Having said that, I think you and Kara should really give some thought to that convention again - should come in useful for a lot of folks around here
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Sorry I haven't been able to post--but I have been thinking of you.
My second thread was called "next steps" and I found that to be a very helpful way of getting thru all the necessary steps in the separation, etc. At that time I was still pretty much an emotional basket case (which you are not!) and treating the sitch like any other project helped a lot.
Step 1: do such and such. Step 2: etc., etc.
I looked at it like being in a war, or a disaster situation: head up, eyes forward, deal with the immediate life threats, emotions stowed for "later."
Even if MC, or reconciliation becomes a possibility, you will have done all the necessary things to protect yourself and your children.
I've seen your pic on FB--you are a beautiful, fabulous woman and if H can't recognize that, too bad for him.
Hope that you are managing to take things one day at a time right now.
I thought I'd share something I wrote in my thread today:
Originally Posted By: flowmom
The hardest thing about my sitch has been accepting the truth that my children won't grow up in an intact family and dealing with the fear, anxiety, and guilt that I have about that.
I want to write a bit about what has helped me in my journey as a mother over the last six months, because I know that many other LBS parents are facing the same painful realities.
Telling the children
I had two day's notice before the separation, and only one day to think about how to deal with telling the children. It was horrible, but I think we did an OK job.
I strongly disagree with a lot of the advice that I read here about making the WAS feel the consequences of their actions by making them tell the children or making them take sole responsibility for the separation/divorce. The reality is that children are the ones who pay the highest price in divorce . Most children remember the moment that they were told about the divorce for the rest of their lives. Parents owe it to them to manage the telling in the best way possible for the children's emotional health.
I recommend reading the age-specific advice on how to tell the children in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012 Those who have experience with this issue have learned that children's interpretations and needs in learning this information are very different than the perspectives of the parents. I found that the book provided very useful guidelines that address the developmental stage of the child.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flo, thank you for the info on telling the kids. Originally that "talk" was going to happen last night, but H and I ended up talking for hours and we were both emotionally exhausted after that so it hasn't happened yet with the kids.
In retrospect, that is probably good. I am going to do a little more research on what teenagers need when getting this information and blow in their lives. This will be a shock for them. I am not looking foward to it at all.
The good.... I probably have more closure than a lot of people in my sitch get. H and I talked a lot. He is done. Plain and simple. He is believing that life with me doesn't "fit" him and he is not willing to do MC or any of the other boundaries I have set. So, there are no options.
The not so good.... this sucks. I had such high hopes at the start of piecing. I am trying to wrap my mind around the very definite reality that my H is making abudantly clear. We are done. A twenty year M is done. I am still in shock. And, I am still struggling with waves of grief that are very intense.
Today, I am needing to just get through the day at work. I am hoping tomorrow I will feel a bit stronger to start my next steps.
I will be OK, and eventually I will be fabulous!
Once the kids are told and separation is official, I will acknowledge my new reality by starting a thread in the big D. A place I never thought I would be. But, that's ok.
Attitude is 100% the way to beat the blues.. Im sure once you get over the initial moments of shock, you will find yourself kicking into touch all that isnt you anymore and finding the new you!
Hope that telling the kids works out ok, although they will be shocked Im sure they wont be surprised, teenagers are pretty good at sussing the lie of the land..
Well if you need to bend an ear Im always around on FB
Hugest hugs
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I'm glad you got some closure. Thru this process you have learned so much--which all of us would say we'd rather not have learned! But you gave it your all.
You know about the waves of grief. Acknowledge them, feel them, ride them out.
Other posts were talking about the feeling of shame and humiliation. Yeah, it's there. Makes no sense, but I felt it, and still feel it. I think many of us do. Hopefully we can think and grow our way out of that feeling.
(((RW))) . I am so sorry. This wasn't what I was hoping to hear. It sucks and it blows!! But you are very strong and I know you will be fabulous in the long run.
I am so sorry for your kids. Words fail me there and I will remember you all in my prayers tonight.
I am glad that you got closure. At least your H has given you that. It is very important.
I feel like I have been hit personally because my hopes were also high for you.
Oh well, save a seat for me at the convention. You'll find me in the lounge belting out " I will survive" at the karaoke session. Maybe we can do a group song like in SATC 2.
LMAO Thanks for a needed laugh. Someone needs to definitely ressurect that thread. Hmmmm.... might need to do some digging.
. Most children remember the moment that they were told about the divorce for the rest of their lives. Parents owe it to them to manage the telling in the best way possible for the children's emotional health.