Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Stuck in my situation, Need some Advice

Here's a quick summary of my situation:

Married to my W for almost 2 years. Been together for 6 years. Lived together for 2 years before M and then bought the house she grew up in. Her parents were separated about 4 years ago and never officially divorced. Her mother was still living in the house and we agreed to let her stay for free for a few months to get on her feet and to start the divorce process. A year later and she is still here.

We have been doing work on this house for almost 1 ½ years and have a ton of money invested in. The house is still not finished and we have been living in the basement for 1 ½ years.

That caused many fights and issues between us. Going back about 6 months ago, I started to see a change and immediately started thinking affair. This put me in a bad place and I started to pull away myself. We stopped doing date night, and just stopped going out and doing things. My main focus was the house and for some reason I thought that would make her happy. It did not.

Around this time a mutual guy friend of ours had been calling her a lot and I confronted her about it. I was no longer friends with him. She said nothing was going on. Fights were started about it. We finally have a big blow out and lots of things are discussed and we both agree we are not happy. Start trying to work on things and we would end up at the same fights a month down the road. Intimacy and the emotional side of the marriage started shutting down. Things started getting worse and my suspicions of an A were getting stronger. About 4 ½ months ago, we get in a fight and I accuse her of being “dirty”. She had gone for her gyno check-up and got a prescription for something and I assumed it was bad. I overreacted about and said something I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know how upset that made her until about 2 weeks later. From that point on all signs of intimacy were gone. At this point we started MC. We went a few times together and a few times separately. It started to help a little but her feelings for what I said were not going away. She wanted nothing physical from me.

About 2 months ago, we were going through the same things and I decided that maybe I needed to move out for a bit. So I move out and completely realize what the heck I had done and wanted to go back. The next night I go home and we get in a huge fight. She takes her wedding rings off, tells me she no longer loves me, and never sees us being intimate again. The next day she goes and gets her own cell phone and doesn’t give me the number. That night I slept on the couch and her in the bed. They are 5 feet from each other. Things got even worse. Arguing all the time and just complete nastiness from her. Divorce and separation were being talked about constantly. This lasted for about 3 weeks.

At that time she and her mother got in a huge fight and she ends up in one of the spare bedrooms that is unfinished. There is just a bed in there. From that night on she has slept in that spare room. My suspicions of the A grew stronger. I finally was able to catch her on Facebook. She was having an emotional affair with our mutual friend. It had not turned physical but she was always talking to him. Once I confronted her, her mind frame totally changed and we had a 2 hour talk about a lot of things. I confronted him about it. She was in to him but he wasn’t in to her. He cut ties with her and I have been checking ever since. She hasn’t been in contact with him.

I’ve continued MC myself and I go to a group on a weekly basis. About a month ago, I started reading Divorce Remedy. It has really helped me and I started my 180. I asked her out to dinner and she agreed. It had been 4 weeks since we went anywhere together. It was definitely awkward. A few days later we go out shopping and to dinner and it was much more comfortable. We were able to joke around and started to talk about work and other things.

The next week had similar results. She initiated conversations with me when she got home from work and she started coming downstairs to spend time with me.

Last weekend she was doing an overnight for babysitting and I get a call in the middle of day from her. She leaves a VM asking about my day and if I wanted to join her and the boys she was watching for a movie. I didn’t call back because it was the house number from where she was babysitting. A few hours later she calls me again when she gets back from the movie and talks to me for about 20 minutes.

Things started really looking up and we do dinner again this past week. Now we come to Wed night and she goes out with her cousin for dinner and sends me an e-mail saying she won’t be home late. So I go out and get home at 10:30. She is still not home. I wait up until 12:30 and finally go to sleep. The next day I get a message from her asking me to dinner on Friday because tonight she was getting her hair done and going to her grandparents. She doesn’t get home until 11. So now I haven’t seen her in like 2 days. Fri night comes and I have a softball game. I get home around 7:30 and she isn’t ready to go out. So now I am mad and I let the past 2 days get the best of me and I pretend like I didn’t know we had definite plans. It causes a fight and I try to get her to still go out, but she ends up leaving. She doesn’t come home until 5 AM on Sat morning. At this point I just let it all out and tell her she has crossed too many boundaries and I can not deal with that. I leave the house and go out for the day and night.

