Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm new here, Don't know where to start

Even if he keeps doing this to you? Would it be worth it then?

I think the standard pitch here is going to be that you need a transparency plan in place so that you know he is really working on your M with you (and FT most likely) instead of using this time to hunt for another woman.

good to hear you're relying on God.

I'd think it'd be best if you can GAL in the same city as your H, so you can still have some contact. Could you go to school where you are now?

i think you need to stop thinking & worrying about your H's issue, instead you need to look after yourself and start planning your future without him - not because that would be the reality but because that's the best way to look after yourself now.

This is a great start, you'd just have to keep reminding yourself.

I started here too, as you know, and got some great advice ... but I wouldn't always call it 'neutral'.

I think the really key piece to communicate is that boundaries, while incredibly important and necessary, are for the LBS, and should only be set when the LBS is actually ready and able to follow through. I know that is the common sentiment over here, but I think sometimes it gets glossed over in the discussion and a newbie setting boundaries they can't/won't enforce is not gonna do anybody any good.

PEI

It's certainly FAR more neutral than either Infidelity and MLC. My intent in encouraging her to start here was for her to get a broad range of opinions, before she pigeon-holed her husband into any specific diagnosis. Not sure why you have an objection to that?

Right now, LT has multiple threads going, on multiple forums, some with COMPLETELY different sets of strategies and tactics. My fear for her here is that she's going to get horribly confused.



I agree, far too few newbies are willing to set and enforce boundaries. When we encounter that -- if we agree that they are important (and you say you do) -- then we should ENCOURAGE them to do better in this regard, don't you think?

If I think you need to do "A" to have the best chance in your sitch, but I see you're either unwilling or unable to do it, I don't just move along to "B" ... I try to come at you from a different angle, and encourage you to do "A", successfully. Especially if "A" is a real cornerstone or foundation to the next steps of DBing.

Puppy

Sorry about the multiple threads..like I said, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet with the forum thing. I'll get the hang of it soon. i should probably just be in one place so that i can connect with a few people and get to know them.

I'm not really experienced with boundries. For the most part, I tend to be pretty open and honest with most people I meet and it gets me in trouble sometimes. But it's what I like when I talk to people..makes me feel like we are bonding. My daughter is the same so I'm guessing it's a personality trait. I am working on being a bit more reserved. My C suggested it. It's also hard to be best friends with your spouse and also married to them. I always thought that was the goal, but not so sure now. When there are problems like these, it's too hard to have to be their friend and hear stuff about the OP and how hard it is for them to let go, etc. I guess I really never thought about boundries until this all happened.

More than anything, I think I just want to talk with some folks who are experienced with the whole thing, whether it be MLC, having major marital problems that may end in divorce or being cheated on. I have been divorced once, and he cheated on me too. So I guess I have some experience, but this seems very different..it hurts more and I want this to work out..I gave up on the last one. The love we had together is different than my first marriage if that makes any sense.

Puppy, I think I have seen you over in the MLC forum too, haven't I? I may just go over there. I honestly thought I had to post in the newbie section first. Anyway, you're right about getting confused. It makes sense that there would be different tactics/advice for those dealing with a spouse in MLC as opposed to one who is just a cheater/player. and who knows, maybe he is that. I'm pretty sure, based on what all those folks say on the MLC forum and from what I've read that is is MLC. The depression, the confusion, the affair, the total personality 180, the triggers-family deaths (especially sibling), the age, the change in his music taste, working out, the disappointment with the job, treating his kid like a child, not remembering things he's said and done, blaming everything on me, can't figure out what makes him happy, wanting more kids at his age, thinking it will all be better with someone else, the "fog", my feeling that aliens have abducted his brain, the I love you but am not in love with you speech, says he hasn't been happy for many years even tho just 2 years ago he told me that i was all he ever needed or wanted and how happy he was that we were on this journey together, his anger and critisism of everyone and everything, says everyone is controlling him, says it's his time now and he's tired of being a chump because everyone just takes advantage of him when he's a nice guy..add to that the massive mood swings from one minute to another..it's all just too weird. i wouldn't have ever believed in MLC had I not seen it with my own eyes..or the devastation it causes.

I absolutely do not have an objection to anyone getting a broad range of opinions prior to 'diagnosis', in fact it's why I would encourage lurking around the forums and getting a feel for what you are dealing with. What I object to is your insistence on the word 'neutral', but c'est la vie ... we can agree to disagree on that one!


This is precisely why I wouldn't call it neutral ... the fact is that there is a 'set of strategies and tactics' common to the forum. I agree that the majority, ie learning to set and enforce boundaries for example, are global and incredibly important, but some of the A tactics and strategies could backfire depending on the 'diagnosis'. Patience and education are the key, IMO.



LOL, and 'I say I do' ... I take it you question my belief in the importance of boundaries? Absolutely I agree that encouragement is important, but understanding oneself and one's ability to deal with the consequenses of boundaries is also important. I, for one, was not ready to live with the outcomes so I was slow to set boundaries, I babystepped my way in. I'm in a much better place now, but it was a process.

I really don't have an issue with boundaries in general. I do not always agree with the confront/expose advice given because I do believe it matters whether or not the WAS is MLC or not. In fact, as you well know, MWD herself does not advocate the confront/expose tactic. I say, do what works ... just remember that what works can vary vastly!

PEI

Hey Taylor,

Don't get me wrong here ... I think Puppy gives some of the best advice you're gonna find around here, we just disagree on a few points. And trust me, when it comes to learning about boundaries he's going to be able to help you ... if you'll listen. I had trouble with 'fuzzy' boundaries for quite a while in my sitch, and it's been a process for my to get where I am. The advice and feedback I got from the folks here in Newcomers was just as important to my journey as what I got in MLC.

PEI

PEI, There seems to be so many things to be aware of, to do and not do. It all feels overwhelming at times. And of course, that's when I do what comes naturally, which is to be nice to my husband and try to talk to him like we used to do, tell him
I love him..and it pushes him away..sometimes. But not all the time. I'm with you on the baby steps thing. Every sitch is different and we know our spouses better than anyone else. What works for some might not work for others. You kind of have to try different things and be careful. I truly believe that some of the MANY texts, letters, emails, phone and face to face conversations I have initiated did have a good impact on him..some of the stuff I said did get thru the fog. But it did push him away too. By the time a spouse figures out that her partner is in MLC or that there is an A going on, we have probably done alot of the wrong things already. Then it takes awhile to find places like this and learn new tactics.

If we can make it thru this together, I have no doubt that we will both be much better people and will advance to the next level of marriage. I have learned soooo much, and even in his confusion, I think he has too. My biggest fear is that I will throw in the towel because he won't let go of the connection he has with OW, or because I just can't go on without the intimacy I loved..it has been since March of 2009 since he shut me out in that area. I'm not a sex maniac by any means..but I miss the kisses, hugs, touches..and you know. It seems odd to me that he says he has gone for over 3 months now w/o it too. I guess if he is stressed out, that can happen. or maybe he's meeting her yet. That would hurt to find that out.

Both you and Puppy have been so helpful..each of you have your own experience and opinions. I'm no dummy..if someone recommends something that I think I can't do..believe me when I tell you--I won't do it. I'm a computer programmer by trade, so I'm pretty analytical and practical. I'll listen to what you all have to say and take pieces from here and there. It's all valueable. I'm just glad that you guys care enough to be here and want to help. Thanks all of you guys for that.