Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Spouse Suffering From Depression

Lucky11too,

I am in a similar sit. although there is more than just depression in my case. I am about to leave my H b/c I just can't take the behaviour anymore. Living in the same space is making it just too difficult. I can do the DBing for about a week but then I just end up losing it. He just continues the same behaviour and it is very difficult for me but I continue to try to hold on to the positive. If u can just try to see the positive in him and hang on to that. It is the only thing that keeps me sane and wanting to hang on to the marriage. When someone is depressed they become so negative and it begins to wear u down after a while. If he begins doing that either leave the sit. or try to turn it into a positive.

Much better day today. I've stayed strong and felt relatively more in peace. No crying outbreaks and back to mostly normal eating habbits. I know I'll continue to have ups and downs, but I am very thankful for the relief of a good day. =)

As mentioned in the above posts, I've been thinking about what I want and why I dealt with this so long. For me, i've stuck with it b/c I saw it as a solvable problem (depression/ADD) and felt that if I just stuck with it, we could conquer it. While we have come a super long way and still have a long way to go in his battle of depression/ADD, I wondered it I had ruined our progess with calling him out. But ultimately it comes down to the fact that no matter what his mental state and where we are in this journey, he still has no right no have other women in his life. Period! It's unfortunate he had to choose that road and destroy our progress, but that was the road he chose, and his responsibility alone.

I think I found something that works. Since every sitch is different I think you have to figure out what works best for you. So from knowing H, I know that complete ignoring won't do any good except make him extremely angry (while that may work for some, for me, that will only make H shut down and possibly become retailitive). What works I think is more of a dim approach. I don't initiate any texts but respond to his texts in pleasant but closed ended answers. It was quite interesting today. He starts off texting this morning that he lost his friend last night and hasn't heard from him since. Um, ok. My normal reaction (and what he would want/expect) from that somewhat vague statement is what happened, what did you do last night, etc etc etc. Instead, I just responded in a short "that doesn't sound good." Closed. A few hours later from H - "Just heard from him. He ended up walking 10 miles". Uh, I don't I think I asked, but my usual reaction "OMG, who, what, where, when, why... etc etc." Instead - "Wow. Well at least he got his exercise." Closed. It's working well b/c I'm being pleasant but completely laxadazical. Then tonight he asked how S was doing and I just gave a quick response about that. I know responding isn't always the best, but I think in this case, it's keeping him interested without giving him any benefits any return. I'm sure it's frustrating for him b/c he wants his old conversational buddy back, but I'm not giving it to him. Hopefully this doesn't backfire, but we'll see. Got to try something different and that's what I'm doing.

I got a great compliment tonight. I went over to my neighbors for dinner tonight and had a great time. But what was great is they told me what a great mom they thought I was. They were just so impressed on how patient I was with S and just told me what a great kid they thought S was. It felt good (and it wasn't a sympathy compliment either, b/c they have no idea what is going on).

Tomorrow day, I'm planning on taking S to the acquarium, then my parents come back tomorrow night. Not sure yet what I'm going to tell them about H b/c I don't want to give them amymore emotional strain, but I'll probably just try to give them the watered down version.

Thanks everybody for all your support!!!

Weekend went pretty well. I'm feeling much better now and stronger. Last week really got me down, but i think I'm on the up side again. S has been really grouchy and I finally figured out why - his top molars are coming in. Ouch! We went to the aquarium on Saturday morning and had a fun time. My parents came home on Saturday night (S was so excited!), so I was able to go to H's cousin's (my friend) b-day party that night. Then on Sunday, I went to her bbq. So fun times! =)

Things have been interesting with H. I still have refused to contact him, but he has sent me daily "How is S" texts. I don't know if he's just using that too keep the contact going, but I'm glad he cares about S and want to keep that father R alive, so I'll give him updates on S. I could tell he was hurt that I went to the aquarium without him but ask for a pic of S from there, which I sent him, and then he was commenting all weekend on how cute the pic was. I've tried to avoid any non S conversations, but last night he got my interest up. After his "How is S" text, he asked if I had heard about the new bar? Uh, what new bar? He asks me to call him before I went to bed, so I did, and he said how is dad (and therefor him) and his uncle were looking into getting another bar this week. That's a big deal for H b/c that has been what he wanted - his own place to run. Obviously, not my ideal job for an H, but it's what he loves. We talked for a few minutes and then he was about to go back into work and I said I had to tell him one more thing. His voice drops and almost turns angry and says "what?" I was just wanting to tell him about my crazy neighbors, but I know he thought I was about to get into R stuff. I don't know what he expects tho - eventually, we're going to have to have the R talk and decide once and for all, what direction our R is going to go. Either we're going to D or he has to commit to me and only me! Period! For me, the sticking period is going to be if he comes and tries to have "us" time. I think he thinks if he just gives it time, it will all just smooth over and we can just pretend like none of this happened. Not this time! How many times have we had issues and when it came time to address them, his only response was "I don't want to talk about it". But this time, b/c of the OW3, it's not going to be that easy. I don't think he's ready to live without me, so he better be ready to make the sacrifices to live with me. Maybe that's a little optimistic to even say, but on the other hand, enough is enough. I will not be played for the fool anymore, so he can either be my H or not!

It definitely sounds like you are getting stronger every day. It is also really great that H is asking about S every day. He is at least trying on that end, and at least for me, it would make me feel better knowing that he knows everything about S all the time. If he is feeling bad, good, hurt himself, etc.

Just keep doing what you feel is best and it is good you took some time to yourself because that is what helps to rejuvenate you.

Have a good week!