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Glad I finally got a chuckle!

Quick question for you.

I am almost certain that she is still in the EA (will confront her later this week).

When exposing her, should I tell the kids? I mean, she needs to fully understand the implications of the hirt she is causing, but, I don't know if turning her kids further against her is something I should do.

They are both already very cold to her and resentful since she is the one who moved out, and she IS their Mother, but I think they have a right to know why we are going through this and to continue to be completely honest with them (S13/D18).

I am really torn with this one!

It's a controversial subject, Nav. I certainly wouldn't LIE to them, if asked directly. I would NEVER lie to my kids!!

I can only tell you what I did. Once I had proof of my wife's affair, I immediately exposed to our two adult daughters, then 18 and 20. It turned out that the 20 year old suspected it, and the 18 year old had actually KNOWN about it for several weeks, and was afraid to tell me because she knew I'd be so upset!! The poor thing.

A couple of months later, after my wife still stubbornly refused to end her affair, I then also exposed -- in an age-appropriate way -- to my S-then-14. I asked him if he knew why Mommy and Daddy were fighting, he said "no." I asked him if he wanted to know why, and he said "yes." So I told him that "Mommy has a boyfriend, and married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends other than their husband or their wife. And that I was hurt by it, and disagreed with it, and asked her to stop, and she wouldn't, and that's why things were so tense around the house lately.

"Oh," he said, growing quiet. After a long pause, he said "It's that guy from the gym, isn't it."

"Yes, I said."

He knew!!!

Puppy

WOW! I am so sorry! I have been asked by my D18 and have hinted around it but I am worried about my S13. He has always been a talker (TOO MUCH! HA!) but the past few weeks, he has been so quiet and withdrawn that I am really worried about him.

I will just play it by ear for now and hopefully, I'll be "inspired" in the coming days.

MAN! This sucks, doesn't it? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!

Thank you for being here and offering your most personal details. It is really helping!


BTW, call me Tom, please.

Tom,

Something this important shouldn't be played by ear. Do some research on the topic (exposure, and what to tell kids about infidelity and potential divorce) on BOTH sides; maybe seek the advice of a couple of close people whom you trust and respect. And then do what feels right and authentic to you.

Me, I ultimately decided if I was going to err, it was going to be on the side of ALWAYS TELLING MY KIDS THE TRUTH.

Puppy

OK, I get that. As far as mentioning D, she already told them that is what she wants so, there's that. I just think I might wait to tell my S13 anything about the A unless he asks a direct question. My D18 however, I think has some idea as seemingly overnight, she went from being cold toward her mother for leaving and hurting me, to being quite vocally pissed off at her.

Once again, I thank you for your guidance.

I stuck with the battle plan tonight when she came over again. I told her that I needed the paperwork for the mortgage and her car loan for the bankruptcy case then went into the kitchen to make dinner for the kids. She kept coming in trying to engage me and I was polite, short answers, and calm.

She hung around for a few minutes then said, "Oh, I forgot I have to go home and do laundry." I said, OK, Bye.

She hugged the kids and kept hovering around me trying to get an opening to hug me too but I kept finding something to have in my hands and stayed busy and didn't make eye contact.

She waited a few minutes then said, "Well, bye then".

Am I doing this right?

I am pretty sure she's going to flip tomorrow night when I tell her I have opened a seperate bank account and changed my direct deposit and taken her out as my beneficiary and emergency contact while doing the paperwork for my new job.

Wish me luck!

At a MINIMUM, I think you should ask your S13 if he has any questions. You have NO IDEA what his mother told him, or how upset he might be, or how confused.

Divorce is a family matter, and both you and your wife should have discussed it with the kids, together.

As for the rest of it, I think you handled it just fine! Good job.

Puppy

I actually ask him every once in a while if he has any questions and that it is OK to talk about ANYTHING and I'll give him a straight answer.

I am honestly not sure if he just doesn't want to know or if he believed her line about sometimes people just grow apart. We actually did tell him together in the kitchen after he got home that night. he took it fairly well. Cried for a bit then was back to his old self asking what was for dinner which almost makes me believe that he is in denial. HOWEVER, he did admit to me the other day that he is very sad with himself that he is happy she moved out because she was pretty rough on him sometimes. I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that since I agree that she has been doing a LOT of yelling at the kids the past year and I have confronted her about it.

I told him that whatever he was feeling was perfectly fine since feelings just happen but to remember that she is his mother and loves him very much and that he had contributed absolutley nothing to the issues and that we would both love him forever no matter what.

Thanks for the encouragement and the perspective.

You're a great dad, Nav. That's evident in your posts.

For some really great stuff on how to navigage your kids thru this stuff, check out Mulesqb's old posts sometime when you get the chance. He was a real pro at it. He ultimately didn't save his marriage, but he's a MUCH stronger guy now, and has a phenomenal relationship with his kids.

Puppy

Awwww! You're making me blush! HA!

I appreciate it and I do my best with the kids, I really do. I told my W from the get go that I will NEVER bad mouth her in front of the children or where they can hear it and I meant it. I just hope she will return the favor.

I will definitely look up the old posts you were referring to. MAN! To think that 6 weeks ago, I had a "normal" boring life of work, home, family time and now all of this! I swear that if I am still standing at the end of 2010, NOTHING will ever be able to get me down again!

Thanks Puppy!

navajo,

You will be standing at the end of 2010, so nothing better "get you down."

Remember what you said, and it will be okay. Not much longer until that time too!