Pup and Allen - any chance either of you can point me to a sitch where a female exposed at H's work and they eventually reconciled? You are both inspirational to me, but I have to admit it would just make my stomach settle down a little bit to see that this was successful for a female!
YOu have to trust that he won't blame you... He knows he's made a mistake, but he has to work up the courage to own it yet... that takes a long while...
YOu can tell him where you are going with DD if you are going anywehre sure.. but if you aren't gonig out then you don't need to contact him... and always use email... no phone calls or texting
Your H is going to do what he pleases with your DD whether you have an agreement with him or not... There are dozens of people on these forums who tried to have an "agreement" with their dishonest and cheating spouse and big surprise, their cheating spouse didnd't own up thier end of the deal... THey LIE... they will NOT and cannot be relied on to be honest.. you need to realise that.. you think eh's going to be sincere and relaible right now? Seriously?
You are trying to cooperate iwth someone who does NOT have yours or your daugther's best interests at heart here... There are many people on here who wanted to think the best of their spouse even after they find out they have been betrayed and trust them further anyways... and get burned.
My fear right now is that he's going to take his DD to meet OW and try to get DD to get chummy with her... WS men WILL DO and HAVE done that ont his forum...
THe idea here is just to keep your H guessing, on the defensvie... for months he's felt like he had 100% control of the situation while he left you in the dark... When you switch those tables on him it gets him on teh run and the stress and presure start to break up the excitement of the affair...
If your H isnt in a place where he can take DD overnight then you are primary caregiver... He just has to suck that up...
Yes go out, and leave DD with in laws or something... Do make sure your H knows you are going out, but does NOT know what you're doing... again this leaves him feeling curious and knocks him off balance...
All of this work is to put pressure on him so he returns to the safety and stability of the marriage again... You have to do what you can to make sure his lifestyle outside of the marriage is SO STRESSFUL it's not worth it anymroe... If him being away from the marriage means you are out at all hours god knows where that he cant' see his daughter wheenver he pleases, and that his workplace is considering demoting him or worse... he WILL start to break and that affair will NOT sustain him... OW won't be able to help him with all of that... His fantasy world will start to fall apart and NOT have the appeal it once did...
This takes time, but if you keep hitting it his world will fall apart... You have to trust that he wont blame you for the mess he knows he's making of his life...
Talked to SIL today. She basically said that when H was living with parents (after I kicked them out and before he left there place), H was coming home late and drunk every night. He was not being accountable to his time with them either. Then SIL said awhile ago my H brought a girl to my BIL's house in the middle of a work day - they were drinking vodka out of a water bottle in the middle of a work day. She didn't know who or how long ago - or why BIL didn't tell me. His whole family thinks he's living with her and is beside themselves over what to do about. They think it might be alcoholism on top of the affair (or other way around).
There version of story is: he became a dad too early (at 23 - we had a surprise pregnancy then got married), felt pushed into a job he didn't like in order to provide for family, and naturally doesn't communicate well so sh!t hit fan when the responsibility got too heavy. They think he's depressed and this is how he's coping. That's probably true. At the same time, they are not going to enable this by giving him any money, etc.
Then H texts and wants to verify that he can pick up dd at 9 tomorrow. I waited for a bit then responded: "I need pick up time and return time. Also need the address where she will be staying and a list of other adults in residence there." Needless to say he didn't like that - flung some negative energy my way via text. His current position is that he's staying at our house whether I like it or not. My mom is coming Sunday morning - I told him this and he says he doesn't care. She can just deal with him. Whoa - he is really going off the deep end here. I'm locking down my finances and talking to a lawyer early next week.
Anyone: do I have a case of a male who didn't have the chance to sow his wild oats enough? What if he's just too immature to do what needs to be done here?
YOu will never know for certain what maturity level you are dealing with until the affair is over and he works with a family therapist...
Infidlelity is an immature action, but you would do best to gauge his maturity level throughout the marriage in general... That is your best gauge short of giving him six months with a family therapist
Since my H is planning on coming over tomorrow whether I like it or not, I'm not sure how to handle this.
Two ideas: 1. Insist that he not come or threaten to file to keep my space separate (not sure if I want to do this yet).
2. Allow him to come - be detached and cordial while he's here. Maybe that's what pup calls "shining a light on the marriage." Planning on going out with gf's this Saturday - so that would be an opportunity to parade new bod and sexy clothes in front of him and worry him. One other positive to him staying here is that he won't be with her that night and she'll know he's back in his family home with me for the night. Not sure if that will affect her (Maybe if his cell phone got accidentally dropped in water so that he couldn't contact her . . . hehe . . . he'd have to explain why he couldn't chat with her).
Another thing: decided to contact OW's bf. Not going to tell him I exposed at work. Just going to expose to him without a "big picture." I really think he's going to tell me they've been broken up for some time.
Would LOVE to figure out where he's living. Looked up GPS tonight but couldn't figure it out. The car he's driving right now is registered in my name only so I could go into it at any point legally.
