Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New here, not sure where to start

mach1, you're funny. It's actually ltaylor, like little l, and then taylor. I should probably change my user name as it looks funny.

I have done some deep soul searching in regards to what we could have done differently in our marriage. He says he has too..which is scary because he's just not thinking clearly and is blaming everything on me most of the time. Yes, I did gain some weight..but didn't realize that it would cause our marriage to fail. Thought he might mention it to me before that happened. Quit smoking, menopause, knee problems/surgery, family genetics, etc. Anyway, I've lost 50 lbs since all this started and am exercising as well. I still have a few to go to get into that size 7, but I'm working on it. He is passive agressive and very sensitive. He says that he wanted to tell me things over the years about what he wanted, etc. but didn't want to hurt my feelings. But, gees, I'm not a mind reader..and he has admitted that he should have told me things he was feeling, instead of expecting me to just know. I can be a bit controlling, (found out thru C that it is related to abandonemnt stuff)and am working on that too. He has problems with decision making so I naturally assumed the role, someone had to. But believe me when I say I would love to give up some of the control..be equal partners..so I just need for him to figure out how to take some control without going overboard and being a jerk about it.

We have figured out that we need to learn how to communicate better..I thought we were but not the case, I guess. We never fought, he doesn't like raised voices or arguing so most things were left unsaid and buried..everyone thought we had the best relationship and wanted to be like us. Our C says it's healthy to fight sometimes. The only thing that my H says he'd like to see change is my weight, get a job(be more independent), and do fun things. I have lost weight, am actively applying for jobs, and am suggesting active fun things to do together. After traveling all week, he tells me that he just wants to recharge his batteries and relax..so that's a double edged sword..damned if I plan fun stuff and damned if I let him sit around and relax. He tells me that I am doing all the right things and that there is probably not one more thing I could do to move this along. he is the one that needs to figure out what he wants. The hardest thing to do is sit back and watch them try to figure it out and know that in their altered state they could throw it all away and then later regret it, and I will have moved on. Or at least if I haven't moved on with someone else, I will have had to jump thru the many hoops of the D, selling the house, moving everything, storage, finding a job and new life, etc. It seems so senseless. Guess that's why I'm waiting it out, trying to figure out what I can do to lessen the impact. Most of my support group is looking at me like I'm crazy and wondering outloud why I put up with all this. Guess you need to go thru it to know.

Some of them would be right here, despite what they say right now.

Taylor

I want you to think about the following words...

Time
Peace
Love
Hope
Pain
Self
Future


Think about these words and tell me what they mean to you. What do you see in them?

Then I want you to tell me 5 things that you have always wanted to do in YOUR life.

Eric

I'm glad that you are working on that, because if this is the "new"....????

Yea.....a bit of a control freak goin on there....


If you really think about what you wrote in those....

Is that really the person that YOU want to be ?

Regardless of what he is doing, this is about you now...


Look I, Really read what you wrote, and google "controlling personality" , and then read just that again.....


Hi, my name is Mach, and I am a recovering control freak......

Damn ... that's gonna go to his head ...


This friggin' p!sses me off ... just sayin' ... you are the total package not a number on a scale ... if you want to lose weight for YOU so you feel better about yourself or whatever, then go for it.



Control is an ugly beast ... I've been fighting this one for a long time, I've lost a few battles but I'm winning the war. As you take this journey it will surprise you over and over again ... it will surface when you least expect it and in ways you've never noticed ...


Us too ... this was the red flag we missed ...


You will be amazed at how often you read that exact sentiment on here!


This right here is why you need to change your focus to you. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You can't please him right now ... you can't make this better ... you can't fix him ... and you can't fix the sitch. You can, however, begin to heal yourself. Grow, learn, feel ... do this for YOU.


He's right.

My advice here would be to stop watching then ... focus on you, look at Eric's post ... think about you ...


Peace
PEI

Hi Mach! CFA ... I wonder who chairs the meeting ....

Mach, I read the quotes you pulled out. The "I told him", references were just explanations about what is going on with my story. My C has told me that I need to stand up for myself and set some bounderies..not let him walk all over me. So if he's blatently flirting with other women when we are together, then I need to explain to him how that makes me feel and ask for some respect. That's what I did. As for the "let him sit around" comment..it's an issue that has come up..damned if I do, damned if I don't, thing. He says he wants me to be more fun and do active things, but when I try to suggest them or plan them, he tells me that he's tired and just wants to relax then later tells me that i don't do fun and active things. "Let him" was probably the wrong way to phrase it. Either way, it comes back to bite me in the a##.

And I know that I have some things to work on. My C says that in most relationships, the power or control factor should be 40/40/20. Each person has 40% and then the 20% goes back and forth to one or the other depending on the need.My problem is that he can't make decisions in his personal life and readily admits that. So, if a decision needs to be made, he makes me do it and then if it doesn't work out, he can blame me. Always been that way and it worked for 19 years. Neither of us liked it, or even realized that it worked this way until recently. He realized he wanted more control and I realized that I wanted him to have more. It's hard to be the one to always have to make the decisions. Not a fun job. We're both very analytical so we never jump before researching it to death, but in the end it was always me that had to finalize everything. It's just the way our relationship evolved. He never said he had a problem with it and I didn't know it was happening, so it worked until he slid into MLC. And then he decided that EVERYTHING I did was bad or wrong for him. As I've read here, it is one of the scripted dialogs that MLCers spout.."you are controlling". At this time, he feels like everyone is controlling him to some extent.