I let myself cool down and this morning I get her a coffee in the morning and we seem to be talking OK. We got out shopping and to lunch. Everything seems to be OK. If this was before I would have let this drag on for a week and I would have had an attitude all week. Well tonight we start talking and it turns ugly fast.

She isn’t 100% committed to working on the marriage and she has changes of feelings daily and she doesn’t know what she wants. We argue and she gets mad that I insult her. The D word comes up again and we end the conversation with uncertainty and no answers. I know I screwed up this weekend and I had been doing so good for 3 weeks. I guess I just need a pick me up and some feedback.

I am sorry you are going through this.
It definitely sounds like alot of miscommunication going on. It is easy to do! Many traditional marriage therapists don't address better ways to get through to your spouse. DB coaches give you very specific advice on how to interact in a way that is more likely to get a positive reponse. If you haven't talked to a coach yet, I suggest you look into it. Thousands of individuals have benefited from their expertise.
Also, for future posts, you may get more community response if you the post is brief. Best of luck to you.

Thanks Karen. Just a quick update:

Yesterday was a pretty normal day. We were civil when we got home from work and she seemed to be in an OK mood. Just found out today that she is planning a week long road trip with her cousin in about 2 weeks. She has not made any mention of this to me. I found out through her cousin's post on FB.

Is this the first time she's ever taken a week long trip without you? What does she plan to do with the kids?

Yes. This is the first time she has gone on a trip without me. We do not have any kids. Been T for 6 years and M for 2 years. I am 28 and W is 26.

bigdgsr


When she stays out all night, where is she and with whom?

She is confused right now and it sounds like when you were in control things seemed to be improving. Continue to work on yourself and do not do or say anything out of anger.

gr8

My thoughts are that she is either involved with OM and is planning to meet him, or else she wants to get away from you is why she's going on a trip without you. It's entirely possible for two girls to do that, but since you are having problems....it looks a little suspicious. Don't ask her about it and see what she tells you.

She is usually with her cousin or with the wife of a mutual couple of ours. Sometimes she goes to the bar, but she isn't coming home drunk.

Things were definitely improving until last weekend when we had the big argument and started talking about the R. Since then things have calmed down a lot.

I don't believe the OM and her are still talking. I haven't found any communication between them. I think she just needs to get away. I am not going to ask her about it.

Just an update:
Things had been civil between us and this morning I texted her asking if she won any money at the casino. She responded with didn't gamble to much.

So I ask her if she has plans tomorrow and she responds with "kind of, should one of us file papers today". I simply just responded with "Do what you need to do?" I then asked "When will you be moving out?" She answered with an "OK". I then said "I don't wanna talk about our R thru text. Can we talk this weekend?" Her response "I have plans with family." So just responded with "I know how I feel and I will no longer be disrespected. If the R is not important, then I know how you feel and I will make the steps forward."

Got no response. What should I do? Should I just pack her stuff and tell her to leave? Should I stand my ground? Need some help.

Decided on Friday that I was going to write her a letter. Basically stated "I can't live like this anymore. That we should move toward separation and divorce and that she has 2 weeks to move out of the house."

She gets home early from work and immediately runs down stairs and throws the letter at me. Says "I'm not moving out." I basically just say "I can't live like this anymore. I know you want a divorce and you want out. You have 2 weeks to move out." She is really heated and slams the door in the my face. I just left the house and didn't say a word. 20 mins later I get a nasty text message. I don't respond and 20 mins later I get a text that says "You can't even respond to me". I just went out and enjoyed my night. From Friday til today I have seen my W for 15 mins. We both have been out all weekend. Yesterday I texted her to see if she would be home to take care of the dog. She responded with "Got it under control". I just responded with "Thanks" and her response was "Yup".

So 2 hours later I am on my way home and I get a text from her that says "The dog is all-set but you need to give him a bendryl. I'm going out." I didn't respond to that text.

So now I have no idea why she is still heated and trying to pry an argument out of me. What happens if she doesn't leave in 2 weeks? What approach do I take?