a bell that cannot be un-rung many times.
Not enough and the person can be walked on for years...
Where is that line between manipulation and standing strong ?
IMO, when the person is strong enough to handle those things emotionally...and can tell the difference between the two...
mach..I think you're right about the attack on the core..but not sure I agree that the personality remains intact. All of Nov-May he was like a different man, confused, scared, vulnerable, forgetting things, not taking care of himself, crying, sometimes mean, sometimes sad, sometimes so very distant. Then May, june til now..glimpses of the good guy he used to be.-- more talkative, more laughing, flirting, wanting to do stuff with me, fun to be around. But still somewhat distant.
