Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Pretty sure its a MLC, now what?

Amen.

This is going to change you, Lisa. Be prepared. But in the end, you will be amazed at just how much you will like yourself. that is, if you focus on you and do the work FOR you.

I wondered how my plans & attitude was going to affect H, and Mach asked me why I cared? He was right... they can't see us right now. My wondering how he was going to react was very controlling still; I wanted to gauge his reaction so I could know how to act to get him in the mood I wanted him to be in. It didn't matter. Not to him. Not to me.

My point is... be true to yourself through this. Really take the time to figure out who YOU are and what you want. You might find that what you really want doesn't coincide with what you think you want. It did for me, anyway.

For now... detaching really is the key. Get some space between you & your H and you might start to see things in a whole new light. Relax, enjoy your weekend, enjoy your DD, enjoy your life.

I like the advice on the travel plans. Personally, I would have tried to push it and prove how nice I was by doing it for him. But that's because I liked to control everything. lol! I'd simply ask him what he wants to do. If he is cranky and tells you he is not going, then make your own plans ASAP. Even if he takes you up on the offer, I'd still make sure to book them separately. I don't remember how this works--can you make sure the seats aren't together? Or maybe separate flights? Even better.

Keep your chin up & keep digging through the old threads. Some amazing info in there.

Some really amazing people on this board.

Today was one of those days when I just had a lump in my throat all day long, and for no particular reason - lots of doubt and anxiety. Towards the end of the day, I started getting frustrated that a lot of close friends and family just don't get my continued hope and fight. Sometimes when I reference things that I've learned from DB, I can detect that look in their eyes of pity. It is a tad disheartening. Going forward, I'm really going to focus on keeping my mouth shut around, not only my H, but a lot of others too, just to protect myself. Every now and then I will get complimented on how far I've come already and how patient and strong I am, but everyone still seems to think there is a limit on those things. Are those feelings common from outsiders?

I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do with it. Despite mine and H's family all being in one place, I see a lot more going for me back in my home, 3 hours away. Yes, that is where H lives (although he is still in his apt), but I have been greatly inspired by my community there - the people, my church, job prospects. It took me a long time to really fall in love with my city, but now that I am there, I don't think I want to start over somewhere else back by my parents. I am still young, so my parents really want me near them and are being somewhat vocal in their thoughts. Ugh. The question that comes along with that is, how do I explain returning to H? I wouldn't voluntarily bring the subject up, but considering that I left in a very emotional state saying I needed to live elsewhere, I gave the ring back, said I was done (all of which I regret), I wouldn't be surprised if H brings that up.

Lisa,
Holidays are tough always are. If it is any consolation, I too am experiencing that same lump in my throat and doubt and anxiety. We all get it from time to time, you are not alone.

Read the part in DR where MWD talks about well wishing friends and family. They want you to feel better so they can feel better, I know you want to tell those closest to you about your newfound hope and the steps you are taking. The truth is they just don't and won't understand what you are doing and why you are taking a stand for marriage.

As far as giving the ring back and saying you were done, yep I did that one too back in January. Your actions will speak louder than your words at this point. Moving back will make a big statement, but ultimately you need to do it for you.

Stop worrying about what others will think, you can't control what they think so don't worry about it. BTW you are not returning to your H, you are returning to your home.

Hang in there.

God Bless.

Lisa,

I don't know many people who really understand the gist of DB. The people around us want us to stop hurting and whatever advise the can give to that end esp "moving on" is what they tend to do. I was lucky that my brother "got it" and was someone I could talk to. Mostly, it's best to not discuss it with friends and family. If you don't discuss it then you won't feel the need to justify yourslef.

Ultimately the choices for your life are up to you. If you need to sit your parents down and have a convo then do it. They want what's best for you and they are probably torn up that their baby girl is hurting so badly (I know I would be). Be an adult and let them know what your plans are. They will fell better seeing your strength.

HUGS

missherlove: I went back and read your post around the time you said you were done and gave the ring back...now that is has been awhile, what are your thoughts about that looking back on the sitch?
ps-sounds like we're neighbors, but I am one county up!

Lisa,

The way I handled it with friends and family when I heard, 'move on, it's over', speech was to say, 'I'm not taking anything off the table right now' and just changed the subject.

Grace is right on that the people that care about you do not want to see you in pain. The easiest way not to get into the 'move on' convos is to act as if you're fine and not talk to them about it.

If you can find someone in 'RL' that 'gets it', that's wonderful. If you don't, come to us, were all here for each other and understand what you're going through.

