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All I can really say is I completely understand. You know my complete story so you know that I totally understand the selfishness and everything. My H is never rude, but is completely absent. I am glad you didn't just ignore what H said and let it go because you do have to start being "mean" and setting some boundaries as to how he talks to you so you can start a good relationship if you do start a new one instead of just continuing the old broken one.

I hope after sleeping you have calmed down a little. Enjoy your week!

I definitely think I was still a little too gentle and nice about it yesterday given his harsh words, but I have to start somewhere, and standing up for myself a little is better than being a complete doormat. I think it's b/c I know too how easily he gets set off (gets angry for me being angry), so I have to try to say things in a way that won't anger him in order to have any chance of getting thru to him. It's such a tough balancing act!

I'm feeling better today regarding the H situation, but I feel a little off. Hope i'm not coming down with a bug or something.

I just remembered something else H told me yesterday about OW1. When we were talking about her and that fight they had, he ended it by saying how he thinks she is totally in love with him. Uh yeah, I could have told you that a long time ago. Did he really just figured it out now or is he just finally able to admit it? Can't wait until she's gone tho on Thrusday. Good riddens!

It's been pretty quiet over here. I haven't texted H and he hasn't been texting me. With one exception, I got a text last night asking how S was doing (finally) and H responded to my response and that was it. What a change from the last couple weeks when we were in daily communication. I wasn't cold in my response, but I definitely didn't help expand the conversation either. I just answered the question about S and that was it. He needs to learn that he can't attack me like that and then just expect everything to go back to normal like nothing ever happened. At the very least, he could apologize for saying hurtful things. To me, either you apologize because they were hurtful but untrue words, or they are the truth (not welcome at his house, done with us, etc), in which case there is no reason for us to be talking anyways. I just don't really feel like a confrontation right now, but I expect I'll be seeing him hanging around tonight or tomorrow when I go to pick up S, but I could be wrong...

Surprising, no H tonight at MIL's. Oddly enough, she said he hasn't been over all week to see S. Must really be in a downtime. I feel a little like I'm leaving H out to the wolves by not initiating contact this week with it being OW1's last week and all, but oh well, H is going to do what he's going to do & must be responsible for the decisions he makes. It's definitely a little lonely & quiet, but I just need to get used to it. Not feeling too good healthwise today (horrible almost migrane headache & weakness), but hopefully I can get a good night sleep & feel better tomorrow. =\

I think you are doing the right thing. You can't let him continually say hurtful things and never apologize. Even if he is in a down time, he still has to take responsibility for the things he says and does because he can't use his depression as an excuse.

I know it is hard, but hopefully after OW1 is completely gone and H has a chance to continue to get sleep, he will come out of it and start talking to you again. If not, I think you are definitely strong enough to deal with whatever may come.

Oh dear, so my cell phone wasn't working so I had to get access to our account (which I previously did not have) and once I was in, I couldn't help myself but to take a snoop. Now I know snooping isn't good, especially if you become obsessed, but I think 1 look is good so you aren't getting the wool pulled over your eyes. No communication with OW1 - yay, but instead, I found another # with constant texts back and forth (although it seems she normally sends the first one and they continue from that) at all times of the day and night for about the past week! I felt a little daring so I called the # and this female voice picks up and says, "hi, this is ----". What!? It's the new girl H just hired. I pretended I called the wrong # and hung up. WTF!? OW3??? Obviously I don't know the whole story, but that is NOT ok! To call him out on it would mean to have to admit to snooping (not a good idea), so I don't know how to address it. I want to just tell him I am done. I CANNOT go thru this again with him. NO, I WILL NOT GOT THRU THIS WITH HIM AGAIN! It's just such an awful feeling to think of your man with someone, especially when you think you are making so much progress together. =/ A little devastated...not sure handle H now...and he's supposed to come over for dinner tonight...uggggg

