Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Scwred up and need advice

Good mornin' CPCajun.

I'm sorry you find yourself in your present situation.

I was a resentful, angry, and verbally and emotionally abusive man for many years. And unfortunately, you vent that stuff onto the people that are closest to you (wife, and kids). Once I decided to really change, and I don't mean a half-ass effort...I mean it came from my very core...I started taking the steps. It's hard work, and it takes a long time. The motivation to do this needs to be simply 'because it needs to be done...period'! You can't do it to try to save the marriage, or to change somebody's mind. You have to want to change for the better, and do the work to actually make those changes...simple because those changes need to be made. One of the best, probably THE best thing, besides my resolve, to help me do this was to read and study a book called 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It was referred to me by an insightful lady on these boards...and it had a profound impact on me. It helped me to understand why I was the way that I was, and it helped me to understand the dynamics between she and I, and the kids. And it really helped me to understand the magnitude of the damage I had done over the years to her, and the kids. It was, plain and simple, a Godsend. I recommend this book to everyone who is involved in a relationship with someone (healthy or not), and especially to those who have been victims and/or perpetrators of this kind of behavior.
I am a better man now than I've ever been in my whole life. My marriage did not survive. I am presently in the midst of an awfully bad divorce and fight, for custody of the kids and assets. But I had to make these changes, without any expectations, in order to be a more healthy individual, in every respect.
There are wise people on these boards who can help you out with different facets of your situation. Listen to them and learn from them. I hope the information that I've given you will help you out in some small way with this particular facet of your situation.

Good luck,
antlers

Morning..

Thanks antlers. Soon as I get the funds, I'll pick this up and read.

Started a side thread. I did respond to W last night and got me this.

Do I keep trying to communicate to her as this is a 180 for me or stop?

Well I think my 180 are working.

Last night my W wanted to sell a scooter to pay for legal fees to file for d. I told her that she did not have to sell it, as I knew she loves to ride it. She said she "had" to. I said no one is forcing her to do it. She said she already told a buyer that he could have it. I said if the paper work is not sign, its not sold it is still yours, tell the guy sorry. She didn't want to call him as she said then it looks like it all falls back on her. SO I called the guy and explained "I" didn't want to sell it. He understood.

I explained to her I wanted her to be happy and the riding the scooter is one of the things that do that. I told her, I don't care anymore about anything, I just want to be a family. She started to tear up, which I started to do the same. We talked a bit more and I told her good night. It was a positive evening with small but good progress.

W is coming to pick up a few things in the city. I asked for a lunch date, even though she is bringing a friend. She agreed, so hopefully I can impress her friend as well as my W. I think W talks to her alot, so maybe my 180 may show her I am changing and not a bad person or S.


I am excited.

[...Deep breaths, don't screw it.]

Went well. Its kind of hard listening to two women gabble and actually hang on to every word they say.


At the end I almost got a kiss out of it. My W came up to do it,but quickly backed away. I was so close.

All in all I had a great time.

Crap...Back to squareone again.

I have been doing my 180s but Its just not working. I have never been real communicative with my wife, so as a 180 I have been tring to talk to her. I guees it is too much. Now she complains I am always "around" and she needs her space.

I will give her space. But I am confused with the 180, should I do it or just go dark for a while? Please help.

I just messed up big time.

I was going thru my router logs, as I usually do, to check for attacks to my network. I say some from MySpace, which should be blocked. I also saw a huge amout of traffic from some greeting card sites. I texted my wife(something else I am learning to do as a 180) to see if she been on it. She got mad and said I was controlling and monitoring everything she does. She is glad she is filing for divorce. I tried to tell her I wasn't doing that. If she feel I am controling, I would disable everything.

I am so frustrated with myself now.

you didn't mess up, relax, its your equipment, you're allowed to do what you want with it and you need to stop being so afraid of your wife's reaction, she knows this and keeps pulling that controlling card every time.

"Look wife (insert wife's name here), I'm done trying to make this work because it obviously isn't working. I would have preferred that we worked things out and got the marriage back on track but I'm tired of being accused of being controlling and everything else that you accuse me of and most of all I'm tired of wanting someone who doesn't want me. Go out, be with whoever you want, I won't stop you as I'm moving on with my own life now. I've finally decided that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to wait for you anymore, I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore and truthfully I don't want that anymore either, trying, trying and trying hasn't gotten me anywhere and I'm not going to be some schmuck that waits for years for his wife to wake up and love him again. FYI I'm going to petition for joint custody because I'm not going to settle for becoming a weekend dad, and I'm not moving out of my house, we'll just sell it when we divorce and split as part of the marital assets, when you decide to file for divorce give me a shout and I'll get my lawyer ready and we'll do this as amicably as possible so that we can both move on with our lives."

Kissing her a$$ and trying to be too super nice to her is fake and it's pissing her off, be normal, be regular, get your life in gear, get a life, be a great father to your kids and let your wife go. You're holding on too hard and it will never work that way, detach, let her go and move on with your life.

HALLELUJAH!!! and "Amen!"



Puppy