I have read lots of stuff on controlling/manipulating behaviors. I think we all do it to a certain degree. That's what relationships are..debating, stating our points of view, laughing about it, talking about stuff and learning from the other's perspective. Feeling comfortable enough to say what we feel and grow as individuals. It's unrealistic to think that someone will just say happy happy, complimentary, ego stroking, pandering things every minute of your life. Who would even want that..it's pollyanna land. But that's what he tells me..the OW never said ONE thing to make him feel bad about himself.

Eric, I'll have to think about some of the stuff you mentioned to be able to come up with a well thought out response. As for the 5 things I want to do with my life.
1. I'd like to write a book. this whole thing has prompted me to really think about this and how to go about it in a realistic way.
2. Be a grandma--and I have 3 grandkids and one on the way, so that has been very fulfilling.
3. Have a wonderful marriage and a partner who is as honored to be on this journey with me as I am with him. Have great relationships with my kids and close friends. Relationships are very important to me. I put alot of work into them.
4. Own a lakeshore lot so I could dangle my feet in the water from the dock and watch the stars-listen to the loons. That might be what I think of when I see the word peace..you asked about that.
5. I would like to go to Ireland to visit the birthplace of my ancestors. I'm working on that and will do it before I die.
6. Be happy, content and healthy.

PEI,
Thanks for your caring nature. It's amazing how I seem to seek that out these days.

I'm not so pathetic as I was just a few months ago..crying all the time and waiting to wake up from a bad dream. It took me awhile, but I finally realized that I can't fix it, can't fix him..can only fix me. And sometimes I even go back to being that scared and desperate person thinking that if I just say the right thing or show him the right article, post, TV show, etc. it will all make sense to him and he'll just snap out if it. It's been a long and scary rollercoaster ride. Even tho he doesn't acknowledge it right now, we really are a great couple and have lots of things in common. I hope I can hang in there long enough for him to see that. Occasionally I see glimpses of my wonderful husband, and I know that I'm in love with the guy he used to be, but also know that there were things about that guy that weren't that great either..and that he will never be that guy again. Which is good. I also will never be the same..and that's good too.

I agree about the weight thing. I am still the same person inside, no matter how I look on the outside. However, I have come to believe that a husband and wife should pay attention to the way they look..it makes a difference. So, yes, while I started losing weight to fix our marriage (some of it was unintentional as I was so caught up in the drama, I forgot to eat or wasn't hungry), I came to feel pretty good about being thinner..for my health as well as my self esteem.I have read alot on this forum about what the LBS learns as a result of their spouse's MLC and see alot of truth in what I've read. I even remember saying that his MLC has caused me to go thru a growth spurt myself..and that is a good thing. Painful but good.

I spent alot of time trying to figure out what was happening and why. It seemed really important to me to be able to find the reason. Now that I know, I'm curious about what I can do to help us, to help myself, and to minimize the damage/maximize the potential for a happy ending..whatever that might be. I'd like to have him end things with the OP for real, no contact. I don't think we'll be able to move forward if he is still thinking about her. His having sex with her would be a deal breaker for me. He says he hasn't been with her since he told her he was moving back with me. I'm believing him at the moment.

I'm thinking about going back to school as I'm not getting many bites on my job apps. Probably the 5 year gap since I last worked. I hate living where I am, because I don't know anyone except my son and family and a few neighbors. I'd really like to be close to where the rest of my family is, expecially now that my D is expecting a new baby. It's really too far away to visit our families regularly. And the weather is BRUTAL here. We do have a nice home, and the weather is ok in the summer..plus I do get to see my son and his family once in a while, but they expect to move within the next year or so. My H told me we would be here for a year..year and a half, tops..it is going on 4 years now. We left a dream home to move here so he could take this job..only to have him decide he hated the job and threaten our marriage with an affair. But he couldn't help having the MLC and shoudda, coudda, woudda never did anyone any good. So I'm going to go "cup half full" and believe that this was all God's plan to move us along on our journey.

Thank you for being kind and caring. I have a pretty good idea of what I need to do, for the most part anyway, just need some support and to talk to people who have been there, done that. I've gotten lots of good ideas.

So am I, It just looks like The outer 'me' decided to eat the thinner me. I dropped donw to 212 lbs on the woe is me LBS diet. Then things got good, and I got happy stupid and fat again, so this time I ma trying to kill that outter me that seems to think food is better than sex. Stupid Jack Trix are for unhelathy people.

Guys are visual. For right or wrong, it is just the way we are design flaw or brillant..ehhh I like the way I am.

Women, are not. So if you do not want to be judged visually...hook up with a woman. : )

I am glad that you believe that a married couple should pay attention to how they look...I am an absolute believer that 'change' should be for you and pretty much only for you in order for it to last. In a marriage there are often things you do for your spouse, in this case...being healthy is good for you both.



You will not have a realtionship until he does...

That being said, that is going to be boundary, and I'm not sure your capable of one just yet.

Not being mean...

Familiar with Robin Williams?

English Police: "Stop!...or I shall say Stop again!"

If you are unable to follow through with the consequences of a boundary you lay down, then you have no strength, no...teeth, no backbone.

IF you say "THIS or THAT."

And they do THIS...and YOU cannot do THAT, your a paper tiger and a liar and they will walk all over you...so I caution putting down boundairies until you KNOW you can live with the consequence THEY choose...as it WILL affect you.