Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Another sad story

I've been married 11 years to my wife, and we have 2 daughters, ages 8 and 5. After another weekend where she was distant to me, I asked her the essential question: Are you happy? She said no, but she didn't want to talk about it since she had to get up to work early. I couldn't sleep very well and woke up around 2am, went and watched a movie downstairs.

When she got up, she saw me, and I told her I couldn't sleep. Then I asked her if she loved me, and she said "Of course I do, you're the father of my children." Even an idiot like me could see real trouble ahead. She said we would talk when she got home from work.

After putting the kids to bed, we sat down, and I got the ILYBINIWY speech. She said we've grown apart, and she didn't "love me the way a wife should love a husband." I was devastated.

This wasn't out of left field though. I had known that she wasn't happy with parts of our marriage, and neither was I. We just were never able to make the changes needed to be happy.

I'm pretty sure there's no OM. I haven't seen anything that would lead me to think there is, or has been. She's 36 and I'm 46, and I'm on my second marriage. This is her first.

I'm confused, hurt, lonely, and don't know what to do. Reading the forums the last week has made me feel so sad for everyone here who has gone through so much pain.

I don't want to give up, though I think she's halfway there. I'm focusing on NOT pursuing her, just trying to give her as much space as I can, given that we're still in the same house. I've been dieting and walking to get in better shape, and trying to think in terms of 180s.

The hardest part for me is that she's always thought of me as unaffectionate, and withdrawn. So my natural urge now is to be attentive and affectionate, despite the fact that this is going to make her feel pressured and pursued. But if I don't give her attention, she'll think that it's more of the same...

We've gone to one counseling meeting with our pastor, and we've also had one meeting with a marital counselor.

Hang in there pinhead, it's a long journey.
Continue to take care of yourself, don't bring up any R talks.
Your actions now will be what's she's looking at.

do you have any more MC sessions scheduled?
Be strong, gr8

Yes, our pastor wants to meet with us individually, then together. Same with our MC. All these appts are scheduled.

After the first meeting with the MC, I was upset because the MC wanted us to sit down together and draw up a list of options; divorce, separation, separation in the same house (i.e diff beds) and staying in the same bed. Then we were supposed to go over the pros and cons of each, and how to work through each scenario.

I thought this was a really bad idea, that I had no desire to help my wife find the best way to leave me. I told my W this, that my goal with MC was to try and undo some of the damage we had both done, and to make things work. I told her that I wasn't interested in continuing MC (just IC) unless she had the same goals. She asked, "when will I know if I've tried enough?"

I told her that she'll know when she no longer feels the need to ask the question.

Right, no R talks.

But if W brings up a conversation, do not be withdrawn. Listen to her every word, validate her concerns, but thats all. Do not make yourself the focus of the conversation, let W get it out.

So hard to avoid R talks.

Yesterday she was upset on the phone, so when I got home I said "You sounded upset on the phone, is everything ok?"

And she said "No! Aren't you stressed out too?"

I just kind of shrugged.

I know its hard to avoid them, but YOU do not bring them up. Do not quickly respond to her, by text or phone. Let them go. Give her "her space". Continue to do your 180 and GAL's.

My W still is bringing it up, but slowly backing off. The reason, I do not argue about it. I do not bring it up. I listen closely to her every word and validate her feelings. She sees now I am listening, agreeing and have 'droped the rope'.

She's not attracted to you.



Why ask that? You already know the answer.




That's weak. Stop taking her temperature.



Here's what I "see" in you. You are afraid to take action but you want to control everything by stonewalling - stop going to MC because it mads you "feel" upset. Your wife won't be attracted to a emotionally weak man.
You sound very scared, unsure of yourself and angry deep down. You exhibit passive-aggressive, co-dependent and pessimistic behavior.

Stop letting your feelings control you. Make yourself responsible for your own happiness. You have a choice in how you think, feel, and act.

She will notice when you start acting like a man.


Cheers

Wow. That's sincerely the most insightful advice I've received about my whole sitch.

I am glad you accepted it with the intention it was given. Awareness is key to change. Look at yourself like you are watching yourself in a fishbowl. Detach from the outcome and focus on the process.

Make yourself the best Pinhead you can be.

Cheers

ps Do something about that handle, it's killing me.

Reading about codependency has been a huge eyeopener, and I can see its effects in all of my previous relationships. If I take nothing else away from this forum, I'll still be a much richer person. Thank you.

Oh, and the handle makes me laugh, which is so needed lately.