So actually, I don't know who this girl is. I'm trying to do a little bit of investigating first. It's not the new girl - I played it coy & asked indirectly. H was only here for a little bit - pretty much ate dinner, played w/ S for a few mins, & left. He said he just felt in a weird mood. His b-day is next thurs so I asked him what he wanted to do, & said prob just go get drunk w/ the guys. I mentioned something about us doing something & basically he said that I'm no fun (that I used to be but not any more.) Sorry, I'm a mom w/ responsibilities w/ his child! So I really don't know what to make of it all. Like i said, there are a million a texts & few phone calls & the contact was almost all initiated by her. But even if that is the case of her pursuing him (which could be me just hoping), that's still not ok! Arggg! I just really have no idea how to handle this situation. I just feel so discouraged. I really thought we had a chance...I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now it's gone. I don't want to D & I'm just downright scared of the thought of a D, but this is where he's pushing. I just really don't think it's all set in yet - the shock this very likey might be happening again. Ironic too that today is the day OW1 is finally going to be out, & then I discover this news. But as hard as it is, I rather know then be the naive idiot dreaming of that future w/ H. Now I just don't know what to do...

I am just wondering if his blow-up was because of his guilt. If he is starting to do stuff with OW3 then he may be saying this stuff to you because he feels guilty and honestly wants out because he thinks he is bad, not because of you.

It is hard to say what to do. I know with me, there is one number H always calls about once a month (I have always wondered if it is someone he had a relationship with on the internet and it got further) so my brother called the number for me because i didn't have to courage to. I found out her first name, but that was it. You could look her up on FB or other places to see if you can find out who she is. Nowadays it is really hard to keep yourself private so there are ways to find out.

The ultimate question here is...what is best for you and what do you want to do? I think being direct is the best option, but that may not work with your H. I feel for you, really I do since I know of at least 4 or 5 OW some just internet things, others are full out infatuations with real people, but either way each one is hard and makes you feel worse and worse. Another thing to think about is H might have lied about the new employee's name.

I have no answers just support and hope you can find something that will work for you.

That a-hole! He’s making all these plans with me tonight all the while texting back and forth with her like crazy. I’m scared to death, but I have to confront him – I have to make the ultimatum. I’m NOT doing this again. Her (and any and all future girls) or me – no other options. I’m playing along right now with his whole plans for tonight, but he’s going to be in for it when he comes. I just hope I don’t wimp out. I must use this anger and hurt to be strong. I’m just sick to my stomach right now. I’m keep switching from anger to fighting back tears. The worse is knowing that tonight with my ultimatum, I’m basically going to officially end my marriage, but this point, I don't have another choice. This is just not acceptable. That’s the thing that made me break down this morning – that to get rid of H, means to lose my S (partially). It’s just nauseating. I know there is not much that can be said right now, but I just needed to put down some of these feelings. I know life is not fair, but this all just seems so beyond unfair, especially as much as I've been there and supported him these last few months. What a jerk. His loss...but unfortunately mine too (definitely not H, but S)... =( Sad...very sad...

I know there is about a 3 hour time difference so hopefully you read this before you do the ultimatum. I am not going to deter you, but make sure you are truly sure you want to do this. I completely understand that you have been through this for a long time...going on almost 2 years, plus the years of him being neglectful, but are you doing this out of anger or because you are really ready to follow through?

That is my only question for you. Make sure you are doing this because you want to do this for you and are ready to follow through. If you are not ready, don't do it. You can talk about OW3 if you want, but don't give an ultimatum unless you are ready to follow through because otherwise it will mean nothing.

Based on his comments, I feel like you have said that he is enjoying his new bachelor life and like your mom said it is going to take a long, long time for him to heal. It was believed until recently that nerve cells don't regenerate, but now it is believed that they can (hense your H and the surgery), but they can only regenerate and heal if the person is living a healthy life style. Even just his hours may hinder the healing process (learned this from my class last year on the brain and development); the drinking may completely stop it. He will sleep better, but for there to be true healing, it will take time and him to stop drinking.

I just want to make sure you don't regret anything. If you are ready to have this conversation, make sure you are calm and business like. Try not to accuse. Stay factual.

It is going to be hard, but you are a very strong woman. Just be sure you are ready for this completely. I will pray all goes well.