Take care.

Lisa,
When I gave the ring back and gave the speech I did it front of her counselor and mine and I did not realize that my wife was MLC. I had a DB coach back then and while the advice was good it was not geared towards MLC. With in days of my speech my W was being friendly towards me again and I knew I had blown it b/c I was friendly right back to her. A couple of weeks after that we were having a conversation and I told her I changed my mind.

I think it was J3B who said " You did not talk your way into this mess and you are not going to talk your way out of it"

Your actions will speak louder than your words. Your actions need to be consistent.....always. Additionally, do not expect to do something and he take notice and change what he is doing. It does not work that way, it takes time, lots of TIME, weeks and months. This is the PATIENCE part.

You are still on "withdraw" from your H. I had the same thing happen to me yesterday. I spent all day with my wife on Saturday and by mid-day Sunday, I started coming off of that "high". This is where detatchment comes into play.

When you gave back your ring and said you were done, you were acting like a child that wanted to be held by their mom right then and there and when you couldn't have that you threw a fit. I am not giving you a 2X4 here you already realize this but you are worried about the affects of the fit and if you don't watch it your going to throw another fit.

You want to go to your H and tell him you made a mistake and you want to explain everything and have him understand and go "okay" lets go back to where we were a couple of days ago before you said you were done.

Not gonna happen.....that bell is rung. Stop worring about it, its done.

When I think back on when I said I was done, I think that is when I realized that this was going to take a lot longer than I thought it was. I kept setting dates in my mind that I thought my W would return by. I stopped doing that shortly after that speech. I did not get a grasp on the TIME thing until 6 months into my separation and 8 months post bomb. That is why you have to focus on you right now and not your H or your M.

This is where GALing and focusing on what is right for Lisa comes into play. Right now you are wrestling with whether or not you should move back home and how that will affect you H or your M. Make that decision based on what Lisa wants as an indiviual. You said you like your home, your friends, your church etc. sounds like some good reasoning to me. Don't worry what others will think, do it for you.

Meck county, is that your home or is that your parents home? I grew up there, one of the few. Seems like everyone is from somewhere else.

God Bless

Lisa this is a process.

We all have encountered this and it is good.

You are asking questions of yourself.

Most people will never understand what you are doing.

Moreover, as you come to understand yourself you will see that people around you act from their own place of fear. If someone does something to you, you strike back (walk away)

BUT

The tougher road is the one you've chosen.

And YOU don't even understand this yet.

You can read my thread on this subject or it is also in the links given you by OP in Doormat Tactics

You are only a doormat if you believe yourself to be a doormat.

You are only a victim if you believe you are a victim.

The paradox here is that you do believe that right now because you haven't experienced what YOU are capable of yet.

You haven't walked the path that brings you to YOU.

I know this all sounds like esoteric BS

BUT

You will only get there by standing,

You will only get there by questioning

You will only get there by experiencing

Then you will never doubt yourself again.

I am going to spend a nickel here (really I think it's worth a quarter)

Grace wrote



This is loving detachment.

This is an amazing journey Lisa...

Also I believe this:

When you took your vows

You said for better or for worse

Most people don't know what worse is

Most people don't have the stomach for worse (nod Bworl)

You did not say:

I promise to love you for better or worse...

BUT

If you get scared and lose your way

THEN

I won't.

Remember this at all times...

THIS JOURNEY IS FOR YOU.

Awesome. Thank you!

I guess I just want to be prepared if H wants to talk about my recent tantrum. I don't want to say any more that will harm him. So while I am fully willing to detatch and GAL, if H asks how he plays into the picture, is there a best-case-scenario response?

It's funny looking back on the last 8 months. Often times I've though, 'Alright God, I've learned a TON and am so much stronger, have really come to rely on you, and am awesome at patience and perseverance. Let's move forward already!' When in reality, those very thoughts prove to me that I'm not ready. Those thoughts scream impatience and not fully trusting Him! Guess this God is a pretty smart cookie!

missherlove: I guess there are multiple Queen City's - and I don't think you're near mine!

I've also submitted a display name change...since I've mentioned DB to my parents and some friends, I'd really prefer them not coming on here and butting into my posts so hopefully the new name, once approved, will protect me a bit more.

L- hope you don't mind me jumping in here / but these words from Grace and TG are exactly the things I need to hear as well (in fact I'm sure somewhere in my thread they have said them to me - but I tend to need to be told multiple times:)) -

I am so sorry that you find yourself here - but this site has provided me so much support and I know you will find it helpful for you as well!